Hot Buns

‘Now aren’t you a scrumptious thing. My little tart.’

‘Takes one to know one.’

‘You don’t say.’

‘Ohh but I do.’

‘I’ve been fantasizing about our rendezvous all week, over and over again in my head. It's absolutely torturous. Being so close yet so far. Denial makes it all the sweeter though.’

‘I’ve been waiting for you. Counting the minutes down, each second a heartbeat towards our entanglement. Do you like my cologne? I chose is especially for your tastes.’

‘You smell heavenly, actually, no, you don’t, you smell sinful.’

‘All the better then.'

‘Is that cinnamon and honey I detect? How utterly delightful. You know what I like.’

‘Sticky, sweet, with a whisper of spice.’

‘And fresh as the dawning sun, I delight at the thought of licking it off you.’

‘As mistress desires.’

‘Come closer, let me feel your heat, and gaze upon that immaculate four pack. The delineation, the cross pattern, it’s perfect. Crafted with great care and effort. Those buns, sculpted by the gods, Adonis himself would turn crimson with envy.’

‘Mistress is too kind, for I am but her humble plaything.’

‘Ohh, and what’s this I spy? Is that a sausage roll or are you just happy to see me?’

‘Such salacious secrets are yours to discover, may I suggest putting those curvaceous, erudite lips to use beyond mere words?’

‘I may allow such suggestions if you behave. These lips are luscious, but they favor only the most worthy of suitors. They conceal my devious desires.’

‘Those lips may conceal desire, but your eyes conceal naught but hunger, a hunger I wish nothing more than to sate.’

‘And you’re a feast for the eyes, rest assured, my little treat. But in due time. There’s no rush; the wait is part of the dance. That sausage roll will have its chance. You know what I like.’

‘Umami for mistress, you lick your lips, I envy them the experience.’

‘Perhaps a tease, a taste of my little secret. A nibble for now, an appetizer. I’ll have my bread and butter before my meat, but I shant spoil my appetite with a sampling. Salty and savory, with a hint of, what is that I detect? Mischief?’

‘I want you right now, I cannot stand it. I want you to take it all in, give in to the desire!’

‘The warmth, that scent, the lingering echo of gustation dances upon my senses. I could, and it excites me, but no. Denial is its own aphrodisiac. We shall savor the moment to come.’

‘You torment me so, mistress, and it stokes my inner fire. My core warms, it years to be part of you. I would feel you.’

‘Come closer, embrace me, and let me explore the landscape of your form against mine. The smooth, resilient valleys and ridges, the honesucked aroma. My tongue has rarely tasted such ambrosia as that upon your skin.’

‘Your caress is ethereal, gentle and smooth as buttered silk, do with me as you desire, goddess.’

‘I intend to. Ohh my these buns. Firm, yet supple. With softness of silk, yet a rugged defiance to them. The warmth of them on my fingertips makes my skin tingle. The honeyed aroma and cloying sweetness of your flesh makes me ravenous. I can practically see the steam coming of your skin. So hot and you’re all mine. I’d think it illegal to have a form so fresh and delectable, and a crime to not use you.’

‘Yes, crush me mistress, let your nails dig deep into me. Tear me apart, ravage me, I belong to you. Taste me, devour me, eviscerate me my mistress! Bite me, kiss me, bestow upon me the bliss of your tongue and teeth. Take me into your warmth. Shred me my goddess.’

‘Mistress, not to ruin the moment but we’re being watched. Others are starting to stare.’

‘Good, I want them to watch. Their jealousy is almost as delectable as you, it makes this all the more decadent.

‘But what if the others find out? You know how word gets around, and we aren’t that far away from prying eyes. They might find us here.’

‘Come on, isn’t that half the fun? A little danger, a sprinkle of the voyeuristic.’

‘Half, don’t be insulting? It’s all fun with you. I can’t wait to press up against those supple shapely lips of yours and feel the caress of your tongue, but what would the others say if they knew? What would they?’

‘They’d call me a cheat of course, and they wouldn’t be wrong. But I’ve earned this, all work and no play after all. You’re my salty, steamy, creamy, reward, lets not pretend otherwise. They can gossip all they want. I’d bet most of them are cheaters; few around here are of the faithful type. Vows and words fall flat in the face of primal desire.’

