Super Sensitive

"Being a superhero was never easy," thought Captain Amazing. "But it didn’t used to be this hard."

“Being a supervillain is even harder,” sighed Dr. Cranium. “Especially when you can read people’s minds.”

“Doc, I’ve asked you not to do that,” the captain slammed down his cup of coffee, shattering it on the formica table.

“And how many cups and windows and walls have you shattered accidentally?” countered the doctor. “We can’t control who we are.”

“You’re payin’ for that, Amazing!” called Lesley from across the diner.

The captain waved apologetically to their tired waitress, whose admonishments had become routine as of late. “Sorry - sorry folks.”

“Who you apologizing to?” chuckled Cranium, wiping the coffee droplet off of his glass helmet. “Nobody cares.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Look around, Cap’. We’re not new anymore. The thrill is gone. We’ve become the establishment that we were trying to upset.”

“I was trying to battle the forces of evil,” Amazing pushed back his shoulders and looked off into the distance.

“Yeah, and how’s that working for you?” Cranium picked at the cheese around the rim of his bowl of French onion soup. “Fighting evil, defending justice, that whole shpiel?”

“It’s... fine.”

“Nobody cares!” With his gesticulation Cranium’s cheese flew off his fingers and onto the table.

“Gross, Doc.”

“Nobody cares if you fight for justice and nobody cares if I rob a bank. Look at the world out there, Cap’. It’s all tik-tok and protest marches, instagram and gender pronouns,” he blew on his soup. “We’re from a different era. A simpler time. It’s not about good and evil anymore.”

“There will always be something worth fighting for,” Amazing tried to ignore the quavering in his own voice, but he saw in Dr. Cranium’s green eyes that he heard it, too.

“Let me show you something,” Cranium took out his cell phone and displayed a young woman gyrating. “You see this girl?”

“Is she in trouble?”

“No, Cap’, that’s called the twerk-shuffle-bop. It’s the latest dance.”

“Children should dance, while heroes defend their safety.”

“She’s a millionaire! From posting dance videos! What are you defending?”

“What about the freedoms? Freedom from fear? Freedom from want?”

“Spare me the Norman Rockwell philosophies, all right?” He swiped something on his cell phone and displayed a new screen to the captain.

“Hey, that’s you!”

“Yes, I made a video of myself. It’s not a big deal.”

“Why are you wishing someone named Gary a happy retirement?”

“Because. It’s this new website where they pay you a couple hundred bucks and you record a greeting. Easiest money in the world. I rub my hands together and say something evil and the people love it.”

“I don’t... understand.”

“We’re celebrities, Cap’. Good, evil, it doesn’t matter. People only see the celebrity of it. And they’ll pay for it. And it’s easier than holding the president hostage, or hijacking a nuclear submarine. I do, like, five of them before I get out of bed.”

“You... play the part? Of yourself?” Amazing just shook his head at the oversized dome of his once-arch nemesis, now beleaguered confidante.

“Hey, there he is!” hollered a girl of about nine. She and two friends of similar age bounded over from the door to the diner.

“Well, hello, young citizens,” grinned Captain Amazing.

“Oh, hey, Amazing,” nodded the children, before turning to Dr. Cranium. “Dr. Cranium, can I get a quick selfie?”

“Well, sure,” nodded the dock as he wiped his mouth with a napkin. “How do you wanna play it? I’ve got you in my clutches or you’re vanquishing me?”

“I was hoping... we could both do the hands on the forehead?”

“Brilliant,” replied Cranium and they both touched their fingers to their temples, leaning their brows forward like they were commanding Cranium’s power of telepathy or telekinesis. One of the friends snapped a series of photos on their phone and they thanked Cranium for his time.

“What’s your name?”

“I’m Dierdre. And this is Miguel and Alexis.”

“Nice to meet you. Stay cool,” he winked and gave a finger gun. The boys replied with the gesture and the farewell, and they were gone in a flurry of giggles and shoves.

Captain Amazing just stared at his adversary. “‘Stay cool’?”

“I know, but I’m trying it out.”

“What happened to ‘Prepare for your doom’?”

“I keep telling you, Cap’,” he slurped his soup. “It’s like Dylan wrote years ago: The times, they are a-changin’.”

