Fleeing Home - Again...

Today I am not going to lie about or sugarcoat how I am doing. I am doing terribly.

My children and I ended up fleeing our home last night. Again. Because of a man who decided to tell me that I had no other option than that he was going to be accessing my property.

I told him no.

Did it matter? Nope. He decided that he was the only one who would be allowed to decide how and when to return a medically necessary item that should have been returned with our child.

All of the memories came flooding back in...

"You'll be lucky if you ever see the kids again."

"How do you think you'll call the cops for help? What exactly do you think they will do? Who do you think they'll believe?"

"I can come in your house if I want to. You can't stop me."

"You think that changing the locks will keep me out?" *with laughter*

"You have to tell me what your plans are with our children - medical, educational, and religious - because it says so in our court order, but you think that I have to share such things with you? Seriously?"

All of these quotes are potentially paraphrased or simplified - just for the record.

Now - I had let this man know that I needed him to return a medically needed item at about 4:45pm - before he picked up our children - and again at about 5:05pm - after he picked up our children.

After getting our children returned and situated, I realized that it was (hopefully) forgotten. I told him that I needed it returned while I had assistance to collect it. He said that no, it wasn't his responsibility to read my communication on the needs of our children and therefore, wasn't his problem for missing the need. I could wait until he delivered it directly onto my property in the morning.

I tried communicating regarding the potentiality of me having plans. I tried sharing that I had help to aid in reducing our in person interactions if he was willing to bring our son's prescription. I even clearly said that I did not give him permission to access my property.

My logic failed to sway his decision that I was not allowed to have a boundary regarding my property or my parenting time. My appeal to his emotions failed. This was effectively his way of punishing me for daring to communicate about our children's needs getting provided for... as he stated (paraphrased): "This is why you shouldn't send me so much information."

How dare I share information with him regarding our children? Oh, I don't know... because we are both supposed to be acting in their best interests? At least, that is what our court order claims...

If I don't answer his questions, then I am not following our court order. If I don't follow up with safety questions and concerns, he claims to not remember ever hearing about them. If I don't magically read his mind, I get told how horrible I am for not preparing our children for his plans adequately.

But, it does not go both ways. It allows him to have access to me. On his demand. While I get my legitimate questions ignored, avoided, and refused. I ask for mediation and follow the steps outlined in our court order to the best of my ability, only for him to refuse to use his attorney for mediation (by refusing to pay him) and for him to "lose" the list of mediators that I had sent to him and to his attorney.

How am I supposed to get equity when dealing with a man who is (in my opinion) more interested in keeping me in survival mode and under his control, than simply moving on with his life?

My curiosity question: why is he so upset over losing physical access to me?

He doesn't want to see me, but verbally demands that I speak to him only to then tell me that I am breaking the court order if I even breathe the word no?

He doesn't want to interact with me, but tells our kids that I am lazy since I don't bring them to drop off?

He doesn't want to interact with me, but refuses to compromise on a neutral third party for exchanges?

He doesn't want access to my property, but then informs me that that is exactly what he is going to do - regardless of me saying no?

My autism wants to know why... I want to understand because his words and his actions are not lining up. The incongruence is upsetting to me... and perhaps it is that simple... he knows that it upsets me, he wants to "prove" that I am unstable (per his claims in recent court documents), and he wants his way - no matter the cost.

But, the reality is that I may never understand something that is so foreign to my brain. He wants to control my future life because he despises that he agreed to follow rules in our court order? I mean, he always hated rules and enjoyed finding ways around them...

But, how is knowingly traumatizing the primary caregiver of your children, by informing them through your actions that they cannot tell you not to access their property, in the best interests of your children?

I guess this is my "punishment" for daring to speak up against abusive behaviors? But - again - harming the individual caring for your children... is in their best interests? How?

Let me reframe it: I must be doing a good job of enforcing boundaries by his behavior getting worse. Controlling individuals never like it when they start losing control.

Please note: the need for the rules to be known and followed for my autistic brain has been twisted (in the past) as "proof" that I need control, however, this has been proven false - I simply need stability, consistency, and accountability with time to adjust to changes. I do not feel the need to control anyone, nor do I wish to as I know how horrible that feels. I just really wish that other individuals would respect the rules (especially when they agreed to the rules) so that it wasn't so one-sided...