Top 10 Sneaky Names Sugar Uses To Hide In Normal Food

Ladies and gentlemen, I am currently Off Sugar (during the holidays. Yikes.) This is harder than I first thought, not because I desperately need my sugar fix (I tapered off the addiction, whole 'nother story), but because sugar, it turns out, is in flipping everything. And is often hiding under sneaky names (that bitch).

And so, my angels, I am publishing a short list of names that sugar hides under, with disguises ranging from “false mustache” to “noooo, this is totally healthy!” to “straight-up Venetian Carnivale-level costume, mwahaha you’ll never know who I am.”

The Many Disguises of Sugar

1. Corn Syrup (or corn sweetener, or corn syrup solids)

This one I feel like people know. Corn syrup is very often used as a substitute for straight sugar, but dude it’s functionally the same thing. Hella sweet, not good for you.

2. Dehydrated cane juice

Sounds innocuous as hell to me. Is not. Is sugar. IT LIES.

3. Fruit juice concentrate

GOD DAMN IT, this one was in my favorite ever sausages that were the best hunger killing snack. I am MIGHTILY displeased. Though to be fair, they were pretty sweet. Bah.

4. Golden syrup

I had no idea what this was until I watched The Great British Baking Show on Netflix. It sounded pretty. Golden syrup! Okay! MORE SUGAR, RUDE (except in the context of the Bakeoff, in which case it is a perfectly acceptable ingredient for heavily-judged treats).

5. Rice Syrup

WHAT, NOW YOU CORRUPT MY RICE? I’m just going to start censoring myself from here on in re: the list, or it would just be profanity intermixed with new sugar terms and caps lock.

6. Maltodextrin

This is a complicated sounding name and pre-going off sugar, I had no idea what it was other than that it was in some of my food. And it’s not necessarily always sweet? But it is a heavily-processed starch that while not always sweet actually has a higher glycemic index than table sugar. According to Healthline, “[i]t’s essentially a sweetener and a carbohydrate with no nutritional value, and it causes an increase in blood sugar.” Feh.

7. Dextrose

Dextrose is ”a simple sugar that is made from corn and is chemically identical to glucose, or blood sugar” (https://www.healthline.com/health/dextrose). So pretty much, it’s sugar masquerading at the Doge’s Palace on the Grand Canal. Lovely. I hope someone steps on your dress.

8. Barley Malt

See, this is rude for two reasons. One, barley sounds healthy. Two, malt sounds like beer. So you’re being snookered in two different ways. I bite my thumb at thee, sir.

9. Galactose

Galactose is another simple sugar, with the same elements as table sugar but has a different arrangement. So now, they’re fooling us with science.

10. Panocha

Okay, so in addition to being a type of coarse sugar made in Mexico, this is also the name of a type of pudding, a type of bread, AND a very inappropriate slang term for female anatomy. But I would never, ever look at that work in an ingredients list and go, “yeah, that definitely sounds like sugar.”

Conclusion: The Deck Is Stacked Against Us

Going sugar-free takes effort, and not just the willpower variety. There is sugar. In. EVERYTHING. Swear to god, I got a rotisserie chicken at the supermarket to take home for lunch, and the feathery bitch contains up to 15% of a flavoring solution that includes brown sugar.

*smacks* *head* *on* *table* WHY. IS. THIS. IN. BIRDS.

But hey, you live and learn. The more of these names you become familiar with (and no, this list is in no way exhaustive), the easier it is to figure out what you can/should eat.

If you are like me, and you enjoy doing the holidays on SUPER EXTRA HARD MODE.

I.e., sugar-free.