Quick and Easy Chocolate Butterscotch Fudge

What is this look? Why are you looking at me like that? Go get dressed and eat your breakfast, you have to be at school in an hour.

Your class is having bake sale today? Okay, I’ll stop in after school and buy some muffins. What are y’all raising money for?

Library books? That’s a great cause, I’ll bring a twenty. Go get dressed.

What do you mean you said you’d bring apple cobbler? When exactly did you tell your teacher you were going to bring apple cobbler to this bake sale?

Last month?!

Sweetie, we don’t have time to make apple cobbler before school.

No I cannot make some and bring it in later. I'm working today.

I know you promised. That’s something that would have been nice to know at any point before this morning. We don’t even have apples in the house, hun.

Don’t panic, don’t panic. We’re problem solvers up in here, right? You aren’t getting cobbler, but you know what? We’re making fudge.

Yes sweetie, I know fudge isn’t a baked good, but it’s what you’re gonna get.

Mrs. Felton isn’t going to be mad at you, okay. She’s got kids too. You don’t even need to say anything—I’ll make eye contact with her from across the parking lot, and she’ll know, okay? Now open this bag of butterscotch chips and put 'em in the Pyrex bowl.

I know we usually do it over the stove, but that’s when we’ve got more than an hour.

There you go, dump ‘em all in the bowl, and put 'em in the microwave. Start with a minute, then go get dressed.

Well if you haven’t brushed your teeth yet, start with that.

Check on those butterscotch chips. I know they’re not melted yet, you need to stir them and then put them back in the microwave, but only for 30 seconds this time. Keep checking and stirring until they get all melty, then add the whole bag of chocolate chips and keep going.

We don’t use measuring cups for this recipe. The whole thing, that’s our unit of measurement.

All melted? Lovely, now we’re gonna pour in this can of sweetened condensed milk.

Yes, the whole can. I told you, our measuring unit for this recipe is the whole thing. Pour and stir, hurry up we need to get this cooled, and you still need breakfast.

Okay, now we’re gonna pour the fudge out on this baking sheet so it can cool. Use the spatula to smooth it out, alright. We want it to be kinda thin because it needs to cool fast. Like half an inch?

No, don’t get a ruler, you don’t need a ruler. Like your pinky finger. Yeah, right there, that’s perfect, put it in the freezer.

I know we usually put it in the fridge, but the freezer will cool it down faster. Now go get dressed.

Yes, it will be done in time, stop worrying and eat your breakfast. I’ll get a Tupperware for the fudge.

I’m telling you, Mrs. Felton is not going to care if it’s not a baked good. Besides, it’s gluten-free. How much gluten-free stuff you think the other kids are bringing in to a bake sale?

Okay, is it cool enough to stick a knife in? Perfect, let’s get this wonderful and perfectly acceptable bake sale item divvied up and in the Tupperware.

The knife’s sticking? Like the fudge is melted sticking, or just it’s sticky?

Okay run it under some hot water, that’ll make it cut easier.

Yes, the knife. Not the fudge. Don’t run fudge under hot water, I raised you better than that. I’m gonna put some wax paper between the layers in the Tupperware so it doesn’t stick together on your way to school.

Perfect, put it in your backpack, we gotta go.

Hey, hey, keeping breathing. We did it. Everything is fine.

You did great, sweetie. Way to roll with it.

You have a great day. I’ll see you this afternoon at the bake sale.

Yes, I did the eye contact thing. She knows.

I love you, too sweetie.

Buh-bye.