When Real Love feels to Much: Learning to Receive After Being Conditioned by Pain

There was a time in my life when I believed that love meant surviving. I thought love was something that you had to earn by being quiet enough, Pleasing enough, useful enough. I thought love was accepting whatever was given, even when it hurt, as long as it meant you weren't alone.

I didn't realize how deep that believe ran until something simple happened. I was heading to the airport. It was short notice_ a last minute trip and I had just mentioned it to one of my cousins in passing. She lived far from me. There was traffic, honestly I expected a quick " safe flight" over the phone and nothing more.

But instead she said:

"I'm coming to say good bye".

I paused , confused. "you don't have too really", I said. But she was already on her way. When she showed up_out of breath, smiling, present_something shifted in me. Her kindness felt overwhelming. And in that moment I didn't feel loved . I felt undeserving.

That when I realized that I had forgotten how to receive love. Real love.

Years before, I had lived with extended family who reminded me daily that I wasn't wanted. Constant criticism, emotional distance, cold silences_ they were subtle, but loud enough to shape my sense of worth. Overtime, I internalized a message: Love is earned , not freely given. And maybe I'm not worth very much.

So later, When friends and partners tried to show me kindness, I froze. I didn't trust it. I downplayed it. I questioned their motives, I acted cold_ not because I didn't care, but because I didn't no how to receive warmth any more.

Genuine love felt suspicious. Toxic love felt familiar.

Psychologists call this emotional conditioning_ when the brain adapts to what it used to, even if it's harmful. According to research; people who have experienced consistent emotional neglect or criticism can struggle to recognize and accept health love. Not because they're broken _ but because their nervous systems have been rewired for survival, not connection.

I think that's what happened to me.

But that small goodbye_ that unexpected act of care cracked something open. It reminded that love isn't supposed to feel like suffering. That being care for isn't a trap. And that I don't need to apologize for being loved.

since then, I've been learning, slowly. Through small acts: accepting compliments without deflecting, letting friends help without guilt , sitting with affection without pushing it away. Healing doesn't come all at once, but every soft moment is part of the process.

sometimes, we underestimate how deeply our past shapes the way we receive love today. You might find yourself pulling away from someone kind, doubting their intentions, or feeling the urge to repay every act of care. That's not because you're ungrateful_ it because your heart has learned to protect itself. But protection isn't the same as healing. Healing asks you to stay open, even when it feels unfamiliar. It asks you to believe, tittle by little, that love doesn't always have to come with pride.

It takes time to unlearn, what pain taught you. But healing starts from in these everyday interactions_ in hugs you don't flinch from, in kindness you allow, in silence you don't no longer fill with self-doubt.

So if you ever felt like love is to much,may be this is your sign:

You're not to damaged to be loved. You were just taught the wrong definition.

And it's okay to rewrite it now.

Let real love in.

You deserve it. You always did.

Words by Solange