Michelle Borja

Pain is just a touchstone

when I was about four I suffered my first blow to my chest . I had a kitten. She was white with blue eyes. Soft as silk, I named her angel. I felt a feeling I never felt before. A pain that arose from my stomach and my heart beat fast. What is this feeling. It was fear. I loved this kitten but I also feared for its life. At the young age of four I already was equipped with fear and a knowing that there was a dark that followed me. A darknesss that everyone had. Not a shadow but death. It follows all of us. I somehow knew that without being told a thing about it. And I feared my kitten had to meet that horrible fate one day as we all do. Not even a week later my fear came to reality as I was heading to the beach with my uncle. Excited and totally oblivious to life and it’s wicked lessons. I laughed and yelled to hurry up let’s go! As he reversed I felt the bump. Immedeatly dread flowed over every cell of my body. No I said please no. He jumped out and looked at me. No words needed to be spoken as I felt the first pain in my chest. The first deep sharp stab to my heart. Death, grief, loss, at the young age of four I didn’t know my soul was preparing me for the life I was about to experience. Now at the age of fourty and typing this I see four year old me with tears running down her face. And I don’t even wanna comfort that little girl. Because I know that she is about to face unimaginably pain and a hug or a it’s gonna be okay would be a lie. Life was about to fuck me. And I had no idea what this little kitten had gifted me. A insight to Lifes horrible yet beautiful journey.