Lost Ones Weeping

So, most stories start with ‘it was a sunny day’ or someone waking up, sometimes even with something exciting like running from or towards trouble.. But, this one starts with a question; it’s one that maybe you’ve heard before and didn’t really think about. Or maybe you heard it but didn’t really think about it. Maybe you’re the one that asked it, and understand what I mean when I ask it. But, maybe I’m carrying on too much so I’ll get to the point. Have you ever felt like you can’t breathe? Of course, you can breathe just fine but it feels like there’s so much pressure on your chest that you’re suffocating. There’s people that go through this everyday, yet they’re stuck simply smiling and bearing the pain. This one is about just one of those people, and a short version of what they went through. So maybe, you’ll be able to understand what someone means the next time they ask you the question.

A sigh escaped from the blonde, her hazel eyes dull as she tried to focus on the black board at the front of the class. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t remember anything anymore so she didn’t know why she still struggled to keep up. She knew that by the time the next class came about, all of this lesson in math would be gone from her head. She got distracted and began doodling on the notebook she had originally brought out to take notes, only snapping out of her little trance once her name was called in a rather sharp tone of voice. The girl’s head snapped up and she stared at the teacher that now stood over her desk.

“Would you like to join the rest of the class now, Nicole?” the old lady asked, causing embarrassment to flood Nicole’s face. She looked away, muttering an apology before closing her book as she tried to ignore the almost silent laughter of the other students. She just wanted school to be over, she was tired of it. Almost as if answering her prayers, for this class at least, the bell rang and Nicole left in a hurry. It was only when she had reached her English class did she realize her pencil had been forgotten on her desk. She let out a heavy sigh, holding back tears as she walked into the classroom and sat down. She watched Mrs. Williams preparing the lesson and waited until she no longer seemed busy before raising her hand and quietly admitting she had forgotten her pencil in the last class.

The teacher’s once mock cheerful face became a bit darker, irritation showing clearly now as she opened her desk drawer and called Nicole to the front of the class. She felt slight frustration clench her chest and she walked up to the front, staring at the older woman with shame in her eyes. Mrs. Williams grabbed a pencil from her desk and held out her hand. Nicole was barely holding back tears as she pulled out her book and let the teacher stamp it with a detention mark. This wasn’t the first time she had gotten detention for forgetting her pencil in her last class and knew it wouldn’t be the last. She returned to her seat and sat in silence throughout the entire class as she tried to ignore the thought of the other 6th graders laughing at her. It was her last class now, and it had become her favorite; writing. The only teacher that was nice to her, Mrs. Runninger. She sat down in her seat, eager for this class to begin. This was the only teacher that was nice to her, the others only saw her as a burden. It was this teacher that made school worth coming to. Writing was the only time she felt relaxed, even with the students that bullied her for the accident that had occured in class.

She sat through the class attentively, turning in her assignment. Mrs. Runninger was the only teacher that had not bullied her for her new forgetfulness that she didn’t know the cause of. The only teacher that didn’t tell her that she wasn’t allowed to tell anyone she had epilepsy. It was this teacher that gave her life light, and she regretted that it would end soon. It was only at this class that she remembered what awaited her at home and didn’t want school to end, but it ended all too soon. Nicole clenched her teeth, putting on a smile as she tried her best to not make the nice old lady worry.

As the bell rang, she sighed sadly and walked out of the class, heading to the place she currently dreaded the most. He would get her when she got home if he was in the mood.. Or maybe the woman that was supposed to be like an aunt would feel like today was the perfect time to put her through hell once again. When she arrived home, she got her answer. That man didn’t seem to want her today, but that woman was. She tried to hold back the tears as she was beaten down verbally, being called words such as ‘useless’ and ‘retarded’. It was only when she was in her room alone that she began to silently sob, going to her jewelry box and opening up the drawer only to find an empty space. She wanted to scream as she saw the only method of comfort she had left was gone. She slowly removed her long sleeves, digging her nails into old self-caused injuries as she tried to calm down. She couldn’t understand why her razor kept going missing, but at this rate she no longer cared. She flopped down in her bed and covered up, curling into a ball as she began to do muffled sobs into her pillow.