“And the wink-finger gun combo was my move,” thought Amazing.

“Your ‘move’?” Cranium raised an eyebrow. “It’s a popular gesture.”

Amazing was going to tell Cranium to stop reading his mind but he saw the villain’s phone light up. “What’s that? An alert of danger? Is someone in trouble?”

Cranium glanced at his screen. “Aw, that’s sweet.” He showed his screen to the captain. “Deirdre sent twenty bucks to my account.”

Captain Amazing’s mind was reeling. He felt dizzy.

“Cap’, please try to calm your thoughts. You’re giving me a headache.”

The captain apologized and reached for his wallet but Dr. Cranium insisted on paying for the coffee. And the coffee cup.

How did this happen? he wondered. How did the world get so turned upside-down that the dastardly Dr. Cranium was paying for his coffee? That children were clamoring to get a villain's photograph? That there was a girl making millions from twerk-shuffle-bopping?

The blaring of a car horn startled Amazing. “Hey!” hollered the motorist, “Get outta’ the friggin’ road, Cap’n Annoying!”

Amazing waved apologetically to the man, but he dropped his hand when he saw teenagers pointing at him. He was grateful he didn’t have supersonic hearing like The Night Stalker, or a volatile temper, like Madame Furious, but he knew what they were saying. “Get a load of the goofball in the blue cape. Who does he think he is, anyway?” Good question, thought the captain.

He walked the streets of Capital City for hours that evening, ignoring any and all car horns and snickers, consumed by his own thoughts. When he finally looked up he saw gated storefronts and overturned garbage cans. Only the sounds of stray dogs and alley cats, shattering glass and distant police sirens reverberated off of the dark buildings. He had wandered into the Crevices, the more dangerous part of town. Not that “danger” meant anything to someone with impenetrable skin. Captain Amazing had been shot, stabbed, exploded, frozen, and burned more times than he could remember. Never so much as a scratch. Not even a headache. Until now. Along with whatever this emptiness in his stomach. This was a new feeling. And he did not like it.

So deep in his hollowness was he that at first he didn’t hear the cry from the alley.

Unmistakable, thought Amazing. A cry of distress. Sure enough, as he bounded around the corner, there was a pair of thugs closing in on a young woman. With a renewed confidence and feeling like his old self, he put his hands on his hips, declaring, “Stop right there!”

“Captain Amazing!” cried the woman. “Thank goodness! They were going to kill me and steal my purse!”

“Not on my watch!” With a single leap the captain was upon the thugs.

“Hey, easy, Cap’,” protested the first thug. “It ain’t what it looks like.”

Something about the assailant’s assumed familiarity of “Cap’” infuriated Amazing. With a flick of his hand he threw the thug against a dumpster. “Clank!”

The second thug protested but Amazing seized his outstretched arms and twisted them together like the dough of a pretzel. “Crunch!” A rush of endorphins warmed him as he gazed down at the whimpering man curled at his feet.

“Bang!”

Captain Amazing spun around and the young lady was standing over the first thug, a smoking revolver in her hand.

“Miss, what did you just do?”

The woman looked up from the body, eyes on Amazing, and fired the gun at him. “Ping!” The bullet bounced off the golden “A” on his chest like a ball bearing.

“She’s a killer,” came a voice from the ground behind him. He spun around to the whimpering man. “We’ve been tracking her for weeks. She’s the one you should stop.”

Four more gunshots smacked Amazing in the back like mosquitoes, followed by the clicking of the empty revolver. The woman was on him thrashing like a rabid animal, so Amazing grabbed her by the back of the neck. When she but she jerked away, he jerked her back. “Snap!” Her body hung limp in his hand. The warmth and the endorphins were gone. Now he felt cold. And that headache was like a drill in his head.

“You killed her.”

Amazing turned to the man on the ground.

“You did! I saw you!” The thug struggled to get to his feet and staggered against the side of the brick building behind him. “You’re a superhero. You’re not supposed to do that.”

“Wait a second,” Amazing pressed his palm against the man’s chest and he flew back against the brick wall, collapsing in a heap on the ground. “Thwunk!”

