Digital Diarrhea

George Carlin's "first real book" was Brain Droppings and contains many of Carlin's best stories and jokes. According to the cover, the book contains "jokes, notions, doubts, opinions, questions, thoughts, beliefs, assertions, assumptions, and disturbing references" and "comedy, nonsense, satire, mockery, merriment, sarcasm, ridicule, silliness, bluster, and toxic alienation".

This was written for the challenge "If Great Dead Writers Were on Facebook" hosted by Lana V Lynx. https://shopping-feedback.today/critique/if-great-dead-writers-were-on-facebook-3%3C/em%3E%3C/p%3E%3Cstyle data-emotion-css="14azzlx-P">.css-14azzlx-P{font-family:Droid Serif,Georgia,Times New Roman,Times,serif;font-size:1.1875rem;-webkit-letter-spacing:0.01em;-moz-letter-spacing:0.01em;-ms-letter-spacing:0.01em;letter-spacing:0.01em;line-height:1.6;color:#1A1A1A;margin-top:32px;}

Working together, I and the great digital brains of Silicon Valley have brought him back for a one-night show to get a few new droppings on his "take" on the world in 2025.

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Howdy folks! I see that shocked look on your face, wondering where I've been. Well, the lovely profit making corporation called Amazon has reanimated my brain ,the one that was frozen in 2008, so that I could have the opportunity to write them a new book. Maybe it will boost their sales 0.1% if I don't mess this up.

I better make this fast, because once I'm done, I'm sure they'll put me back into the deepfreeze to save on insurance premiums. 

With the few brain cells I have left, I have caught up with all the shit that's been going on while I've been on vacation. And boy, is it stacked high.

Our Language is in the Digital Dumpster

Folks, have you noticed in the lat 20 years how language has gone to hell in a handbasket made out of toilet paper? 

• We don't talk anymore - we "drop content." 
• You're not a person with a thought - you're a "creator" with a "take."
• What's with this "low-key" and "high-key"? - "I'm low-key obsessed with oat milk." Why do you need to hint at your love for oats? Just say you it like you mean it! 
• Oh, and "extra" - there's another one. You're not extra, you're just annoying, like a car alarm in a library. 

We're drowning in "aesthetic" this, "vibes" that. "This coffee shop has such a vibe." Yeah, it's called overpriced coffee and bad Wi-Fi. And "manifesting"? You're not manifesting a beach house, Karen, you're just daydreaming with a vision board and a $40 candle. 

Meanwhile, "ghosting" used to mean spirits; now it's just your date vanishing faster than a politician's promises. And "curated"? You didn't curate your Spotify playlist - you threw together 12 songs and called it "Chill Vibes 2025." 

Museums curate. You're just clicking

And the acronyms! SMH, LOL, YOLO - our language is turning into alphabet soup for people too lazy to type. "SMH at this FOMO." What are you, a human text generator?

Our AI Talks so We Don't Have To

And AI is writing our emails? That's rich! We've got computers spitting out "Best regards" and "Hope this finds you well" like they're auditioning for the role of who can be most boring and inauthentic at the same time. 

After corporations learned how to hide their bad intentions behind a wall of polite sounding drivel, our world has turned into a landfill of late payment notices, broken dreams and job terminations.

At least back in the day, they had to type their own nonsense - now we've outsourced our bullshit to algorithms that are 24/7 making it sound like you are never going to going to get back to anyone. 

And if you are one of the people who is going to ask why I'm so angry, thanks for your concern.

The 24/7 Sham

Everything's is now open 24/7 - Walmart, Dunkin', your gym, your therapist's chatbot, hell, even your dog's got a 24/7 pet cam so you can watch him sleep while you're scrolling at 3 a.m. 

Everything's open, but here's the thing - nobody wants to work! I walked into a Walmart at 3 a.m. to buy a plunger because my toilet's staging a revolt. And what do I find? Aisles of fluorescent lit despair, a kid in a blue vest staring at his phone like it's the meaning of life, and a self-checkout machine that's screaming at me to "place the item in the bagging area" like I'm defusing a bomb. 

Nobody's stocking shelves, nobody's cleaning, nobody's even pretending to care. They're all on shift but off in la-la land, swiping through TikTok while the world's open 24/7 for no damn reason. 

You call this progress? It's a 24/7 circus run by an algorithm that doesn't give a rat's ass if I ever find that plunger.

The Great Algorithm Overlords

You ever wonder who's running this circus? It's not humans anymore - it's algorithms. I watched one video about fixing a leaky faucet, and suddenly my phone thinks I'm Bob Vila. Next thing, it's recommending "Top 10 Ways to Grout Your Life Back Together." 

Social media? It's a slot machine for your brain. Scroll, scroll, scroll - ding! A notification! You've been liked. You're not even happy, you're just addicted to the dopamine hit. They've got us trained like lab rats, except the cheese is a sponsored ad for a $200 yoga mat that "vibes with your chakra."

The Gig Economy Hustle

You know what's replaced the American Dream? The gig economy. Used to be you worked 40 hours, got a pension, maybe a gold watch. Now you're driving for Uber, delivering tacos for DoorDash, and filming TikToks about your "side hustle" at 3 a.m. They call it "flexible work." Flexible like a contortionist in a shark cage. You're not an employee - you're a "partner." Sounds nice, right? Until you realize your partner's a faceless app that docks your pay because you took a bathroom break. 

