The Girl in the Window

“The outside world was unknown to her, but she could see a glimpse of it through the window in his room.” Alice was sitting in the park when she read the quote from her novel. The words cut through her like a knife. She was surprised because the cover seemed safe, and the setting was a gorgeous woman surrounded by wildflowers in front of an adorable cottage. It seemed so peaceful and yet there was a reminder in bold triggering words. It brought her back to the torment, the painful reminder of living with the “Prince of Darkness” and his cult following. Her breath deepened, and she could feel the tightening in her chest. She began to look around her surroundings. She needed reassurance that she was safe and that her predator was not close. It was as if she lived in a constant state of fear and panic.

“He is dead, he cannot hurt me anymore” she whispered softly to herself. She began to talk herself down like her therapist taught her. But it was not enough, and it was never enough during the panic attacks. How do you begin to feel safe when someone violates you? Her therapist says it will get easier with time. Alice had a hard time believing her.

Every Sunday, Alice liked to escape the whirl of city life and come to Gerstle Park. The park was quiet and still, but it provided a sense of peace. At the end of every week, she yearned for her serene Sundays in the park. Her favorite elements were the Birch trees and benches that lined the concrete path. The path overlooked a dazzling meadow filled with daisies, butterflies and chirping birds. Alice liked to think the Birch Trees symbolized a beginning, while the butterflies provided comfort and hope. Every day, she longed for a fresh start, one filled with safety, warmth and love.

All she wanted was to be loved, but that proved to be an almost fatal flaw. He studied his victims, he learned their weaknesses, and exploited their vulnerabilities against them. Alice lost her parents in an accident. She grew up in foster care and never had a support system. His favorite way to torture her was empty insignificant promises. As she began to feed on the tiny morsels, he would take them. The more he took them away, the more she craved. She was addicted to the pain and fell in love with him. She could see what was happening. It was as if she was under a spell. Alice would retreat further from the outside world. He liked that she was dependent on him. He wanted her to suffer.

Every day, Alice peered through the window, wishing she could escape. Their elegant home seemed like a magical castle to those looking in with its alluring landscape and enchanting Victorian scenery. The twinkling lights from the fantasy he promised quickly dimmed the more he revealed who he was. A glimpse through the window eerily reminded her of the outside world and the current hell that she was living in.

“The Prince of Darkness” controlled everything she did. His methods included expensive gifts, Alice's empathy, and blackmail. He used guilt as a weapon. . He also controlled the amount of food she could eat, the amount of contact with the outside world, her bathroom schedule and their sex life. She tried to escape several times, only to be brought back "home." Her only comfort was looking through the window. Through the window, she could see their garden. It had beds of rosy tomatoes, summer squash, and crisp green beans.

One Day, “The Prince of Darkness' ' collapsed dead. She watched the 9-11 workers transport him away with a sheet covering his face. Her wish had come true. She was free. Grief was not linear. She missed him. Sadly, he was the first person to love Alice. Her parents had passed tragically, and she did not have any friends. After her parents' accident, Alice grew up in foster care. His death was a trigger. It symbolized loneliness and brought her back to her childhood. Even though Alice was free, she preferred to be alone. She feared the outside world. She did not want to end up with another monster. Abuse was all she had known.

Alice was not OK. She began to unravel all the trauma in therapy. Her therapist was kind and patient. Alice wanted to be empowered, but it was hard. Every week, they worked on triggers and different ways to cope. Part of her work included what she thought the outcome should be. For so long, Alice lived by other people's rules. Alice did not understand what she wanted. It was hard for her to make her own choices. She walked on eggshells to avoid confrontation. Her therapist reminded her that change is hard.

One day, Alice had an epitome. She was sitting in Gerstle park when she realized she did not need another person to feel love. She could love herself. At that moment, Alice asked herself, how could she love herself? At that moment, she realized that she could take her power back. In the words of Glenda the Good Witch, “She always had the power, she just had to learn how to use it.” She empowered herself by protecting her heart, setting boundaries, and paying attention to warning signs.