Love story gone wrong

It was a beautiful day, full of pleasant surprises, until he called, that is. At first, he sounded concerned, but that wasn’t the reason he dialled her number. There was always something Adam was unhappy about and there was always someone to blame. Anastasia was exhausted, mainly from the weight of her thoughts. He always expected her to lighten up in his presence, regardless of what was going on in her life. She had a CT scan earlier that week and she was really nervous about the results. She barely ate anything, anxiety was wreaking havoc with her nervous system. Anastasia needed Adam to be there for her, but he was preoccupied with his own problems, or the lack of. After few days of silence, she summed up the courage and reached out to him. Instead of affection he gave her a cold shoulder. She didn’t pay him a visit that week because she was anxious and tired. After another attempt to connect with him, she gave up and blocked his number. It was painful, knowing that he didn’t care about her as much as he said he did. The silence was deafening. There was a growing distance between them, a lot of things were left unsaid, on both sides. Adam always put himself first, not matter what was going on in her life. He said she meant the world to him, but when she needed him the most, he left her out in the cold.

Anastasia felt like she had to answer the phone that night and tell Adam what she was going through, hoping he’d understand. For a moment, she thought that his intentions were good, but not long into the conversation his tone changed. He didn’t really care how she was doing. It was his way in, as not to scare her away right off the bat. Shortly after she lowered her guard and opened up, he took out the big guns. Adam told her about all the things he was unhappy about and how she failed him. There was tension in the air, she felt her throat tighten, he had no right to put her through more stress at a time when she felt so vulnerable. Anastasia knew she couldn’t count on him, especially when her life was in danger, because he was too selfish. All he brought into her life was drama, chaos, and good sex. She was an adrenaline junkie, but now she regretted getting involved with him. They had some fun, sure, but was it worth all those sleepless nights, her tears? He put her on an emotional rollercoaster and filled her head with empty promises. Adam needed someone to become a vessel for the pain he didn’t want to carry, the pain he refused to feel. He inflicted the wounds he didn’t want to heal on Anastasia, as if that was the price she had to pay to be part of his life. This relationship was doomed because they met when they were at their lowest. They call it trauma bonding. He was addicted to weed and alcohol, and she was addicted to him.

“Why can’t I just let him go? Why do I feel like I have to answer his calls? Why can’t I just deny him access to my body and why is he taking up so much space in my head?” – she often asked herself. Adam went on about how Anastasia was always too busy for him and never reached out first. How could she? Anytime she wasn’t on her best behaviour or rubbed him the wrong way, he’d blow up. Adam blamed it on things like autism, bad weather, unfavourable circumstances, and occasionally hangovers. He said binge drinking had nothing to do with it, even though his fridge was always stacked up with beer and he couldn’t last five minutes without weed and tobacco. He didn’t have money to take her out on a real date though. Any money she earned, she spent on long bus rides, missing out on events she actually wanted to attend just to spend some time with him. He said he wanted to see her, needed to see her, and she had to make it happen, whatever the cost. Silly girl, sometimes she stayed on the phone for hours listening to him complain about his exes, or brag about his work. He had a boat, a dog, and a dream. He was going to take some time off and travel the world, with her by his side. In order to make it happen, he just needed to put money aside. That’s why he couldn’t take her out for dinner, or buy her flowers. Big plans, small world, at least for her, she couldn’t breathe in it. The air was too dense, there was no space for her to spread her wings and be herself. She had to keep her mouth shut because anything could burst his bubble and set him off. Besides, there were only few places where they could go together because he was uncomfortable going to unfamiliar or crowded places. He was tied to his boat, the place he called home. The dragon’s den. However, little did he know that she was a dragon. He tried to tame her, to make her smaller so that she’d fit in. How can a dragon live in a place that’s the size of a closet?

In her mind, Anastaisa tried to let him go, long before this conversation took place. Even though it was love at first sight, the more she got to know Adam, the more she realised that something was off about him. They both had secrets. He hid his darkness from her and she wasn’t upfront about her living situation. She had someone by her side, someone who loved her unconditionally. Adam’s angst was like black resin, filling her lungs and making it hard to breathe. The more she got to know him, the more she started appreciating the man who showed her kindness. He didn’t make her feel excited, but he made her feel safe, something Adam failed to do. Nevertheless, she couldn’t help herself, her heart and her mind were at war over Adam and her feet carried her to his door every time he summoned her.

The long trips in the winter, her kindness, her time, it was never enough. Adam always wanted more. Like a vampire, he wanted to sink his teeth into her flesh and suck her dry… draining her resources, her energy, her life force. He knew she was battling cancer, but it didn’t matter to him. He wanted to quench his thirst, fill a void in his heart that was like a black whole. His love was conditional. He only cared if Anastasia lived as long as she proved herself to be useful to him. Adam never went out of his way to make her feel safe and comfortable. Someone had to break it to him, that he is an arrogant and selfish prick, but she didn’t have the nerve. He made her weak in the knees, even though the butterflies in her stomach began to rot. One day, when he gets the courage to take a long hard look in the mirror, he’ll see it for himself. When Adam almost drowned one day, Anastasia rushed to his side and kept him warm. When he had a mental beak down over an ex-girlfriend who pulled a trigger on him and got away with it, she cried with him. When he broke his leg and all his friends who lived nearby were busy, she took him to the hospital. When his beloved dog died, she mourned the loss of his best friend with him. Did he forget?

Perhaps this was the right time, but Anastasia hesitated. She simply hung up the phone after Adam told her that they didn’t belong together. He was right, but the timing was off, this could have waited. On one hand Anastasia was disturbed, but she knew that this was her way out of an unhealthy relationship. She acted on an impulse and blocked his number before a cascade of negative emotions began to flood her phone as text messages. She knew she had to be strong in order to finally free herself from the male version of a succubus she has been dealing with over the past year. After all, she was always in an airplane mode because their relationship was like a turbulent flight on a downward trajectory. This was obvious from day one, at least to Anastasia, but she was looking for an escape from her own problems. Adam was a pilot ad she was a co-pilot. At some point she fell asleep and let him crash the aircraft. She didn’t want to fight for a dream that seemed too far out of reach, but she played along and stayed for the ride. She knew that he didn’t want to change or take care of her if things went wrong. That was the real reason he decided to end things that night. Perhaps he doesn’t deserve to know.

It was 4am, she was still awake, wondering if she’d make it to that job interview tomorrow and whether she’d ever see him again.