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Now, reader, at this point you might be thinking, if you don’t understand, ‘it’s just a few things, how could all of this possibly make a child want to do this?’ but you may not understand that sometimes, not even age can protect you from depression and there are many untold things that go on in the life of this child. Physical abuse, mental/verbal abuse, bullying and on many occasions, the most vile and twisted type of abuse there is. Imagine growing up with something that cannot count as a childhood while holding everything deep inside of you. There were many secrets that she had not revealed to anyone because she feared the consequences of doing so. Because all she saw result from it was bullying and parents rejecting their children. She got no help from anyone as she grew up and had to deal with all of these feelings suppressed, her only comfort was in her online friend that she called ‘Arch’. Arch, of course, knew her as someone else though. Arch knew Nicole as ‘he/him’ and ‘Jasper’. Arch was the light within Jasper’s life, and he appreciated their friendship. But what happens when you’re in a new environment, still haven’t told anyone but your best friend the hell you’re going through and then lose the only way you’re able to contact your friend?

A sigh escaped from Jasper as he walked into the house after school, barely able to handle what had already occurred today. All he wanted was to log onto the chatsite and speak to his closest and most trusted friend before he lost his mind. He froze as he saw his mom and step dad sitting at the table and cursed mentally. Had they found out he’d been ditching again?

“Nicole, where were you today?” his mom asked. He withheld the urge to cringe as the name he was given at birth was used and he looked away. He couldn’t really try to correct them, it wasnt as if he had told them. They had accepted him liking girls and he had no desire to push the subject.

“I was at school.” he mumbled,knowing it wasn’t exactly a lie. When he was given the usual glare that meant his mom was almost done with the conversation and may move to physical punishment next, he sighed. “You didn’t ask if I went to class. You simply asked for my location. And I was, indeed, at school.” He murmured, glancing at her. He inwardly cringed as he realized he had definitely said the wrong thing.

“You’re grounded.” His step father snapped, causing him to protest loudly.

“I can’t remember anything anyways, so what’s the point?!” Jasper snapped, though he quickly regretted it as his step father got up and was up the stairs faster than he thought the man could move. He went into Jasper’s room and left it with the powercord to his computer, leaving Jasper horrified. He just knew he hadn’t shut it down properly, and now he had to deal with all the work he lost on his digital art upon getting it back. He cursed mentally, hatred showing clearly for that man. “I’m 17 already, stop treating me like a child! I hate it here!” Jasper snapped, running up to his room and slamming the door before locking it. It was almost too much as he stared at his black screen. He had needed Arch, and the fact that he couldn’t speak to them was driving him crazy. He sighed, waiting a few minutes before deciding that perhaps it would be best to apologize and maybe get his stuff back earlier than intended. He went to knock on the door of his mom’s room, pausing before doing so as he heard them speaking.

“I’m starting to want that one gone too!” it was his step dad, sounding rather angry and Jasper felt something in him break before going numb. If that was what was wanted, he would grant him that wish. Jasper turned and went to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door and staring down at the 5 pill bottles filled with medicines meant to help with his epilepsy. If they wanted him gone, then he would give them that. He took a deep breath and opened the bottles, beginning to pop the pills back without a second thought. He almost choked on the powdery texture of his medicine and had to cup water into his hands to get water that way. It was only when he had gone through two bottles did he start to feel dizzy. A sad smile showed as he looked in the mirror, hoping that maybe in the next life he would be reborn as the person he felt he was supposed to be if reincarnation were real.

Jasper didn’t remember much after that other than his mother shaking him while they sat on the stairs in the house, screaming and asking why he did it. He simply pointed to the note he left, his eyes dull. The note he had written said ‘Good luck saving me’; not that he actually wanted them to. He learned later that after that, he went into an endless seizure and had to be put into a medically induced coma.