Don't even think about getting sick. No health insurance, but hey, you've got a five-star rating and a car that smells like burritos.

Where's My Data?

Remember my old bit about "stuff"? Well, in 2025, it's not just physical stuff - it's data. 

Your phone's got dirt on you Every click, every search, every time you accidentally liked your ex's photo from 2017 - it's all stored somewhere in a server farm in Idaho. And they're selling it! "Personalized ads," they call it. I looked up "best pizza" once, and now I'm getting ads for pizza-shaped pillows, pizza-themed yoga retreats, and a pizza-delivery drone. 

I don't need a drone, I need a slice! But good luck opting out. You click "manage cookies," and it's a 47-page terms-of-service maze designed to make you give up.

Things You'll Never Hear in 2025:

• "I'm unplugging for the weekend."
• "I trust this news article."
• "Wow, that politician's telling the truth!"
• "I love getting spam calls."
• "This app respects my privacy."

The Influencer Invasion

And don't get me started on influencers. Everyone's an influencer now. Your dentist is shilling teeth-whitening strips. Your dog's got a brand deal for organic kibble. These people aren't famous - they're just loud. They're selling you "authenticity" while lip-syncing in front of a ring light. 

"Follow my journey!" Your journey? You went to Starbucks and cried because they spelled your name wrong. And the hashtags! #SelfLove #BossBabe #LivingMyTruth. How about #GetARealJob? I'd rather take advice from a Magic 8-Ball than a 22-year-old with a ring light and a dream.

The Political Circus

Folks, I thought politics was a joke back in my day, by the number of laughs I got, a lot of other people did too. Now its such a joke, people have stopped laughing.

We've had 9 years of two geezers who look like they wandered off the set of a zombie movie, both pretending to represent the goals of America. But let's be real: the America's goals were sold off to the highest bidder decades ago. 

Biden and Trump? They're just the latest clowns in the big top, distracting you while the owners pick your pockets.

The Orange Ringmaster - Trump

Ah, Donald J. Trump - the man who turned the White House into a reality TV set. We let a used car salesman with an extremely limited vocabulary bluff his way into the presidency. "It's gonna be huge! Tremendous! The best!" Yeah, right. His rallies had thousands chanting like it's a cult meeting, while he spouts off about windmills causing cancer. If I were writing bits today, I'd say Trump's the perfect embodiment of American excess: all bluster, no brakes. 

He's not a politician; he's a brand. And brands don't care about truth - they care about ratings. But here's the punchline: people love him because he says the quiet part out loud. In a system full of polished liars, the loudmouth feels authentic. 

The Sleepy Establishment - Biden

Then there's Joe Biden, the career politician who's been in Washington since dinosaurs roamed the earth. The guy's so establishment, he probably has a reserved parking spot at the Capitol. "C'mon, man!" he'd say, fumbling through a speech like he's reading a grocery list upside down. 

Age jokes aside - and trust me, I'd have a field day with two octogenarians racing to the finish line - Biden represents the boring side of the scam. He's the one promising unity while the country's more divided than a pizza at a vegan party. He'd talk about building back better, but from what? The mess his own party helped create? Democrats love to virtue-signal about progress, but it's the same old song: talk about ethnic injustice, and then rubber stamp Big Pharma's plan to sell opium to half of America. Put opium into a cute blue pill, and then its a 'pharmaceutical'. Clever, right?

Biden's like that uncle at Thanksgiving who means well but keeps repeating the same stories. Harmless? Sure. Safe to operate the gas barbeque? Hell, no.

The Real Joke - The System Itself

But forget picking sides - that's what they want you to do. Biden vs. Trump is just the latest episode in the longest-running sitcom on TV: American Politics. 

It's designed to make you think you have a choice, but you don't. You have owners. Big business, lobbyists, the military-industrial complex - they pull the strings, and these two are the puppets. Elections? They're illusions to keep you docile. 

Vote blue or red, it doesn't matter; the game's rigged. Why do you think nothing changes? Wars keep going, inequality skyrockets, and the environment's toast. Meanwhile, you're arguing online about who gaffed harder yesterday.

Trump and Biden are mirrors of America: one side loud and dumb, the other sleepy and status quo. If you vote for them, you're responsible for the mess. Me? I wouldn't vote. That's how you keep your head on straight.

Turn off the news, folks. The real power's in realizing it's all bullshit.

The Endgame

Here's the truth, folks: we're all just hamsters on the wheel that the government and corporations have built for us, running faster and getting nowhere. 

You've got smart fridges that spy on your milk, cars that nag you to buckle up, and watches that tell you you're not walking enough. Meanwhile, the planet's choking, the news is a circus, and you're all too busy arguing to notice. 

So take a deep breath, turn off your phone, and tell the algorithm to shove it. You're not data - you're a human.

At least, I hope you are.

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Disclaimer: Digital Diarrhea: A Rant on the 24/7 Shitshow is a work of original satire inspired by the spirit of sharp-tongued comedy. It is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or derived from the works or estate of George Carlin. Any resemblance to existing works is purely coincidental and intended as homage to the art of irreverent humor.