Per My Last Breakdown

“Don’t touch that, Mark.”

“I’m touching it.”

“Of course you are.”

“You don’t own the copier, Claire.”

“I own the consequences of you touching the copier.”

“It’s a big green button. It’s begging.”

“It’s warning you, Mark.”

“It literally says ‘Start.’”

“Which, when you touch it, means ‘Start the apocalypse.’”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“You jammed it yesterday with a donut.”

“That donut had glaze integrity issues.”

“Your snack choices are not the IT department's problems.”

“Relax. I know what I’m doing.”

“You say that right before everything breaks.”

“See? It’s copying.”

“More like it's screaming for help.”

“That’s just the noise it makes.”

“Mark, that is not a normal noise.”

“Maybe it’s clearing its throat.”

“Copiers do not have throats.”

“Wow, Claire. Way to erase copier identity.”

“Please step away.”

“I’m already emotionally invested.”

“Mark.”

“Claire.”

“We are at work.”

“I’m aware. I’m wearing the badge.”

“Which is upside down.”

“It’s abstract.”

“It’s HR-relevant.”

“Did you seriously email the whole department about the fridge?”

“Yes.”

“One yogurt went missing.”

“My name was on it.”

“In Sharpie. Aggressively. I noticed.”

“That was yet another warning.”

“You CC’d the VP.”

“He eats yogurt.”

“You are exhausting.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Why is the copier flashing?”

“Because it’s thinking.”

“It’s plotting.”

“Don’t anthropomorphize when you’re wrong.”

“I’m never wrong. I’m early.”

“Mark, it’s smoking.”

“That’s steam.”

“That’s not steam.”

“That’s toner dust.”

“Is it supposed to smell like burnt toast?”

“No.”

“It's because you pressed the big green button... again. It surrendered."

“Admit it, Claire. You’d miss me if I transferred.”

“I would welcome the silence.”

“You love my energy.”

“I tolerate your presence.”

“That’s affection in corporate.”

“Please stop talking.”

“Can’t. If I stop, it wins.”

“Who?”

“You. The copier. Management.”

“Mark....you are impossible!!”

“And yet, here we are. Alone. Again.”

“That was one time. During the fire drill.”

“You held the door.”

“Because it was my job!”

“You sighed when I walked through.”

“Because you were late, as usual.”

“I brought muffins that day.”

“You brought crumbs.”

“They were blueberry.”

“You left fingerprints on my keyboard.”

“I was saving a file.”

“You renamed it ‘final_final_MARK_EDIT.’”

“For clarity.”

“For chaos.”

“Look, it’s done.”

“That’s blank paper.”

“Minimalist.”

“You wasted an entire ream.”

“For art.”

“Unbelievable.”

“You know, for someone who dislikes me, you spend a lot of time talking to me.”

“Because you keep breaking things.”

“And you keep fixing them.”

“I’m preventing disaster.”

“You’re enabling me.”

“Don’t flatter yourself.”

“I will anyway.”

“Hand me that stack.”

“Careful.”

“I know how to hold paper.”

“You say that like you’ve been tested.”

“Look, no paper cuts.....You’re smirking.”

“I’m coping.”

“Why are you laughing?”

“Because the copier just printed your email draft, Claire.”

“That was private.”

“‘Per my last email’ in bold?”

“It was a draft.”

“You underlined it.”

“For emphasis.”

“You added a smiley face.”

“It was sarcastic.”

“You can’t be sarcastic in email.”

“Watch me. By the way, Mark.... we are not friends”

“I know.”

“You irritate me.”

“Mutual.”

“You undermine me in meetings.”

“You interrupt me, Claire.”

“You steal my pens.”

“They migrate.”

“You ate my yogurt.”

“Allegedly.”

“You’re impossible.”

“And yet.”

“And yet nothing.”

“And yet you fixed the copier.”

“So you’d stop touching it.”

“Still counts.”

“Don’t read into this.”

“I won’t.”

“Good.”

“Because it would be awkward.”

“Extremely.”

“Coffee?”

“No.”

“Strictly professional.”

“Fine. Vending machine.”

“That’s still coffee.”

“Technically it’s brown water. Mark.”

“Claire.”

“…After work.”

“Wowwwwww.”

“Don’t make it weird.”

“Too late.”

“We are coworkers.”

“Who are not fond of each other.”

“Correct.”

“So 6:30?”

“6:45.”

“Compromise?”

“Don’t push it.”

“Sure.”