Humor

Could It Get Any Worse
Juggling my keys and bags, I stepped onto the elevator. When I reached to press the ninth-floor button, the keys slipped from my grasp and fell neatly through the narrow space into the dark void known as the elevator shaft. I heard a squeaky gasp from the grey-haired lady beside me, and a quiet snort from her equally senior but more portly companion. The tall, incredibly well-built man in the corner remained silent. His blue eyes met mine, and his eyebrows ever so slightly lifted. I detected a slight tightening of his lips, no doubt holding back a guffaw at my plight.
By Bonny Beswick4 years ago in Fiction
How to: Put Your Pants On
The two-holed conundrum has baffled billions. Over the course of our existence, we have done our best to conquer this issue. Many solutions have been proposed but none have solved the problem. The mere fact that you are reading this proves the existential crisis that we all struggle with on a daily basis (except for that one day we spent watching all of the LOTR extended editions).
By Mish Aleisa4 years ago in Fiction
Twisted Tales for Toilet Time: Part I
The Twisted Tales for Toilet Time Series project of short stories is aimed to be a collection of ultra-short short stories that can be read in the average duration of a toilet visit. Most of which fall into the category of the absurd and have little, to no real plot significance.
By Savannah K. Wilson4 years ago in Fiction
Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) in 2022 & 2023
The Marvel Cinematic Universe aka MCU is an American media franchise which are based on superhero films produced by Marvel studios. As far as we know, this franchise has been commercially successful over the years and has generally received positive reviews from all over the world. The MCU has additionally roused a few themed attractions, television series and various tie-in video games. Marvel Studios releases its films in groups called "Phases". So, let’s talk about the different phases of MCU.
By Adam R4 years ago in Fiction
Not a dog person
I went to the desert to play my piano and protest the expansion of the uranium mine there. They had a solar powered sound system. It was called a “protestival”. Protest in the day, festival at night. I was sitting super close to the fire becuase it’s freezing in the Australian desert at night. And that’s when this huge grey Labrador came and sat on my lap. He was so relaxed and determined. I don’t like dogs. They slobber on you which is disgusting and they demand that you look after them. I have children so having a dog is out of the question. The grey lab however, could stay on my lap for now as he was super sweet, even though I think that’s actually a stupid thing to say about dogs. He was keeping me warm; even if he wasn’t a lap dog. The fire was dying down when he shifted and left our campsite. When I was a kid, I got attacked by a dog. Then I was afraid of them. So that dog in the desert was super special to me becuase I am not a dog person. After Grey Lab absconded into the sooty night, I played the harp for a while and drank chai tea with my friends. I thought about how Grey Lab was probably leaving to get a good night sleep before the cops came out again in the day time. Grey Lab saw his person get hurt by cops. I helped Grey Lab’s person with some cotton wool, water and Aloe Vera. He was thankful at the time, and I was happy I brought Aloe Vera into the desert, along with my 88 key keyboard. I was also happy that I got to see Grey Lab’s person smile, becuase his smile was beautiful, and whenever he smiled, I looked into his eyes which were always dancing in their own infinite light. While I was thinking of beautiful sparkling eyes, my friend asked me how I could just pick up an instrument and play it, and I really didn’t know how, and I was too preoccupied with the dog to answer my friends question properly. I said something humble and then probably blushed. And he should have know I was mezmarized by the dog, becuase he was right there, and we were talking about how cute the dog was. My friend didn’t even know I was a liar, posing as a dog person! I’m so ashamed for lying. Sorry. I do like that one dog. I just don’t really like dogs at all, apart from him, like all other dogs are terrible, I mean my colleagues used to bring their dogs to the office sometimes, and I would be thinking what about me, I’m not a dog person and you’re all so cool, becuase you are dog people, but I’m not gonna lie. I can be not a dog person and someone who likes dogs (well, a dog) at the same time. Back on the harp by the fire at the campsite with the chai tea, I couldn’t stop wondering why that dog was so peaceful, as I imagined that I was Bjork and plucked the strings of an instrument I was playing for the first time. It was a lot like playing piano. I thought of Grey Lab plodding away into the night with his person. In time to the harp strings. I know right? Pretty beautiful. For a woman who doesn’t even like dogs, Grey Lab is a big deal. I think about Grey Lab every year, especially around July, which is when I was in the desert at the protestival. He’s the only dog I remember, and I had a family dog. Ok I’m not a monster, just hear me out. I was pregnant with my third kid and the family wanted a dog and I said it’s your dog, I’m going to be looking after babies and children. And I can count on one hand the amount of times I fed or walked that dog! I was never his person. And I’m not even grey lab’s person. And I’m still not a god damn dog person. But I loved that dog and when he crashed onto my lap I never in my wildest dreams thought a dog would even like me. One thing to note - uranium is bad and it needs to stay in the ground. Grey Lab would’ve known that. Grey Lab is plodding around out there and then casually and annoyingly plopping himself down onto laps. I love that dog. And I’m not a dog person.
By Michelle4 years ago in Fiction
An Owl Affair
David angrily speeds down an empty road. He was driving so fast that if a cop saw him, there was no way he was talking his way out of getting a ticket. The twenty-nine-year-old behind the wheel was so pumped up on rage that every five seconds he would punch the steering wheel or smack the rearview mirror.
By ethan chen4 years ago in Fiction
'Thunder Child' and the Epic Signal
Must have been nine, maybe eight, when first I learned about those Martians. Relying upon the primitive television devised by humans, my cousin Tamara and I were witness to the frightening arrivals of their deadly saucer ships, and we gaped at the destruction they wreaked, with their murderous heat beams. We drank in the scenes of global annihilation: Homo sapiens, defeated by ugly alien invaders with stick-like limbs and three-colored lenses for eyesight.
By Eric Wolf4 years ago in Fiction
An interesting day at The Pearly Gates
Saint Peter is sitting in the kiosk at The Pearly Gates Welcome Center, enjoying a moment of peace and solitude. A common misconception is that life inside Heaven is ALL peace and tranquility. In normal times you’d be correct, but these days Heaven is nearing capacity. things behind the wall are noisy and chaotic. He had just sent out a directive that might help bring things back to some sort of normalcy.
By Jack Nanuq4 years ago in Fiction
The Tranquilizer
PART 1: NIGHT Inspired by the frustration of another night of sleeplessness, Aurora empties her handbag onto a mound of clothes that, over the course of the past three days, has started to make its home on an armchair by her bed. She fishes a crumpled piece of paper from an assortment of objects - a notebook, sticky notepads of various gaudy neon colours, calming remedies, breath mints.
By Trish4 years ago in Fiction
The Last Flight of the Chihuahua
“What happened to this dog?” I was sitting in the vet’s parking lot, windows wide open despite the heavy cold spring rain. Thanks to Covid protocol I wasn’t allowed to come into the vet’s office but had handed a growling, barking, and extremely smelly pet carrier off to a vet’s assistant and waited for the vet to call my cell. Well the vet had called, but I wasn’t sure she’d believe me.
By Andrew Watson4 years ago in Fiction
Stage Fright
“Just think of it as a three-minute bit,” Toni tells me. “Two if you already know what you’re going to say. Do you have anything prepared?”
By Al Thomas4 years ago in Fiction
Hunted
In the distance, I hear her. Her voice is loud and strong...and terrifying. The golden glow of the setting sun casts the forest in a beautiful light. Too much light. I make a noise, signaling for my baby to find me and take refuge in the bush that is behind me. It is the only one in sight.
By Isa4 years ago in Fiction