Recipes from the heart

Once upon a time, I tried to cook. I still do occasionally. But for some crazy reason, it doesn't usually work.

There are several examples of this.

Here are some recipes I tried. (These terrifying experiences happened to me anywhere from ten years old to... literally two days ago.)

Recipe 1: Mashed Potatoes (feeds about 10!)

What should have happened:

Boil 7 lbs. of peeled and diced potatoes in water until tender. Mash potatoes with fork or mixer. Add butter, salt, and pepper to taste. Enjoy!

What actually happened:

Boil water. Dump in peeled and diced potatoes and stir for twenty minutes until almost completely dissolved. Quickly realize that most of the potatoes are gone and dump the remaining potatoes (plus the foggy, white water) into a colander. Cry. Perk yourself with a quick prayer and inner pep talk, then mash remaining potatoes, adding butter, salt, and pepper to taste. Try to feed nine people with three cups of mashed potatoes. Never live it down. Enjoy!

Recipe 2: Mexican Scramble (feeds about 10!)

What should have happened:

Cook 3 chopped bell peppers in a skillet over medium heat until browned. Add in about 1 pound of cured pork sausage. While the meat cooks, whisk together 20 eggs in a medium mixing bowl. Add in milk, salt, and pepper to taste. When the meat is brown, pour the egg mixture over it. Cook peppers, sausage, and eggs together until eggs are cooked through. Serve and enjoy!

What actually happened:

Everything above. To the letter. Your little brother will point out that it tastes like soap, but other than that, no one can find anything wrong with it. Next, remove the meat package from the trash can on a hunch. With a dreadful feeling in the pit of your stomach, you suddenly understand why the Mexican Scramble didn't taste Mexican. You didn't use sausage. You used ground pork. Congratulations.

Recipe 3: Zucchini Basil Chicken Hash (feeds about 10!)

What should have happened:

Melt coconut oil over medium heat in a large skillet. Add in 1 c. of red onions, 2 tbsp. of green onions, and 1 tbsp. of minced garlic. Cook until brown (about a minute). Add 6 diced medium zucchini, cook until brown (about 4 or 5 minutes.). Add 5 lbs. of diced chicken thighs, 4 tsp. of dried chopped oregano, and 4 tsp. of salt. Cook until chicken is brown (about 10 minutes). Add 8 tbsp. of balsamic vinegar and 2 tsp. of basil paste. Reduce heat, let simmer, and serve. Enjoy!

What actually happened:

Melt oil over medium heat. Add in 1 c. red onions, 2 tbsp. green onions, and 8 tbsp. minced garlic. Cook until brown. Realize that you misread the recipe big time and remove most of the minced garlic, along with a lot of the onions. Quickly add some frozen onions. Don't give the onions enough time to cook and dump in the zucchini. Let cook. Add the chicken thighs, 8 tsp. dried chopped oregano, and 8 tsp salt. Again, realize that you misread the recipe big time. Run, panicking, to Mom. Take her advice and chop up a raw potato. Add the potato to the skillet, hoping against hope that it will soak up some of the salt. While chicken is cooking, passionately bang together dishes as you clean up from your mess. When chicken is brown, remove potato pieces and add 8 tbsp. of balsamic vinegar and 2 tsp. of basil paste. Be relieved that you didn't read that part of the recipe wrong. Reduce heat, let simmer, and serve. Listen with bright red cheeks to your family (and the guest) comment on how uncharacteristically flavorful this meal is. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: These are recipes which I personally tried and failed to make. If you want to try these awesome foods, please use the first examples given, not the second. Blessings!

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