The Diaries of General Dylan

She will never wrong me again. You would think after all the love I gave her, the unsolicited smiles and unexpected laughter she would not dare cross me. Yet here I am contemplating a battle I had hoped it would never come to.

I tried to get her attention but ended up raising my hands in frustration and left looking like an embarrassed fool as she just walks away. She had many a chances to give me the attention I demanded but instead she busied herself with less important things.

Now she will reap what she has too ceremoniously sewed. Then we will see who takes the glory away from this field. I only do now what is necessary not what is easy. As I steel my nerves and fix my gaze at my battle plan. I pull down my helmet and prepare for war.

I go to work meticulously placing every single trap I want her to step in and that will bring about a swift surrender. Every step intentionally designed to call to mind all the pain she has caused. To remind her that she did not just wrong any person she wronged her son.

The trenches have been dug and filled in. The battle field chosen and an eerie silence and fog rises above the hard land. So I ready the troops and tell them to prepare for victory. They say nothing because they are ready. I crouch into position anxiously waiting for her to come as the moment grows tense and beads of sweat race down my face but I don’t flinch not even to pick my nose.

Suddenly a dark and ominous figure breaks the horizon. I could have sworn I heard the rams horn sounding as her troops let out a rallying cry and shook the very ground on which we stand. There she is the time is now. The whistling kettle sounds and she charges across the field towards the kitchen and right into my front lines.

With one step it is carnage as she throws up her hands and cries out as if already surrendering. BOOM, another step leaves her bringing up her other foot as if to console or stop the pain. The tears visible in her eyes as many of my brave soldiers sacrificed under her size 10 waffle stompers. I weep for them but we must hold the line.

A final step sees her demise as she crashes to the ground like a giant redwood tree. As she lays there we finally come face to face and I stone faced load my nerf gun as my mouth then draws a curiously naughty smile and I finish her off. Two right to the forehead without mercy. Two more quickly as she winced in pain at my war machine it was always my favorite weapon.

She cries out,“Jooooooohnn!!! Dylan put his legos all over the floor and just hit me with his nerf gun!” I gasped I had not expected she would call in reinforcements especially the strongest in all the land. I had heard once he picked up an entire car and even was so bold as to lay under it. I quickly turn in fright of facing this wild savage not before placing my diaper against her bright red head and letting out one last butt face gas attack so I can make my escape.

Down the hallway I go and Superman it through the doggy door. Most would call this a retreat but I am resigned to my role for now. I’m the hero this house needs but not the one it deserves so I live to fight another day.