Captain Amazing had seen enough dead bodies to know that this man was not getting up. None of these three people was getting up. And here he was, standing in the middle. The dent in the dumpster, the broken bricks on the side of the building... could those have been made by something else? By someone else?

He couldn’t think straight. He was tired and sweaty and this headache was only getting worse. He didn’t know what to do or where to go, so he did what he did when he first discovered his powers twenty years ago. He ran.

The sound of a rustling woke the captain from his sleep. Trees, everywhere. That’s right, he had finally stopped in these woods, warmed himself with dead leaves and shrubs. Though it was dawn, the sky was still dark. He swallowed and felt how dry his mouth was. Then the rustling. He leapt to his feet, then stumbled because the ground was uneven. “Be cool, Cap,” he thought, “nature is good. Nature is... natural.” Cap sighed at his own innocuous thoughts. He hated his mind. He never could come up with clever things to say, like The Meddler or Lady Danger. Even Dr. Cranium spoke circles around him. Maybe it wasn’t the times changing like Cranium said. Maybe it was him. Maybe he should have read more, paid closer attention to the world beyond truth and justice. There were no more cartoon shows glamorizing his adventures with the Super Squad, no more graphic novels or hit songs. Even the crowds at the conventions grew thinner every year. And here he was, lost in the woods, in every sense. There was that headache creeping back behind his eyes.

“Twing!”

A bullet grazed the birch tree beside him, and Amazing was alert once more. In a classic crouch he surveyed the landscape for an assassin. Maybe Colonel Chaos, or the Korosu Killers, which meant throwing stars were sure to follow. The captain felt his senses sharpen as his muscles coiled in readiness. He saw the glint of something silver and leapt upon it.

“Crunch!”

“Hey, my rifle!”

Amazing looked from the twisted metal in his hands to the red-haired boy beside him. “Who are you?”

“Alan Abernathy. Who are you?”

Captain Amazing stared at the boy. He never had to introduce himself to someone before. Certainly not a young boy. “I’m... a superhero.”

“Well, is your super power making rifles? My grandfather gave me that for my thirteenth birthday. It’s an antique.” With a heavy sigh the boy delicately took the mangled metal out of Amazing’s hands.

“Sorry?”

“Whatever,” sneered the boy.

“Hey, young fella, you shot at me.”

“I was aiming for the tree.”

“The tree?” He turned around to the birch. “Well, bullseye.”

“This is my spot. See all the trees?”

The captain glanced at the trees around them and sure enough, each one had a dozen bullet holes in its trunk. “Why don’t you hunt animals?”

“Because I’m not a jerk,” the boy snapped.

“Sorry,” said the captain.

“Is that your power? Are you The Apologizer?”

“My name is Captain Amazing,” he extended his hand. “You really never heard of me?”

“My name is Alan Abernathy,” he shook his hand. “Have you ever heard of me?”

Amazing stared at this freckle-faced boy who reminded him of Police Commissioner Cunningham, but in a blue hooded sweatshirt and jeans. “You’re up early, Alan. Getting in some target practice before school?”

“It’s Saturday.

“Oh.” Days of the week made little difference to Cap. Maybe that was why the years seemed to slip by so quickly.

“I have chores,” Alan Abernathy started walking away. “Thanks for ruining my rifle. Maybe I’ll ask my grandfather for another one.” He called back, “Oh, wait, I can’t. He’s dead.”

Amazing’s brow furrowed at this particular brand of snark directed at him at such an early hour, in such a remote location. He called out to the boy, “What kind of chores?”

The smell of manure was more than the captain’s nostrils could tolerate. “This cow is broken.”

“That’s because you’re holding the teet wrong.”

Alan Abernathy adjusted Captain Amazing’s hands on the teet of the cow, and the milk came spurting out into the metal bucket. The sound of the liquid echoing inside the bucket was pleasing to Amazing’s ears. Maybe even more enjoyable than the thanks from passengers on a hijacked plane, or a runaway train, or the groans of his enemies when they were bested. He couldn’t help but smile: something as simple as milk from a cow could give him such satisfaction. “Fweeenk! Fweenk-fweeeenk!”

He felt similarly about piling the hay in the loft of the barn (“Whumf!”) and fixing the fan belt on the tractor (“Krrrunk!”). When the sun had set Captain Amazing felt something inside he hadn’t felt in years - he felt spent.

