Wounded Womb

As a child, I've always dreamed of having a family but at 12 my family was torn apart at the age of 12. One day my parents told me and my siblings they were divorcing and the next day my mom was gone. It was time for her to spread her wings and live her life.

My mother was the rhythm to my heartbeat and without her presence within the walls of our home; there was no need for me to abide by the rules. I became rebellious, promiscuous, going from the golden child to the trouble child.

I lost my virginity at 13, started an abusive relationship at 14 with a 21 year old, I started to run away from home and I didn't have a care in the world. In August of 2000 I found out I was pregnant and I hid it from dad until I woke up in a pool of blood one morning. I snuck my then, 21 year old boyfriend out of the house and took a bath to rid myself of the blood. I took a nap afterwards and woke up in excruciating pain. I immediately called out to my dad and he couldn't understand why I was in the state I was in. I refused the emergency room and just blamed it on eating the wrong thing. My grandmother was staying with us at the time and she knew exactly what was happening. " Were you pregnant baby" my grandmother asked as her voice crackles. I simply replied no as the tears ran down my eyes.

My mother showed up to check in on me, have me some soup, rubbed my head and told me I'll be alright. Like magic she disappeared again and the want for her presence returned.

Two weeks later I was right back at it, spreading my legs for the grown man I sneaking around with, inviting strange men to experience my youth from within. Now fast forward to 21 years old. I found myself pregnant again, this was a pregnancy I didn't want. I was well done with the grown man and dealing with a man whose name is still tattooed on my rear end to this very day. He told me if I was to keep the baby I would lose him as a friend. Those words caused me to begin a love for the unborn child I carrying.

One morning I woke up to the same nightmare I experience 7 years before. Blood, pain, regret and anger filled my heart as I couldn't understand why my body wouldn't allow me to bring life into this world.

Long story short, I'm 33 now, I've had 5 miscarriages, no live births, fibroids have taken over my womb and I pretend as if I don't want to children to avoid facing the truth.

My mother was adulterous, she had an abortion with a child that was not my father's and I feel as if I've been chosen to carry her sins. I will never experience a house full of laughter from children, I will never know the joys of child birth, I will never experience children of my own but I've grown to live with that truth.

My womb is wounded but not my spirit because I know there are children out there who need mothers and I'm a woman who wants a child so one day our paths will cross. I can't wait until that day.

~ Tiffany Berry