Second Look
For the 500-word shockwave challenge
No. There’s no chance of playing it cool. But in my defense, I’m nervous. Horribly nervous. All sweaty palms and jittery feet. And forget butterflies. It feels like a million eels are swarming and slithering round my stomach.
“It’s strange being here,” I stutter, shoving my quivering hands in my pockets. “Today, I mean.”
She doesn’t say a word. Just rattles the espresso machine and slams a cup of foamy coffee in front of me.
“Daisy. Cappuccino’s ready,” she calls out to the girl in the banana yellow coat, lurking by the door.
“So?” she yawns, slouching against the cash register. “What can I get you?”
“Well,” I croak, wishing my voice didn’t sound quite so hoarse and feeble. “Please could I…”
“Yes…”
I gulp, choking down the lump in my throat and glance at the chalk board behind her. Honestly, I thought I’d got past this. The pitiful, not knowing what to say stage. I squint at the menu, cheeks burning, the whooshing and gurgling of the coffee machine competing with the roaring in my ears.
I’d be perfectly okay if the ground opened up and swallowed me whole right now. Or if aliens swooped down and whisked me off to their spaceship. Anything to get out of this wretched situation.
“Could I please…” I mumble, dipping my head and peeping at her through my lashes. “Please could I have a ham salad on rye, no radishes.”
Normally she laughs and finishes the ‘no radishes’ bit for me. And we giggle at how I call them evil tomatoes and insist they should be made illegal. But not today. There’s no smiling, no banter. No sparkle in her wicked green eyes. She just flings the ham, tomato and lettuce between the slices of bread and slaps them together. It’s like she’s a completely different person. She’s acting like we’ve never met before.
Perhaps I’ve mistaken her friendliness for something else. Maybe the spark between us is all in my head. She probably doesn’t even remember my name. How could I have been so stupid.
She pops the limp looking sandwich into a paper bag and slides it towards me. I wish I’d never stopped by today. I don’t usually on a Friday because of the boring accounts meeting. But it was cancelled, and I wanted to see her and…
“That’ll be five pounds please…”
“How did it go at the dentist yesterday?” I blurt out, my hand flying to my forehead. Could I be any more boring.
She frowns, biting her lip: “Dentist?... I didn’t go to the dentist.”
“But I…”
“I think you’re getting us confused,” she smiles, turning to yell over her shoulder. “Millie. Millllllieeeeee.”
I blink when another girl rushes through from the kitchen. Same wild curly red hair. Same green eyes, except hers glint and dance in the light. And she’s grinning. At me.
“Danny,” she squeals. “What are you doing here on a Friday? I see you’ve met Katie. My twin.”
About the Creator
Caroline Craven
Scribbler. Dreamer. World class procrastinator.
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Outstanding
Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!
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Excellent storytelling
Original narrative & well developed characters
Compelling and original writing
Creative use of language & vocab
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Comments (24)
Oh nicely done Caroline! Love the twist with the twin- it feels earned, such is the abruptness of Katie. It has you guessing whether Danny has got things terribly wrong, and you feel bad for him!
This is such a wonderfully done twin twist!! The main character’s attempts to sort through the confusion of the scene is so fabulously done! I really wasn’t sure what was going to happen! Excellent micro, Caroline!
Interesting twist! And I hate radishes... 😒
OMG i was so frightened that she didn't like him any more and you were going to break out hearts! Excellent twist and very sweet little story Caroline!
Phew! I thought it was looking bad for Danny for a bit.
The way how you see love and feel it is brilliant. I subscribed you to give my support and I welcome you to read my ones too 🥰!
That moment of complete awkwardness turning into surprise was such a fun twist and gave the whole scene a warm unexpected shift I really enjoyed the storytelling and how it kept me hooked till the end thanks Caroline for sharing this delightful piece❤
I love it! The writing is amazing and the pacing is perfect, building up the tension until that fun twist at the end! Great storytelling! 🫶
Ha you got me with that one. I was playing Sherlock and trying to noodle it out but you went and shocked me with a twin. Fantastic Caroline
Awkward! I'm glad it still turned out well for them!
Wow, Caroline, this story is fabulous! You had me, it was definitely a surprise. I was feeling horrid for her. I love the short staccato-like sentences (I'm bad at those). Well done! The stumbling of her asking for her sandwich and description of the radishes… Congrats on the Leaderboard this week, too🎉🥳
Awesome twist!!! I was starting to feel bad for the MC, lol.
Love, love, it, Caroline! I truly admire your writing style and got a kick out of the "evil tomatoes" reference to radishes. ☺️
Ohhhhhh! A twin! Classic! 😀
Nice surprise… the life of a twin🤗.
Hi Cc - Yes, not just the Mom ~ Dad! Surprise~Surprise in those days without the ‘Imaging.’ I talk about Lucky Larry in my silly stories all the time! Sorry you missed viewing my Sketch ✍️ of us and the little story “Twins”..! Cc- You know I’m just an old fashioned story teller; nothing more. Your BucketBud -Jj- *Oops I should’ve put this in the reply section—I’ll delete it in a minute so not to jam your banner!
Cc - As the subordinate Twin, he being the Alpha. We could never work together as youngins - now we're inseparable; go figure. Just thought I'd toss that into your coffee for a 'Heartfelt' stir..! Jj.bud
What a fun twist! For what it's worth, I will forever think of radishes as 'evil tomatoes'. Love it. Great job, as always, Caroline!
Oh I just thought he mistook her friendliness and confessed his feelings for her and she said that she doesn't feel the same way about him and that's why she's acting cold so he doesn't keep his hopes up. But boy was I wrong, lol. Loved your story!
I was not thinking twin. Great twist, Caroline!
What a relief. I seriously wondered if she was possessed or something... Great story, Caroline <3
Gave the feel of a Twighlight zone episode....a person going mad. Then poof, a pleasant twist.
I really enjoyed this... fab fiction.
Lol cute! I was preparing for a body snatchers, brainwashing twist, but this was much nicer 😅