Pain is just a touchstone

when I was about four I suffered my first blow to my chest . I had a kitten. She was white with blue eyes. Soft as silk, I named her angel. I felt a feeling I never felt before. A pain that arose from my stomach and my heart beat fast. What is this feeling. It was fear. I loved this kitten but I also feared for its life. At the young age of four I already was equipped with fear and a knowing that there was a dark that followed me. A darknesss that everyone had. Not a shadow but death. It follows all of us. I somehow knew that without being told a thing about it. And I feared my kitten had to meet that horrible fate one day as we all do. Not even a week later my fear came to reality as I was heading to the beach with my uncle. Excited and totally oblivious to life and it’s wicked lessons. I laughed and yelled to hurry up let’s go! As he reversed I felt the bump. Immedeatly dread flowed over every cell of my body. No I said please no. He jumped out and looked at me. No words needed to be spoken as I felt the first pain in my chest. The first deep sharp stab to my heart. Death, grief, loss, at the young age of four I didn’t know my soul was preparing me for the life I was about to experience. Now at the age of fourty and typing this I see four year old me with tears running down her face. And I don’t even wanna comfort that little girl. Because I know that she is about to face unimaginably pain and a hug or a it’s gonna be okay would be a lie. Life was about to fuck me. And I had no idea what this little kitten had gifted me. A insight to Lifes horrible yet beautiful journey.

My uncle picked the kitten up by the body as her head went sidewards limp. My four year old self felt a new feeling it was burning and I had made two fists with my little hands and I realized I was angry. Not just angry I was angry and hurt and I was ready to hurt someone.

Hurt people hurt people. Another lesson I learned at the young age of four. Lesson I just realized that at the time my “lessons” had quickly become tool. Fear helped with my worrying and anxiety. Backed by anger to stomp out that fear next came tears of hurt and pain.

Why didn’t you look! I yelled. Knowing he would immedeatly feel like he had to take the blame. I see guilt fill his eyes and he quickly looks around for a towel. What’s that gonna do? He thinks quickly and wraps my limp lifeless kitten angel in a white bath towel. I see seeps of red starting to spread. As he Hans me angel saying I’m sorry.

I take her and start to examine my friend. I feel the pain arise again from the bottom of my tummy up to my chest and I start to gasp for air.

Why I ask him. Why did this happen? Not knowing what his answer would be but trying to make sense of this pain and loss I am feeling.

He is speechless and I hear a voice behind him slowly speak. As soon as I hear it warmth and comfort starts to fill my chest.

We don’t know why. Honey. I hear my mother speak…… comfort that kine brought me comfort. We don’t know why.

Something I have said over and over again as I watched people I love leave this world suddenly over and over again.

Why? We don’t know why.