Pizza pies and other lies

You are not going to believe what I just found out.

The world as I knew it has been reduced to a mire of uncertainty and chaos of matrix like proportion, where nothing is like it seems. My confidence in the predictability of the world around me has been shaken and the very foundation of my existence has been brought into question.

I will share this with you, if you’re willing to take the red pill, enter the rabbit hole, and begin to challenge your ideas of reality.

Read on, but only if you dare.

I discovered … that the Hawaiian pizza - the corner stone of the surfers’ culture, beloved go-to of kids’ lunchrooms around the world and must have party favourite - was invented by a Canadian!!

I know! I was shocked too, but wait, it gets worse.

It’s not called Hawaiian due to a need to play homage to the pineapple plantations and tropical climate of that mecca to sun and surf. No, it’s called a Hawaiian pizza because the brand of pineapple this culinary pioneer used was … “Hawaiian”. That’s right. That controversial and divisive abomination of fruit and pizza is named after a brand of pineapple. One might wonder how close we came to having “Del Monte” pizza, “Golden Circle” pizza or even “Dole” pizza. Can you imagine ordering a dole pizza?

Mr Panopoulos, a Greek Canadian pizza shop owner, was experimenting with new flavour combinations to add to his menu, so, he went to his pantry and grabbed … a can of pineapple. I wonder what other options his hand hovered over before he made his fateful choice. Did he debate the relative merits of green beans and beetroot? Is there an alternate universe where they have baked bean pizzas? Personally, I think any form of cooked fruit is a crime against humanity, but I would happily take pineapple on a pizza over peaches, pears or apples.

“So what?”, you say. “Big deal. I don’t even like pizza.”

Well, fine!! If that isn’t enough to shock and awe you then what about this; pasta ISN’T an Italian invention. Its not. Sure, the Italians came up with the idea of using wheat instead of rice, but the Chinese invented the noodle. Some Italian saw the noodles and thought, “Cool. I can work with that.” (And, no, it wasn’t Marco Polo! They had pasta - or what would pass for it - in Italy before Marco went off galivanting around Asia.)

“Pft,” you mock, “everyone knowns that.”

Ok. So how about this?

Danish pastries aren’t Danish. Nope! They’re from Austria, not Denmark! And the beloved Australian pavlova, icon of my youth and guaranteed to be rolled out at any fancy Aussie shin dig you ever attend … is actually from New Zealand. (That one really gets me right in the heart.)

So, you’re still not impressed? Well you asked for it, I know exactly what to tell you next that is guaranteed to rock your culinary boat.

I discovered, that that diet staple of time poor families all over the world - and the foundation of a couple of multi-billion-dollar American fast-food empires (which will remain nameless) - the all-American Hamburger … isn’t actually American! Sorry folks, but hamburgers were invented in Germany, in – surprise, surprise – Hamburg.

Like I said, you asked for it.

I have one final revelation that will really upset the neighbours, the one that will forever mess with your appreciation of thanksgiving dinners and visits home on cold winter nights. I am truly sorry to say that nothing really is “as American as apple pie” because … well … apple pies were invented in England.

It’s OK, I’ve heard that therapy may help. What may also help is to think of it another way. Claiming the apple pie from the English is the ultimate snub by the Americans to their previous suppressors, and a constant reminder of what America stands for: freedom, justice and the ability to take the humdrum, everyday inventions of others and make them truly awesome.