‘Nothing flat about my buns or... my friend here’s curves.’

‘Well, well, well, you brought a friend? What a delightful surprise. I’m going to savor every moment of this, and them.’

‘I thought you’d enjoy them, and you mentioned you wanted to try something new.’

‘Glad you’re not the jealous type.’

‘Sharing is caring, the more the merrier mistress.’

‘I knew I’d chosen well, you’re more than just a savory platter. My my, now who is this magnificent slab of chocolate?’

‘Dessert before finishing your meal mistress? We had just begun to get to the meaty bit.’

‘I’ll live my life and take my pleasures as I see fit. Dessert is how I feel. I shan’t be judged by you, know your role.’

‘But of course, mistress, I would never presume. We live to serve, our purpose is your pleasure, and you have us at your will.’

‘Now come here, big boy. That darkened complexion, oiled to a sheen, I can practically see myself in it. Aren’t you an irresistible delight?’

‘Get a good look, I hope you like what you see, I wish only to be a treat for such a fit goddess as yourself.’

‘The length of it, the curvature, the girth and circumference. Such fullness. It makes my mouth water.’

‘Intimidated?’

‘Intimidated? Never. Titillated. I’ve had my share but yours has a shimmer and form uncommon. The movement, the spiral, it’s entrancing. The creme within must be as impressive as the package. What flavor awaits, vanilla or caramel?’

‘It’s..’

‘Ssshhh sweet thing. No, don’t ruin the surprise. I’ll know soon enough, my lips already quiver with anticipation of the discovery.’

‘What does my goddess desire?’

‘I want your glazing dripping from my yawning mouth, I need your frosting deep inside my guts. Fill me up with your whipped ecstasy. Get inside me, right now, get deep inside me. I want to feel you sliding down my throat, the slickness of your form, the vividness of your chocolate caress at the back of my throat. I need you in, me and I need it now.’

‘Ksee mii mmmsss, excsss miii! Sorrrr bbbbttt!’

'Ahh! You startled me. What? Speak up I can’t hear you.'

‘Eeeerbdddzz?’

‘Forgot I had those in, sorry. What do you want? I’m sort of in the middle of something.’

‘Yeah, about that, I know, we all do. Unfortunately, I’m afraid I’m going to have to politely ask you to leave.’

‘What why? I’ve done nothing wrong. Last I checked, this was a free country and I’m a paying client like everybody else. I’m not loitering or anything. I’ve paid in full, and I will not be denied what I’m owed.’

‘Well, no, not technically, but your enjoyment is unsettling the other patrons.’

‘It’s my cheat day, I’m just enjoying this delicious spread, your selection of offerings is euphoric. It’s delightfully sinful. Wait, what do you mean by unsettling the other patrons? I’m just minding my own business, I’m not bothering anybody else.’

‘Ms, this is a bakery. You’re scaring people.’

‘Scaring people? How so, I’ve been sitting here quietly enjoying myself.’

‘Ohh dear.’

‘Why would I be scaring people? Ohh god…was I, was I talking out loud?’

‘Yeah… and not quietly. You were going on about it in a rather enthusiastic whispering sort of way. Probably the earbuds.’

‘Uggh You heard me?’

‘Ohh we did indeed.’

‘Aaaahhhhhhh! I’m so sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry ohh god. I’m so sorry everyone. Ugghh ahhh!’

‘Miss! Miss! Umm you forgot your order…She’s not coming back. Sorry about that everyone. Please don’t let that ruin your experience. Please feel free to take a cookie from the tray beside the register, no charge. My apologies for that disruption.’

‘What’s was with all the yelling? Everything alright hun?’

‘No, we’re fine. You can put down the rolling pin. There was another umm, ‘Incident’.’

'Really? Another one? That’s the third time this week. That’s a new record.’

‘By Buddha's bouncing belly, it’s like invasion of the food perverts around here and you’re cracking wise. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a compliment to our little delicatessen and clearly our baking is leaving a deep impression, possibly the wrong type but this is getting absurd. What in the hell is going on? Did some villain spike the water supply with cannabinoids or is something cosmic in retrograde?

‘Well, Tami, if I were a gambler….’

‘You are, it’s one of the reasons we have three metric tons of debt, and my hair hasn’t known what it's like to be completely free of flour and sugar granules for the past decade yet by some act of god we’ve still managed to retain the business.”