Two days later, Jasper woke up. Upon seeing he was in a hospital room, he began to say ‘no’ over and over again. He didn’t want this. He didn’t NEED this. He had wanted so badly to die, and they hadn’t been able to grant him that. He looked up and saw a note on the board telling him to come home soon. He clenched his fists, crying while he was still alone. He decided then that if there was a God, he was too cruel to leave someone that had no desire to continue the pointless game he called ‘life’. By the time his mother, step father, older brother and ‘aunt’ arrived, he had managed to stop crying, his expression dull. His mother stared at him and when they were alone, she finally spoke.

“I told you I loved you.. And you tried to kill yourself.” He stared at her in disbelief. Her way of saying ‘I love you’ had apparently become her screaming in his face while twisting his arm. He made no comment, withholding the anger inside.

“I just want to talk to my friends..” he murmured, looking even more sad than he had before. His mother let out a sigh and agreed to give him back his stuff when they got home. He breathed out a sigh of relief, now longing for the first time ever to be back in that house where his only escape was his room. He stared out the window, his eyes still dull. It was only when his mother spoke again that his attention was caught, and he had to resist the urge to scream in frustration at her next words.

“The doctor says you did this for attention. Why would you risk your life just to get attention you already had?” She asked, seeming a bit irritated. He balled his fists up, not answering her. If a doctor had decided he did it for attention, how could he possibly convince her otherwise? “But they’ve still diagnosed you with Clinical Depression and are going to try to get you medicine to help in case you truly are depressed.” He scoffed at this, looking away.

“Mom..” He paused, unsure of how to continue. But this would verify whether or not his fears of not being accepted were true. “I’m trans.. I want to be a guy.” His mom looked at him with shock, not responding at first so he continued. “I prefer the name Jasper.. And to be called he and him..” It was only after that that anger flashed on his mother’s face and she snapped at him.

“The internet has corrupted your mind! I accepted you being into girls but I will never accept a gender change.” She all but yelled, turning and starting to walk away. “If you ever try, I will lock you away and make sure you never leave my sight again. I had a daughter, not a son. Fuck you if you don’t like my daughter.”

It was at that moment that he felt something shatter within him and he had to look away, wanting to cry but no tears would come. He cursed the life he had been forced to have, wishing he could just disappear forever. He was left feeling more empty than ever and thought he would suffocate from the pain he felt. He had known this all along, so why did it still hurt this much? After she left, Jasper let out a sigh and fell back into the bed, closing his eyes before drifting off.

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Dear reader, now you may be wondering: ‘can a parent really say such things to their child?’, ‘Would a parent really consider what she did as saying ‘I love you’?’; my answer for you is yes. Many parents refuse to accept it when their children don’t turn out to be what they wanted. So many are forced to walk in the same shoes their parents did or the ones their parents want them to. After this, Jasper didn’t come out to anyone else. He feared that at this point, even his friends would reject him. He suffered with depression all alone for several more years all alone with none of his family ever accepting him and most of them disowning him and telling his mother she should do the same. As the years passed by, his skin was treated as paper by him and gained many more scars all over his body. The anti depressants didn’t work because what he needed was someone to talk to about all of his pain that could help him. His only comfort was his best friend that he could never see in real life. And so we reach his early 20’s, he is already ugly, disgusting, worthless, unnecessary and any other negative thing you can think of in his eyes and he’s given up all hope on ever being who he feels he was born to be.

After years of sexual, physical, mental and verbal abuse, Jasper was far beyond broken. He is told his entire life that he will never accomplish anything because of his epilepsy, which only gets worse the older he gets, and autism. He’s always told to ‘Grow up’ and to ‘Just be happy’.

Jasper sighed and leaned against the couch. He still lived with his mother despite his attempts to leave. Everytime he was able to, something always happened that left him right back where he started. At the very least, the man that had broken him to begin with was out of his life forever. His only comfort these days was writing and drawing. He had long since stopped self harming upon his best friend asking him not to. He had made a promise, and he took them very seriously since so many promises to him were broken. When he woke up that morning, he didn’t know just how wrong things would go that day. His attention was caught by someone coming into the door and he looked up to see his ex boyfriend. He held in a groan, wishing he hadn’t been pressured into dating his brother-in-law. He was so tired of it. He couldn’t even contact his best friend to help him in these times.

