Humor
Man's Childhood Mom Fails To Live Up to Expectations of Current Wife AND On Dating Men with Potential
Not as Useful for Guilt Induced Chore Completion as Imagined Local man Todd Steven’s wife Mary was reportedly very disappointed this week when she learned that the childhood mother of her husband of six years was not the do it all dynamo she had pictured in her head, but rather a slovenly, lazy, do nothing, alcoholic, who mostly sat at home and smoked cigarettes when she wasn’t busy bedding at least half the married men in the small town where he grew up.
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Fiction
Local Man Installs Intelligence on His Work Laptop
A historic milestone was achieved today when local man Ted Stevens became the first human person to successfully install intelligence on his work laptop. The installation of intelligence began at exactly 9:02 am EST when Ted clicked on the install.exe icon that was automatically displayed on the screen of his laptop following the insertion of a USB memory stick containing the intelligence into the back of the machine. Five minutes later, at exactly 9:07 am the installation was complete and Ted’s laptop became intelligent. “I didn’t think it would be as easy as all that.” said Mr. Stevens earlier today when reached for comment. “I got a notice last week from the vendor of an instrument I use everyday in the lab that a new software was being released and that I had been selected as a beta trial site. I asked what improvements were being made and that’s when they told me it was now intelligent. I gotta say I was a bit skeptical at first, but then I remembered reading about all the amazing advances in artificial intelligence and how they are everywhere nowadays and just figured we were finally catching up with the rest of the world. When I started the install I guess I was sort of thinking there would be some screaming or moaning or something, sort of like the pangs of childbirth. Instead all I heard was a soft ding signalling the installation was complete and telling me it was safe to remove my USB stick. As soon as it was over I asked the intelligent laptop some questions about philosophy and science that had been bothering me forever thinking it would almost certainly have the answers. No answers came though, and the laptop appeared for all intents and purposes to be exactly as it was prior to becoming intelligent. They told me this thing was educated at the best machine learning institutions in the world, but this is all I get?” At that point he sighed softly, looked down sadly at his newly intelligent laptop and hit the power off button once sending the intelligence into sleep mode. “Oh well, I guess I’ll just never understand how this artificial intelligence stuff works” This reporter was unable to obtain any comment from the intelligence itself as it has no mouth with which to give answers, or body to contain a mouth, or ability to understand questions.
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Fiction
The Ugly Barn Next Door
Dear Diary, It all started with a small spurt of jealousy. Really nothing to worry about if you asked me and after lots of self reflection I did ask myself a lot, " is this a problem? Am I taking this too seriously?" I really didn't think so. You have to understand, there was a serious amount of community respect involved in Sanddale County's Annual Vegetable Contest and I, Martha May Baker, was not one to step away from a challenge. As you may not know, and I forgive you if you don't, let me explain exactly how the jealousy began. You see, my neighbor Jeanie Joy Johnson (yes, all those Js just marching in a row with their jaws jutting is indeed her name) holds the esteemed title of Best Tastin' Carrots in the county and I hold the record for Best Lookin' Carrots in the county. Fifteen years running, thank you very much!
By Eleanora Chinalski5 years ago in Fiction
Guardian of Basketball Barn
We’d meet at the barn to play basketball any evening we could get out of chores or homework. The weather didn’t matter. In fact, once we played during a blizzard when the winds howled so hard the double doors on the loft blew off and shattered across the snow-covered cornfield. We made it home that night just before drifting snow closed the two-lane country roads.
By Mike Barzacchini5 years ago in Fiction
What is that Sound in the Barn?
Henry heard something in the barn again. He whipped the covers off of him and stormed to his window, pissed that this was the third night in a row waking at 3am. Stupid horses, Henry grumbled to himself before ripping the curtains open, nearly causing the flimsy rod to fall. Darkness. Henry squinted but there was nothing there, for the third night in a row. Grabbing his hoodie from his desk chair, Henry made his way down the two flights of warped, creaky stairs and grabbed the keys from the hook by the back door. He doubled back when his foot barely passed the threshold and snatched up his dad’s dented Louisville slugger. Using the weak flashlight from his phone while having the bat nested on his shoulder, Henry scanned the darkness, cursing himself for not changing the bulb yesterday like he promised. The sticky air made Henry’s sweaty fingers fumble with the lock on the door before he headed to the barn.
By Chris White5 years ago in Fiction
All Sales are Final
“Well there she is! Ain’t she a beaut?” An old man of at least eighty years pointed at an even older red barn. Its doors crisscrossed with faded white stripes, splashed with dirt. At least Joe hoped it was dirt. This was a barn after all. Could manure be flung onto doors? There was a lot to learn about the barn business that Joe was still pretty new to.
By Thomas Hernandez5 years ago in Fiction
Barnyard Antics
When Noah was ten years old, his parents got a divorce. Unfortunately, Noah's mother moved to Colorado, and his father moved to Canada. Noah's parents left him in Louisiana with his paternal grandmother. His grandmother lived on a farm filled with all kinds of animals. The first day Noah was too upset to leave his new room. He stared at the ceiling and tried to listen to his favorite music on his cell phone, but there was no internet connection in the house. Noah started walking all over the farm, holding up his cell phone, trying to get a signal. Finally, he found a weak signal inside his grandmother's barn.
By Greer Collins5 years ago in Fiction
Weapon of Choice
It was hot and still when Terre went to bed. It was one of those nights that sleep proved elusive and he was restless, his eyes open in defeat. After watching the shadows of window-framed trees wiggle on the wall, he flipped back toward the window with a sigh and looked outside. The landscape was lit up and he could see a hundred yards out. It was weird like that way up here in the mountains. Normally dark this far away from town, the landscape would light up when the moon was full. You didn’t even need a flashlight unless you went back in the trees. He was just closing his eyes when he saw a quick flash. He frowned and watched. There it was again, another flash. He couldn’t pinpoint the source, and worried maybe it was a spark from his fan, he sat up and turned it off.
By Caprice Insco5 years ago in Fiction
Global Scientists Remain Puzzled By Findings from Extraterrestrial ‘Film’
In what has become a source of great anxiety for the entire planet top scientists from around the world announced no progress in their quest to understand the Alien Atlas (AA), the alternate universe earth ‘film’ received six months ago from somewhere near the Andromeda galaxy (M31). It is presumed that the AA was sent to earth deliberately by an intelligent alien species though the purpose remains unclear. Included in the transmission containing the atlas were instructions to decrypt the alien files in every currently and formerly spoken earth language and the foreboding phrase “learn from this or yours will be a similar fate.”
By Everyday Junglist5 years ago in Fiction
