The Newcomer's Guide to Cheese

The Newcomers Guide to Cheese - Vol. 1, The Usual Cheese Plate Suspects

We can't all run a little fromagerie in the French countryside, or smoke our own gouda, or wear monks robes as we turn our deliciously moldy wheels of dark, gooey magic in dark, gloomy caves.

But newcomer, the impediment is not that these are physically difficult tasks. Oh no, the layman's impediment to fine cheese exploration is that the layman fears he will mispronounce "Comté" at the olde cheese shoppe and that subsequently the shame will haunt him, ruining the dinner party that the very cheese was for. At said dinner party he will instead make a sign where he might just write the name of the cheese and therefore avoid looking like an asshole in front of Jenny with the pretty eyes and the lip piercing. This is an opportunity missed, as a lousy cheese knowledge is not only repugnant and unattractive, but also grounds for divorce in several European countries.

Thusly, I have endeavored to create this newcomers guide. So that the celebration of cheese may grow and prosper, and so Jenny might give you her number and perhaps bear unto you a new generation of cheese loving denizens of this great globe.

The Usual Cheese Plate Suspects

Cheddar - I fear that if you have no knowledge of this tangy semi-hard staple, you may be a lost cause. Feel free to see yourself out.

Mozzarella - Mozzarella has spent its whole damn life making pizza look good. Just for once it wants to be front and center. Give it a bath in balsamic and fresh herbs to wash off the pizza shame. Then pair it with cherry tomatoes, capers, and crostini if you really want to see it show off. Then, put it back on pizza, cause pizza is life.

Halloumi - a Cypriot semi-hard unripened brined cheese. It's high melting point means you can grill or fry it. Definitely fry it. You're already eating a massive slab of cheese, grilling it won't save you. Fry it. Then whisper "opa!" and eat it all before your guests arrive.

Gouda - Dutch cheese, arguably at its best. This semi-hard cows milk cheese comes in a lot of varieties, but do yourself a favor and try the nagelkaas, flavored with whole cloves running through it. Then do yourself another favor and try the cumin seed gouda, and then the double smoked gouda, and then, just when you think you're out of favors, try the coconut gouda. Trust me.

Havarti - You know, the Danes have done a lot of things wrong (im looking at you, Vikings), but one thing they do so, so right is Havarti. Subtle, like a kinder, gentler Swiss cheese. Good on every sandwich you'll ever make.

Feta - a Greek sheep's milk cheese that makes up 94 percent of all the best salads, but also, in its free time, looks sexy in a bowl of olive oil and herbs on your cheese plate.

Gruyere - It's like Cheddar, but beddar. It's like Cheddar sat in the sun for 2 weeks, then went to the gym and got really jacked, and then bought a tank top and surprisingly looked super hot, and you're not even into guys in sleeveless shirts, but seriously, whoa. And, on top of that, a sultry French accent. Cheddar better keep an eye out for the divorce papers now that Gruyere is on the scene.

Brie - Such a soft cheese it's basically butter after a really hard day. Drinks up any flavour you put with it. A versatile son of a bitch, too. Serve hot or cold on/with any "dippin' carb".

Laughing cow/Babybel - I mean, just buy them, they're so cute in their little waxes and wedges, plus, the uneaten ones can go back in the fridge with no fear that Don from accounting (who definitely took a huge crap in your guest bathroom) maybe didn't wash his hands, and then, when he spent that inordinate amount of time perusing the cheese offerings, spread his fecal matter all over the whole plate and now you're EATING HIS POOP. I'm not saying that happened, but it could have.

Honorable cheese plate mentions for entertaining people you hate.

Limburger - Originating in the Duchy of Limburg in the 19th century, Limburger is not for the faint of heart. A semi-soft, super-stink varietal. It smells like your grandpa's feet after a day of yard work. It tastes like a rotten egg bomb that you know is going to give you the worst farts, but for some reason, you just keep eating it. I know that it gives the worst farts because my dad used to eat it on pumpernickel bread and the ensuing emissions would create such a stench on the entire top floor of our home that we would not be able to sleep. Literally.

Cream cheese - Best eaten with a spoon after a break up, but would also really confuse your guests if you just offered them a plate of cream cheese. They'd probably get into it though. They'd probably start talking excessivly about minimalism, food in it's purest firm, craft beer, and pour over coffee. That's when you know that the cream cheese has failed and it's settled...you have to kill them.

..And then kill yourself, because you ARE them and you secretly loved that conversation and you'll never live with the guilt of murder.

The Blues - Roquefort, gorgonzola, Shropshire blue, stilton, Castello. They're all so good. So. Good. But, most people hate them. Well, if they hate blue cheese, you hate them.

So there, fair reader, is just the first movement of an ever expanding symphony of cheeses. In Volume 2 we will explore the second tier of fine cheese, "Lesser known cheeses, the knowledge of which will make you look cultured at that work thing next weekend". Vive le fromage!