His ex was angry, and snapped on him, asking why the house wasn’t clean yet. Jasper glared at him, fed up with the endless attitude that was thrown at him by this man. “I’m taking a break, fuck off.” Alex began to scream and yell at him, causing him to walk out of the house and slam the door. It was only when he heard running behind him that he knew he was being run at and he prepared himself. But when he heard impact on skin, he realized Alex had just been trying to scare him and had punched his hand instead. Jasper spun around to face him, his voice rising with every word he spoke. “Go ahead, hit me. And then find out what my brother does to you.”

Alex gave a smug face and retorted with “My sister has him whipped, he won’t do a damn thing to me.” Jasper sighed and turned, continuing to walk away when Alex continued screaming at him. It was only when the landlord’s daughter stormed up and started screaming at Alex that they noticed someone had seen their exchange. She was on the phone and informed Alex that she had called the cops. At that, Alex quickly walked to the only car they had home and got in, speeding off before the cops could arrive. Jasper sighed, thanking the girl despite his urge to tell her she shouldn’t have gotten involved. He walked back into the house and began cleaning. After a few minutes, his phone started ringing nonstop and he checked his messages to see that it was his sister in law going off on him. He felt confused as she began telling him that he was dead to her and ‘why would you let her call the cops on my brother?’ He stared down at the messages, beginning to feel even more numb as she continued on about how Alex had not even hit him.

He let out a sigh. He could handle his sister-in-law disowning him. He had never felt like she liked him to begin with. It was only when his mother called him that he truly broke the rest of the way.

“What have you done?” She asked, her voice shaking as if she had been crying. “He was my only way home from work. Now I’m stuck here.” Jasper tried to protest but she ignored him, telling him she was done with him before hanging up. He stood in the kitchen for a moment. His mind hazed over and he slowly walked into the bathroom, opening the drawer and digging in the back to get the razor he had hidden away. He lifted his pants legs, not fully realizing what he was doing as he began to slice into his already scarred thighs once again. No one needed to know. It was only after his legs were almost unrecognizable that he realized it wasn’t helping this time. He stared at his medicine, knowing that right now would be the best time if he wanted to finally cure his pain permanently.

Jasper walked into the kitchen and grabbed a drink, beginning to take his pills slowly but surely. After he had taken almost the full bottle, he went into his room and laid down. His last thought before he drifted off was ‘I don’t care if I never wake up..’ He prayed he wouldn’t wake up this time. After what seemed like only a short time, he felt his body begin to seize and felt the horror build up as it woke him up. No, this wasn't how he wanted to go. He was seizing but this time, he was aware of his surroundings. He couldn’t do anything. It seemed god truly was cruel. It felt like forever that he had to suffer through the seizure when he heard his mother walk through the door and call his name. He tried to respond so she wouldn't come to him, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t do anything but shake. It was only when she walked into the room and fell to the ground, beginning to cry as she started shaking him that he realized she did care.

He watched, unable to even blink, as she called his brother and screamed at him to call an ambulance, saying that something was wrong. Before he fell asleep for the last time, the paramedics came in and he heard his mom speak for the last time.

“She can’t die this way, her biggest fear is dying from one of her seizures!” Ah.. So she remembered the thing he had told her months ago. He almost couldn’t believe it and slowly began to regret not just talking to her and saying how much he needed help. With that thought in his mind, everything went dark and he breathed his last breath with his mother screaming for him to not leave her and that she loved him.

This story sadly, does not have a happy ending. Because if it had a happy ending, how could I possibly stress just how bad depression and the lack of acceptance can be? Jasper may have had an unhappy ending.. But maybe, just maybe, after reading this, those that aren’t as accepting can find it in themselves to accept those that are rejected for things they cannot help. It is a true story for so many people in society. Some of us made it, but no one deserved it. Learn to recognize the signs of depression so that maybe you can help someone that’s suffering through it alone, too afraid to open up and tell someone. Lack of appetite, lack of hygiene, no energy to even get out of bed, their smile will never truly reach their eyes, they’ll most likely say ‘I’m fine’ everytime you ask but they’re never truly ‘fine’.

If you’re ever having suicidal thoughts, stop and take a breath. Life does get better no matter how bad it seems right now.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255