‘Touchy, anyway, I’d wager it has something to do with that fitness cult that opened up around the corner. One of those extreme fitness deals. I think it was Elite X-treme Fit camp something, something. You can tell it’s a real treat by the use of the X in the title. You know the type where every calorie is a war. Acting like body fat is responsible for all the evils of the world. Counting calories to fractions and three HIT classes before lunch, or you’re a disgrace of a human. That sort of place. You know the antithesis to what we do here. More butter, more better after all.’

‘Ahh that makes a sick sort of sense. Can probably smell the shop from there when the breeze picks up. Jesus tap dancing Christ, that must be unbearable to the hardcore crowd. Mind ravaged by caloric desire after a workout. That explains the uptick in business lately.’

‘Yeah, can’t complain about that. I feel sorry for them, though. We’ve sort of unintentionally been chumming the water by proximity.’

‘Self improvement, I get, nothing wrong with loving and caring for yourself, body positivity is important, but some of these folks coming in lately. I can’t help but wonder how deeply fitness cultures got their hooks in them. That level of food fetishism isn’t normal. It just seems so utterly toxic. How do people get taken in so deeply by that and not notice?’

‘I dunno, unrealistic body standards, marketing, societal pressure, deep rooted shame in having a body, and all that. Take your pick. I blame the patriarchy. I see she left her sausage roll and sandwich, shame to let that go to waste, she barely touched it. Mangled those hot cross buns though. Think she’s going to come back for it?’

‘I doubt it, she was about as red as the cherry filling on the strudels when she bolted out.’

‘Well, no sense letting that go to waste.’

‘Eww. No, don’t touch it. Just put it in the trash, please.’

‘Why not? Looks fine. Barely touched, aside from those mangled buns.’

‘It’s not the quantity of touch I’m concerned about, it’s the quality. She wanted to bad touch it. If you get my drift. I couldn’t muster the courage to approach until she was already about to defile the chocolate jelly roll. Those buns weren’t mangled, they were molested.’

‘So I take it you don’t want it then?'

‘No, just throw it away.’

‘Shame on you. Never waste food, and we can’t resell it. Look at it this way. If we let this go to waste the fitness cult wins. I’m doing this as an act of solidarity for body positivity. This is for the greater good. Matter of fact if I don’t eat it, the patriarchy wins. Do you want the patriarchy to win?’

That is some pretzel logic you’ve got going there, but you know my feelings and just how to twist an argument. Eff the patriarchy. Have it your way.’

‘Knew you’d see it my way. Pass that over here.’

‘If you’d heard what she said to that sausage roll, you may reconsider.’

‘Pfft Prude. I don’t kink shame clients or waste food. This is a double win.’

‘Can you at least stop making eye contact with me while you’re eating the sausage roll, and for effs sake, stop licking it and just eat it like a normal person.

‘No, no, I don’t think I shall.’

‘Remind me why I married you again?’

‘My hot buttery buns?’

‘Tanya! My god, you’re terrible.’

‘You love it.’

‘I love you, there’s a difference.’

‘Ohh come on. Just having a little fun.’

‘Hey hun. Come here, I have something to tell you, but just you.’

‘Fuck the Pastry-archy.’

‘Ahhahahhaha, blurk eecck speeeh!'

Holy crap, I almost choked on the roll. You're trying to kill me, pulling that on me while I’m eating? You know what your puns do to me.’

‘Good, serves you right. It’s your pun-ishment.’

‘Snorfle ugh cac. Ugh stop it!’

‘There, think we are even. I’m calling you if we have another incident brewing though. You’re dealing with the next one, and the one after that. Matter of fact, I think you just signed up for all the future ‘incidents’ since you seem to have so much in common with these bread molesters. Was the sausage roll worth it?’

‘I have no regrets.’

‘Look lively, that sweaty man in the corner with the poorly fitting low cut v-neck shirt seems to be muttering intimately to that cheesecake. He’s breathing heavily, and I’m pretty sure I heard the words moist and hole. Let me know how that turns out. I’ll get the rolling pin ready. Good luck love.’

‘God damn it…Excuse me, sir.’

===Authors Note==

You saw the content warning and thought this was going to be dirty, didn't you? Bamboozled. I'm not even sorry. - Addison