A guilt trip

Her mind gets loud, it wouldn't quiet itself.

She slides her ticket between the sheets of her passport as the words speak themselves out:

Is he like the rest?

is it going to be another hit down the tracks?

are you going to lose yourself? again? to another man?

you're rushing your way into him, into a man, again?

She gestures her head right and left not wanting to listen nor respond.

She swings her bag down her back and steps inside the plane.

The air was filled in whispers; foreign and native.

Women helping the men get seated and men helping the women to place the luggage overhead.

It is night time. She keeps her shades on and finds her seat. Looks at none, speaks to none.

She prayed she'd have the entire row to herself, and so she did.

As she sat, she was filled in sorrow, unsure to the reasons.

She covered herself and closed her eyes.

She wakes a few minutes before the landing, she unties her braid and opens the adjacent window to the sharp sun.

The pilot spoke in four languages, she was stunned.

The landing was smooth.

Her brain calmed but her ears bled.

She couldn't bare the pain.

She looked around, she looked down.

She breathed heavily, she breathed lightly.

She cried to the sharpness of the pain.

She prayed it would end as the wheels hit the ground.

It is daytime. She amuses herself by watching the people outside until the plane emptied. She walks out.

Neutral to it all, she stood in line through the customs and baggage claim.

It was easy to find her suitcase. She picks it up as her heart begins on beating twicer than its usual speed.

She smiled to all the reunions. No one stood out.

She was nervous and calm, both at the same time.

She knew he was not there yet so she continues outside.

To the country that had filled her heart with loneliness before, with filth, with patience and fearful impatience.

She waits. She looks at every car, she loses count and stops looking at the moment he arrives.

He gets out of the car with apologies, she finds him and looks in his empty, confused and frightened eyes to find herself.

They kiss before getting in the car, out of morals, that's all.

Reality checks in as he drives.

They get nervous by each one's side.

She looks away as he tries to find her.

He looks away as she tries to find him.

He cruises and loses the way.

He arrives to his house where his past lover's car is still outside.

They carry on to their final destination.

At the beach, they meet the host, both trying to keep it together but they both were as awkward as aliens when they first land on earth.

The host shows them the room and leaves. They look at one another, she hides away by going to the bathroom to shower.

Her mind begins conversing, she turns on the water and shuts it off to not make things more awkward.

She loves him, she can feel it, under the cold running water.

He sits on the couch feeling into the love and the paradise.

They spent their days out at the beach.

They swam in the cold ocean, found rocks and shells, one kissing the other at sea.

A cat followed them to the house, they fed it and kept the window open when they left that one night hoping they'll come back to find it theirs.

When they returned, the cat was not there but she had left them a dead lizard by the bedside.

Every night when they sleep, they switch their sides, they never claimed their individual's parts.

It bothered him, he did not want to give in just like that and lose himself.

One night, he strikes out, that day was weird anyway because she was too silent and in her own mind.

He wanted to hear all that goes on there and wanted her to hear his side too.

He lashes out, she gets nervous and loses her words.

They go for a walk, she begins speaking her demons out.

At the moment, she was not sure why would it matter to say such stories now, he wrapped himself to her.

She looks at the stars trying to connect the dots:

Has she asked that he saves her at the time he wanted her to savor his dark side?

One night, they returned to the airport, and there she had dropped him mentally, romantically but not physically.

She went back to his house, he made love to her, she was numb, he showered her with affection, but she had shut down.

Her eyes were dark as a silent deadly night to nights.

She tried to pick it up every time but she had lost her ways. Every time she tried, she would either come off as fake or too rude.

She left his house. And it was all black and white. She thought she'd never see him again, he thought he was only taking some space.

Confusion filled in the days apart. She'd text to re-assure or to re-stable. If he answers, it'd be too vague.

Now, he knows nothing about her, neither does she know anything about him.