My Baby

Everytime I see that heavy belly I want to punch something. Break something.

Roy and I tried for years. One by one, our friends shared their happy news. We couldn't avoid them. Social media meant that we saw them even when we didn't see them. It felt like every month brought another announcement.

At first, I unfollowed them, but it got so I'd have to unfollow almost all my friends.

Once the baby arrived, the onslaught of pictures became relentless.

We battled on. Roy had his feelings, but mine were worse. He wasn't on social media much, and when it got bad, he had the sense to be on it even less. Me? It was a scab I had to pick.

I asked my little sister Daria if she'd be a surrogate. Her eggs were only twenty-five. She said No.

Two years of disappointment later, passion a dwindling dot in the rear-view, the baby-shaped gap looming large in our lives... I asked again. If the tables were reversed, I'd have done it for her. She's my sister. Surely, if she loved me as a sister, she'd do this?

Her excuses were empty things, and I exposed them as such. Her eyes went cold. Brittle.

We gathered at Mum's for Christmas. I could hardly bear the daggers of sympathy, felt them in my still-flat torso. Well, I said, Daria isn't ready yet, but when she is...

I hardly heard the Oh that's wonderful because the gaze had shifted to above my shoulder... she's right behind me isn't she?

I didn't want to tell you like this, Serena, she said in a stony voice. I've told you No. The fact is, I'm infertile too. So please stop asking.

The scab is a gaping wound in my abdomen. Still, I pick. I devour her ghastly pregnancy photos. I tell her I'm happy for her, but she must see my pained grimace is far from a joyous smile. She doesn't care that it hurts, that she lied, that she's not happy enough and too happy all at once.

That's my baby. It should be my baby. I dream of cutting her open, plucking my baby from her at the root and putting her in this wound, where she belongs.

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CONTENT WARNING FOR INFERTILITY/SURROGACY

Word count: 366

(NB. This excludes the title, subtitle, and author's note.)

Submitted on Wednesday 9th October at 22:50

Disclaimer: Any similarity to any person alive or dead is purely coincidental.

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