A Practical Instruction for Making Morning Coffee, with Notes on Survival

Objective

To produce one cup of coffee sufficient to restore basic function, memory, and the illusion that today will be manageable. This schedule assumes ordinary equipment and an extraordinary level of dependence.

Step 1: Wake Incorrectly

Wake up at least ten minutes later than intended. This is important. Coffee is fueled by mild panic.

Remain still for a moment. Take inventory:

- Body: present but unwilling

- Brain: loading (slow connection)

- Day ahead: already suspicious

Do not check your phone yet. Coffee must meet you before the world does.

Step 2: Locate Yourself in Space

Sit up. Place feet on the floor. Pause to ensure gravity is still operational.

Shuffle toward the kitchen. You may bump into a chair you swear wasn’t there yesterday. This is not a spatial error; this is your home reminding you that it exists independently of your plans.

Turn on the light. Squint. Regret the light. Leave it on anyway.

Step 3: Assess the Coffee Situation Honestly

Open the cabinet where the coffee lives. Stare inside longer than necessary.

Confirm the following:

- Coffee is present

- Coffee is not expired (or not expired *enough* to matter)

- Coffee quantity is emotionally adequate

If supplies are low, experience a brief but vivid fear of the future. This is normal and will pass once caffeine is introduced.

Step 4: Prepare the Machine

Approach your coffee maker with guarded respect. It has moods.

Fill the reservoir with water. Do not measure precisely. Coffee prefers confidence over accuracy.

If you spill a little water on the counter, wipe it up immediately. Leaving it there will feel like a moral failure later.

Insert filter if required. If you forget the filter, you will discover this too late. Accept this as a lesson you will not fully learn.

Step 5: Measure the Coffee Grounds Philosophically

Scoop grounds into the filter.

The official recommendation is “one to two tablespoons per cup.” Ignore this. Instead, measure based on:

- How tired you are

- How much you have to pretend to care today

- Whether you have a meeting that could have been an email

Add an extra half scoop “just in case.” Coffee respects foresight.

Step 6: Begin Brewing and Immediately Doubt Yourself

Press the button.

Did you add water?

Did you add coffee?

Is the mug under the spout?

Stand very still and watch the machine begin its work. The first sound of dripping is reassuring, like proof that cause and effect still function.

If nothing happens, press the button again with unnecessary force. Whisper something encouraging or threatening. Either works.

Step 7: Wait Improperly

While the coffee brews, do not leave the kitchen. This is a known mistake.

Instead:

- Lean on the counter

- Stare into the middle distance (remember, you aren't quite awake yet)

- Remember something awkward from five years ago

Check the clock. Decide it must be wrong.

Smell the coffee as it brews. This is the first improvement of the day. Let it happen.

Step 8: Select the Mug Carefully

Choose a mug that matches the level of emotional support required.

Options may include:

- The oversized mug that says nothing

- The chipped one you refuse to throw away

- The novelty mug that was funny once and now feels like a warning

Rinse it even if it looks clean. Trust is earned in the morning.

Step 9: Pour with Intention

When brewing finishes, pour the coffee slowly. Watch the steam rise. This is a small ritual and deserves attention.

If you spill a few drops, pretend you meant to. This is a theme you may reuse later today for various other erred tasks.

Add milk, sugar, or nothing at all. Each choice says something about you, but you don’t have to listen.

Stir. Tap the spoon against the mug once. More than once is excessive. Less than once feels unresolved.

Step 10: The First Sip (Critical)

Take the first sip too soon. Burn your tongue slightly.

This may be necessary. It reminds you that you are awake and capable of feeling consequences.

Take a second sip, more carefully this time. Notice how the coffee does not solve everything, but does make everything feel negotiable.

Step 11: Stand and Recalibrate

Hold the mug in both hands. Let the warmth spread. Breathe.

At this stage:

- Thoughts become linear

- The day stops looking personal

- You remember at least one thing you’re good at

Do not rush this part. Coffee works best when acknowledged.

Step 12: Proceed with Caution

Carry your coffee to wherever the day begins: desk, window, couch.... existential dread.

You are now approximately 60% functional. This is the maximum promised by the manufacturer.

Maintenance Notes

- Repeat as needed, usually daily

- If coffee tastes bad, check water quality, grind size, or your general outlook

- If coffee tastes perfect, be suspicious—something else may be going wrong

Final Reminder

Making coffee is not just preparation. It is a negotiation between who you are when you wake up and who you need to be an hour later.

Treat it with respect. It’s doing a lot of work.