Behind the smile:Living with a narcissist who charms the world but destroys you

There's a particular kind of pain that goes unseen_the kind that wears a mask in public but leaves bruises in private. Narcissist abuse is one of the most invisible forms of emotional violence, not because it's rare, but because the person causing ham is often the most admired in the room.

The term "narcissist" is often misunderstood. In french, we call them pervers narcissiques. These are people who manipulate, gaslight, and control, all while keeping a spotless public image. They are charming, attractive ,and seemingly generous_until you're behind closed doors. Then, the mask drops and you see cruelty that the world refuses to believe.

I know this because I lived it.

When I was young, I lived with members of my extended family. Outwardly, they were seen as kind, supportive people. Everyone who met them praised their warmth and grace. But at home, it was another story. I was constantly criticized,diminished, made to feel like nothing. Not a single day passed without harsh words, mockery, or manipulation. And yet when guests arrived or when we were in public, they would treat me with false kindness_smile, praising me, pretending to be proud of me.

It was psychological torment. How could I explain to anyone what I was experiencing when no one could see it? Even I began to doubt my reality.

I remember my first year at the university, I finally at the freedom to talk, to try to release the weight I had been carring for years. I opened up to a friend, hoping to find some comfort. I told her about how I was treated at home_how it felt like emotional warfare.

She looked at me, confused. "But that person"? "She said",I met her. she was lovely!! Are you sure you're not exaggerating?"

That response crushed me. I realized how dangerous a narcissist image can be. Because they are so well represented_so attractive, so articulate, and respected_no one questions them. And if you, the victim , try to speak up, you risk being seen as bitter or unstable.

One of the hardest truths that I had to accept is: narcissists don't abuse everyone_just their chosen victims. To the rest of the world, they may seem angelic. But to you they are a nightmare you can not wake up from. That's what makes healing so difficult. You're not just recovering from emotional abuse_you're recovering from not being believed.

Another disturbing truth is that narcissists are often physically attractive. Their looks, their presence,and their charm make it even harder for others to believe that you could be toxic. They smile at everyone_everyone ,but not you. Their compliment others but never you. And even when they're nice it's conditional, a tactic to control , or confuse you. One minute they're praising you; the next, they're tearing you apart.

Living with this condition damages your self-esteem. You begin to question whether you're the problem. You might ask yourself: why do I always feel bad when I am around them? The answer is because they thrive on control, and they make you feel small so they can feel big.

The research on toxic relationships shows that the victims of narcissist abuse often suffer from anxiety, depression, confusion, and even physical symptoms caused by chronic emotion stress. The abuse it's always aloud_it's subtle,manipulative, and slow. And the longer you stay, the harder it is to recognize yourself.

So what someone can do when they find themselves trapped in a relationship like this whether it's family, romantic, or professional?

• First, name it. Acknowledge the patterns. Stop making excuses for their behaviors. Trust your gut.
• Second, seek support_not from people who know the narcissist(they may be fooled too), but from safe,neutral space like therapy, support groups,or online communities where emotional abused is understood.
• Third, set boundaries. Narcissists hate boundaries but you need them to reclaim your peace. That means reducing contact or going "no contact" if necessary.
• Fourth, rebuilt your identity, start small_ rediscover what you love, what brings you joy, what gives you peace. Journaling, art, prayer, or simply resting without guilt are powerful ways to reconnect with yourself.

Healing from a narcissist abuse is not linear. Some days you'll feel strong. others broken and even full of anger. But please remember: you're not crazy ,and you're not alone.

Just because someone is admired by the world doesn't means they're kind in private. And jut because no one else sees the abuse doesn't means it's not real.

You deserve more than survival. You deserve healing, freedom, and love that doesn't come with conditions.

And if know one else has told you this before_I believe you.

Words by Solange