Love under one roof

Everyone who mattered was there, except for Denise. She was there more in body than in spirit and she didn’t matter. At least that‘s how she felt that night. In fact, she didn’t even pay for her ticket and it weighed heavily on her conscience. The music was way too loud and it was colder than usual. Denise was overstimulated and exhausted, and felt out of place. A flashback dating back almost a year ago. It was the opposite of this, a small family gathering of four. Cozy and warm.

Every plate had a piece of perfectly cooked salmon, garnished with steamed vegetables. William was the centre of attention, and despite his quiet demeanour, he truly enjoyed it. His beloved parents and his beautiful fiancée were there. They all enjoyed spoiling the birthday boy; he was the capybara of their little animal kingdom. He knew how to stay in zen in the middle of chaos, even when it was somewhat his fault. There was no ring on her finger; it was still at the jewellery store. No, William wasn’t planning to buy it, buy it back that is. Denise really wanted to go to Italy that summer to support William and his talent. Hence, the ring was sold for a quarter of its original price. It didn’t matter, though, because she was making eyes at someone across the table. That someone, being married and whatnot, pretended he didn’t notice that he was the centre of her attention. It wasn’t that long ago that Brian said, “Anna won’t be coming home tonight”, without looking Denise straight in the eye. She felt butterflies in her stomach and made dinner for them that night on his request, but it wasn’t meant to be. They were both left with what-ifs because her conscience overrode her desire, fortunately, I guess. The next time an opportunity presented itself for them to spend time alone, the ball was in his court, but he didn’t dare. He loved his dear wife, and his moment of weakness, it was just a glitch. That night was the only night their sick fantasy could’ve come to life, a small window of opportunity, when his desire was greater than his conscience and love for Anna. Denise was beside herself, driven mad by desire and her love for him. Her mind kept taking her there, as it goes in ‘Counting Stars’ by OneRepublic: “Why does it feel so bad doing the right thing?” She was wet every time she saw him, except for those times when her pain threshold was crossed a few too many times in a row, that is. She just needed time between the heated arguments to return to her senses and feel the ground under her feet again. They couldn’t escape each other for the first little while as they all lived under the same roof: Brian, his wife, their beloved son, and the foolish girl, who made it all up in her head. In reality, Denise was madly in love with the wrong guy, the one who resorted to gaslighting to keep his reputation intact. Sadly, she adored everything about him, even his horrible personality and deep wrinkles. She barely noticed them; it was as if he glowed from the inside and appeared ageless to her. A vampire, sucking the life out of her every time he changed his tone and made her question her worth. They were admiring each other from afar, secretly, at least she was, wondering what it would be like with a man twice her age. Over the years, Brian lost everything but his charms, and most importantly, his family. They meant the world to him, and Denise understood, but couldn’t help herself. It was bigger than her, love that is. The air in the room was dense. Anna behaved like she owned Brian, every inch of his body, and even his free will. He was a free man with a lifelong prison sentence. He confessed his love for Anna with every opportunity he got, as if trying to convince himself that despite finding Denise attractive and being drawn to her, monogamy is his thing. It’s as if he forgot about that night when nothing happened, but could have happened if Denise was braver. They looked perfect together, Brian and Anna, but she was a little too old for him, even though she was roughly four years younger. Anna’s lines were clearly visible, but she’d pray for Brian that night, and his love for her would become even stronger. He didn’t notice Anna’s lines, just as Denise didn’t care to notice his. She had to stay calm that night and keep her inappropriate thoughts to herself. Denise didn’t care what people thought of her, at least not that year, not as a cancer patient. It was time for her to be carefree, wild, and do things she wouldn’t usually do, no matter the consequences.

Brian had the nerve to make a toast, saying he was delighted that his son had Denise in his life. He said that she did a great job keeping the house clean and was a good influence on William, real wife material. It sounded insulting, but Denise bit her tongue, smiled, and raised the glass. She cared deeply about William, and wouldn’t do anything to sabotage his special day. It was possible to pretend to be normal for one day and play a happy family. She could send Brian a long text message, full of love disguised as hatred, on another day. It wasn’t the right time to confess what was on her mind. After all, if she did, where would she go? Who would put up with her and her mood swings? Perhaps deep in his heart William knew the truth, but chose to stay with Denise anyway. It would take too much effort to initiate a breakup and there is never a convenient time to hear an inconvenient truth.

The next day, Denise went all out. The dance floor helped her cope when facing her own mortality and unrequited love. She left the lovestruck puppy at home, put on a sexy dress, and some lip gloss. Sadly, he was still there, at the back of her mind. He paid for everything, she got attached to him, his son, and his money. One moment, there he is, the one who’ll help Denise forget, out there on the water. He’s waiting for a sign that she’s ready to throw her life away to end up in a space the size of a closet with an abusive alcoholic. Little did he know she was claustrophobic. She just needed someone to make her forget, at least temporarily, the one her heart refused to let go of. Eight months down the road, same beach, same party, same people, but Denise felt really out of place. Cancer-free, stick lovestruck, but with less intensity. It was five out of ten now, not nine. They were all still part of her life, except for the one who helped her forget the one she yearned for. He failed her as a man, but luckily didn’t break her; at least her spine was intact. Denise was a different person, determined to get her life back on track and end the drama series for good.

Her body didn’t want to move to this music, but she still yearned for a connection. A perfect stranger with short blond hair, a biker’s suit on, wrapped in a blanket. They were both desperately trying to stay warm and enjoy the night. The music died down, and she was drawn to him. Denise told him everything, and he seemed weirded out for a moment, but stayed and listened. Perhaps they will never see each other again, maybe they will… but this time, instead of trying to forget, Denise will try to remember… to remember who she really is and what truly matters.

“It’s time to celebrate being alive, don’t you think? Have a good night,” he said, before disappearing into the darkness.

Christmas Day was truly special, with the whole family gathered around the table. Denise and Brian exchanged longing glances, but it didn’t mean anything, not to anyone but her. Only a little while ago, Brian said… Never mind, enough with the flashbacks. The stars look beautiful tonight.