Mei-Li

It’s said that grief is the price we pay for love and I knew without a doubt that this would be the hardest payment I’ve ever made.

Sitting beside her on the floor while tears carved a river of heartache onto my face, I felt lost. How could I do this? How could I make this decision that would end her life and smash my heart into a thousand pieces? How could I yield this god-like power without paying a price that would tear away a piece of my soul?

Stroking her once golden fur, which was now turning white, I held the water filled syringe to her mouth as I begged her to drink.

“Please, Mei-Li, please try to drink. I need you to try. Please.”

She tried but it wasn’t working. Every time I pressed the syringe the water would just fall out the side of her mouth. Trembling with fear, my mind raced searching for answers to questions I didn’t want to ask.

Was it time? Did I do everything I possibly could to help her? Is she in great pain? Does she want me to help her end this pain and cross the rainbow bridge to peace and comfort?

I couldn’t answer these questions alone. I needed her help. I needed her to tell me what to do. I needed her to use her voice like she had several times in the thirteen years we’ve been together.

I could count on my hands the number of times she used her human voice with me. It was our secret as she only spoke with me and only at times of great anguish in my life. I tried telling my wife about it, after the first time, but she just laughed it off and told me I was losing it.

I tried to get Mei-Li to speak with her but she said, “It’s not possible. It will only work with you. We somehow have a special connection that makes you want to hear. It is a very rare connection that not all dogs and humans share.”

Staring into her beautiful brown eyes that were now turning cloudy, I pleaded with her, “Help me Mei-li. Tell what to do. I can’t do this alone.”

Those eyes had captured my heart on the day we adopted her and enchanted my soul when she spoke her first words to me. At first I felt fear as she shouldn’t have been able to speak, but speak she did, and it scared me a little. Not only did she speak but she spoke her first words so clearly that it was unmistakable. She had said “Wǒ ài nǐ” which are the Cantonese words for “I love you.”

I recognized the words easily as they were the first words that I had learned in Cantonese when I met my wife in China. They were also the first words my wife spoke to Mei-Li when we named her. My wife had said that the Chinese word “Mei-Li” translates in English to “Beautiful” and I agreed that we couldn’t have picked a better name.

Over the years she has had a profound and loving impact on my life when I needed it most.

I remember several years ago when my wife, Lina, and I were going through an extremely difficult time in our relationship and came very close to ending it. My wife was at work and I was sitting on the grassy hill in our backyard thinking in anger about our latest argument and how she had stormed out of the house in tears that morning.

Mei-Li came and sat beside me on the hill and spoke to me for the first time in over a year.

She asked, “What are you feeling right now?”

I stared at her for a second before replying, “Anger and pain.”

“Why do you think you feel both anger and pain?”

“I really don’t know Mei-Li. Maybe anger because of the words that were spoken this morning.”

“Well, what about pain? Why do you think you feel pain?”

My eyes welled up as I thought about the question, before answering, “Because I saw the tears in her eyes this morning and it broke my heart.”

Mei-Li moved closer and placed her paw on my leg before saying the words that changed everything and possibly saved our marriage.

She said, “I want you to think about what you miss the most about your life before Lina. Then ask yourself are you willing to give up what you have now for what you had then or are you willing to fight for the love I know you and Lina have.”

I needed this kind of wisdom now. I needed her to reassure me and calm this mind numbing fear that was eating at every fiber of my being.

I lay on the floor with her and gently rubbed her face as I said the words, “I love you,” over and over before she finally spoke.

“Wǒ ài ni. Don’t be afraid because I am not afraid. This is the natural way of things. I’m ready to go now. You and Lina have given me the best life any creature could hope for. A life filled with love and joy. I know it hurts but understand that you are not hurting me, you are helping me. I will always be with you, in your heart and in your dreams and I will see you again when your time comes. This decision, which comes at a great cost to you, will help me cross that rainbow bridge on the wings of pure love. This is the price for true love but it is also the gift.”

Now as I sit on the grassy hill, with a calm comfort in my heart and a warm smile on my face, I think of her final words.

“This is the price for true love but it is also the gift.”