What Almost Was

Every year as December arrives, Thyra finds herself filled with a mix of anxiety, fear... and gratitude. While the winter chill brings the typical stress of the holidays to people all over the world, this month hits differently for her. She is haunted by memories of the worse day of her life... which also was one of the best days of her life. It changed her world as she knew it and made her realize one thing - tomorrow is never promised, so be grateful for every single day.

It was a brisk December day, Thyra, her husband Ray, and their daughter Aurora, were home for the night after a day out shopping and braving the holiday crowds. Nothing was different about this day. They spent way too much on gifts, as they did every year, because they "knew" they would be able to catch back up after the New Year on any bills they had held off on paying. It was Christmastime after all, and gifts were a part of that, even if it means some bills are late being paid.

As the evening arrived, the family was settled in for the night. Thyra and Ray headed off to bed and drifted off to sleep. A couple of hours later, she awoke to the sound of Ray groaning. She looked over and saw him sitting on the edge of the bed, as she sat up to check on him.

"Babe? Are you okay?"

"Yeah... I think I pulled a muscle or something bringing all the bags inside earlier... I'm just having some pain. I'm going to go take a shower, see if the hot water helps."

"Okay, just be more careful next time, Babe. I told you that you were overdoing it trying to carry everything inside in one trip. You're almost 40 now, our bodies aren't as young as they used to be... we break easier!"

"Don't remind me..."

Thyra laid back down as Ray headed into the bathroom to take a hot shower to see if it would help the pain. Thirty minutes passed, Thyra was still awake because she had this feeling in the gut of her stomach that something wasn't right. Ray came back into the bedroom, this time he was struggling to catch his breathe and clutching his chest.

"Babe? Seriously, are you okay??"

"I... It's hard to breath... This might not be a pulled... muscle..."

"Should I call 911??"

"Yeah.... I think so..."

With that, Ray collapsed into a seated position on the bed, his hand grabbing against his chest over his heart. Thyra could see the fear in his eyes as she grabbed her cell phone and dialed 911. It only took about five minutes for the ambulance to arrive, the commotion woke Aurora up.

"Mom? What's going on?? Is Daddy okay??"

"He's pulled a muscle or something, Babygirl, it's okay... I'm sure it's fine..."

Thyra tried her best to reassure Aurora that her father would be fine... perhaps trying to convince herself of that as well as she watched the EMTs tend to her husband.

"Sir... Sir... you are just having a panic attack. You need to just take a slow, deep breath, okay?"

"I... I am... trying... it... it's hard to... breath..."

"Sir, listen, you NEED to breath and calm down, it's just a panic attack, just try to breath slow"

"I... can't... hard to... breath..."

"Okay, Sir... look, we can take you to the ER in the ambulance, if you're sure that you want to do that for a panic attack? You will have to walk to the ambulance yourself though, because we can't carry you down the steps."

"Okay..."

Thyra was confused because Ray had never had a panic attack before in his life. That was her vice, not his. She followed the EMTs and Ray down the stairs, locking the door behind her, with Aurora following as they made way to the ambulance. Thyra and Aurora waited outside of the ambulance as the EMTs were inside with Ray, they were saying that their EKG was malfunctioning. It was thirty minutes from their arrival before they finally began to drive Ray to the hospital. Thyra and Aurora followed in the their car. Thyra continued to try to reassure her daughter and herself, making mention that the ambulance wasn't even using their lights, so Ray must really just be having a panic attack and nothing more.

Thyra and Aurora arrived at the ER and walked inside, as they told the receptionist they were there for Ray, who was just brought in via the ambulance. They were quickly taken to the back room and escorted towards the room Ray was in. As they got near the room, the receptionist called out to the doctor standing in the hall telling her "his family is here." Thyra held onto Aurora's hand as they walked towards the doctor, who was also walking towards them.

"Hi, are you Ray's wife and daughter?"

"Yes, we are. How is he? They said it was a panic attack."

"Your husband is having a heart attack."

"What?? No... they said... no... they said it was a panic attack..."

"I'm so sorry. I know this is difficult but we are sure... he is having a massive heart attack and unfortunately, we are not able to treat him here."

"I don't... I don't understand... he's only 39...."

"He is very young but it does happen in people his age too. The ambulance is going to have to drive him to the hospital about fifty miles away. They are equipped to care for him... We tried to get the helicopter but they won't fly in this weather."

Thyra tried to stay strong, holding in the tears as she felt Aurora squeezing her hand tightly as fear gripped her young heart. They walked into the hospital room and sat with Ray until the EMTs came to load him back up as they left to drive him to the bigger hospital an hour away. Thyra and Aurora got into their car as they made the fearful trip. The snow was falling and there was a thick fog over the area that night. Thyra couldn't see anything as she struggled to stay on the road, desperate to make it to the hospital and hoping that the ambulance made it safe ahead of her.

After the most stressful drive of her life, Thyra and Aurora pulled up to the hospital and headed inside. They were directed to the cardio wing and told to have a seat and wait. Ray was in surgery and the doctor would be out to update them as soon as they could. Thyra's mind was racing with questions over if she would find herself a widow for Christmas and how she would handle life without her partner, her soulmate. She knew heart attacks ran in his family, but she never thought it would happen to him. Not this young. Not this time of year. After what felt like days, Thyra and Aurora saw a doctor come out of the big doors as they gripped hands tightly, Thyra held her breath. Time stood still in that moment for her as her life with Ray flashed through her head, every moment, every kiss, every Christmas.

"Hi, you're Ray's family?"

"Yes... I'm his wife... this is his daughter... is he... is he okay??"

"Your husband had a massive heart attack and it did a lot of damage because of the time it took to get him here and get it cared for. But, he's going to be just fine. We found the blockage and put two stints in, and he's being moved into a room now. You'll be able to see him shortly. He got very, very lucky. These kinds of heart attacks usually go the other way."

Thyra hugged the doctor then hugged Aurora as tightly as she could while crying into her arms. They were brought to Ray's room where they held his hands as he began to wake up from the anesthesia. In that moment, Thyra knew how blessed she had been, as she was given another Christmas with Ray. She realized how close they were to losing him... how close she was to forever associating this time of year with the loss of her husband.

It's been nine years since that fateful day and while she gets overwhelmed by fear still each time the bitter cold of December hits, she always reminds herself not to focus on what almost was. Instead, she is grateful for the nine Christmas' her and Aurora have shared with Ray since that day. She is grateful he was home when it happened and not at work where he likely would have been all alone and unable to get help in time. She is grateful for every day that he's been given since that day. It was the best Christmas present she could have been given that year, and each year since.