“So,” Mrs. Abernathy plopped a spoonful of mashed potatoes onto the captain’s dinner plate, “Alan tells us you’re a super hero of some kind?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Oh please dear, call me Darlene,” she brushed Amazing’s shoulder with her hand.

“‘Ma’am’?” chuckled Mr. Abernathy. “Holy Moses, Darlene, when was the last time someone called you ‘Ma’am’?”

“Just now, and I hope to never hear it again,” guffawed Mrs. Abernathy in a sort-of whinney that Captain Amazing found to be a bit much. These people were odd, no doubt about it.

“Listen, son,” Mr. Abernathy lowered his spectacles, “We don’t stand on ceremony here at the Abernathy farm. Every man is who he is, every woman--”

“Non-binary, dear,” added Mrs. Abernathy.

“Yes, yes, of course. Every person is whoever they want to be. If you’re a superb hero, then--”

“Super hero, dear.”

“What did I say?”

“Superb.”

“‘Superb’? I did? Huh. Well, actually that makes more sense, don’t you think? A superb hero? Has more style, I think.”

“You’ve lost yourself again, dear.”

Mr. Abernathy snapped his fingers. “She’s right, there I go again getting distracted. That’s ADD for you, eh, Cap? Finally got diagnosed a few years ago, and now I have Alan here to help me when I get distracted from milking the cows. Poor gals, I’d get so distracted with other tasks, they’d be filling up ready to burst. Point is... what was the point?”

“We are who we are, dear,” Mrs. Abernathy had begun eating her dinner.

“Yes, of course. We are who we are. If you’re a super hero, then that’s who you are, right? You can’t control it, and you can’t deny it. You are who you are.”

Something in Mr. Abernathy’s words lingered in Captain Amazing’s mind. Something about not being able to control who we are....

“Is he all right?” Mrs. Abernathy asked her husband and son.

“I just remembered,” Cap cleared his throat. “I have to be getting back.”

“Oh?” said Mrs. Abernathy. “So suddenly?”

“Now, dear, if he said he has to go, he has to go.”

“Thank you both. Truly.” Cap knelt down to talk to Alan. “Thank you, Alan.”

“Sorry about them,” he whispered. “They can be a bit much.”

Cap chuckled. “Be well, Alan Abernathy. You are a good soul.” From the crinkled look in Alan’s face Cap realized that was the wrong thing to say. “I just mean... you’re cool. That’s all. Cool.”

“Oh!” nodded Alan. “Cool.”

“Cool,” nodded Cap and kept nodding as he walked away, down the road, gazing back every so often to see the Abernathy farm grow smaller and smaller as the sun set.

“That sounds like one hell of a vacation,” Dr. Cranium blew on a spoonful of his chowder.

“I’m telling you, Doc, it was just a reminder to me that I am who I am, and that’s just what I’m here to do. To be. Me.”

Doc put his orange hand on Cap’s red-gloved one. “It’s good to have you back, buddy.”

“Good to be back,” he clasped Doc’s hand. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to meet with the commissioner about expanding my jurisdiction to include more rural areas. Places where there are farms. And families.”

“Sounds good, Captain,” Doc bowed slightly.

“Hey, don’t you ‘Ma’am’ me,” chuckled the captain. “It’s ‘Cap.’”

“Yeah, whatever,” waved Cranium. He relaxed into his booth and gazed out the window at the street.

“What was he blabbering about?” Lesley refilled Dr. Cranium’s cup of coffee.

“Just a simulation I placed him in.”

“Just to scramble with his head? For fun?”

“For faith. In him.” Cranium nodded to Captain Amazing marching down the street. “Some heroes get burned out, threatened by cynicism, so we give them a readjustment so they can... move on.”

“Move on, huh?”

“To the country. Where they can be heroes somewhere... sweeter.”

“Hmph,” snorted Lesley. “Sounds nuts.”

“Maybe,” nodded Cranium, still gazing out the window.

“And nice,” added Lesley.

“Yes, it does, Lesley,” he nodded at the figure in red and blue spandex growing smaller down the street. “Very nice indeed.”

The End