We turn inwards

Where do we turn when the old waves of our life are forcefully coming down on us uninvited with such a blunt force that we get swept off our feet and around us the flood is pouring down touching everything in its way and the scent and colors of old self are printed in every drop, staining even more our day to day lives. When this happened to me and is still draining the life out on me I shouldn't be so surprised that the old me is coming to the surface...All the ugly, messy, and hard to understand me raised much above the good, beautiful nice me. It always finds its way if the ugly gets repeated and never gets healed and dealt with. Even more from the beginning of this year in my conversations with God, or Creator you name it I repeatedly asked to be made and turn into something new and if insisted upon it trust me something new began to take place and form.Why this now, why something new ...Well to be honest the old me was not working anymore in anyone's favor and was just constantly adding more dirt and hurt anywhere was going and touching. Never blinked when the hatred, jealousy, envy, and greed were ruling me like I was a constant damaging machine that will get all of this in every direction. And trust me no one was spared by it. It was the only way I knew to function in life by pointing in every direction when things went wrong and always seeking gratification for every little or big favor I was doing . People that got the worst of me are the ones that loved me unconditionally, I was for sure traping them in emotional turmoil and if they didn't act accordingly I will reward them with the ultimate betrayal, but in the end, we breake ourselves and loneliness get cozy in our souls because we only learn the hard way what right and wrong. Being born a narcissist at its best person never helps either. A narcissist will get the attention so craved after in a way or another, at some point it wouldn't even matter if the attention created around us is negative or positive, the bigger impact the better no matter how to us. But to the people around us that get to see the pattern we implant matters and they start to protect themself from this everlasting behavior we give them every day and it always gets broken by reality. Broken and damaged by my own doing I'm sitting numb moved by the day to day life that pushes me along with the tides, the attention I wanted now is reflected on every bad aspect and bad deed and is piercing through my soul like is meant to leave me crushed forever and for some, this is called sweet revenge but who can blame them, they reflect every action and expectation of myself. Probably will leave me wandering forever how I got so oblivious in hurting others and trying to fix some of the damage. But those living souls just got the bad taste of my sad self and carried on ..so we turn INWARDS..to start the fixing !!

There it is the void that I was avoiding all this time, the void crying for attention since I know myself, the attention of others that in exchange for it I gave myself completely, the tribute for my shallow high was me all along... I'm forced now to leave behind the old self and grab the new I asked for since the beginning of this year..and is empty as it should and is brand new but scary, is this small place that has no space for ugly past, but a narrow path waiting for the baby steps to set the ground for a mature self, honoring the gift of this new that it came and asks for better days and hope. Hope for the ones around me that still are standing by my side no matter what or they stay around bounded by the two amazing children I got to raise and love. Obviously, I'm still in the transitway as the shame and the tears I shed are still shaping the days I count as a reminder to never again fall into the bad old days and ways...You must now think...wow..who she murdered or left broken forever. Well the worst weapon ever used against someone is ignorance, cuts through everyone especially loved ones that got to see parts of me so heinous and hidden that left them speechless for a long time.

My story that always won some fans and at its best some pitty here and there starts with the beginnings of me as a small child, the second daughter to my parents. The first memories truly are the bad ones of constant severe abuse towards my mother where my father was framed in my mind as the bad guy that ruins everything around him. The memories of them caring for us and keeping us afloat in the poverty and alcohol abuse that haunted me since then were erased as the survival instinct got deep roots in my brain for an ever unsettled and ready to react mode. And is scary and is brutal because being rejected constantly by my father on top of all the above created a little monster scratching the surface to get seen and loved filled with narcissistic illusions created to protect me from the hard reality. Worse got ahead of me when we lost my dad to suicide and the loss created this version of me that restless I was seeking the attention never given enough and the rejection that was the only feeling known to me that I associated it and confused it with love. Taken my past and combined with my looks of a frail and broken creature I was for sure getting the rejection that feed me but drained me at the same time ..so yeah..never happy never content and never enough for myself so the rest got just that vibe around me always looking for validation and pity. An easy pray for other broken ones that somehow we get to feel and smell the fear and craving of rejection, the result is carnage for the soul filled with more emptiness that will bounce back the same treatment. I always wondered why my sister got an easier way in her life and I think she just didn't have a choice but to numb herself better as she always was in the front line separating our parents from the next fatal fight. We both somehow learned from an early age to cover it all up and put a smile to it hiding the pain away from the laughing eyes in our community. All of this should get me ready for life taking its course and learning from it all but instead, I use it as an excuse from not getting good at anything and blaming my past for everything not working in my life but let's be honest everyone got a bad time somehow and we just need to move along with the tide, but I got tangled in the old pattern that loved drama and if not there I created it for everyone so yeah...At 32 -years -old the cycle ended and I was getting back what I gave all this time learning the toughest lessons of my life while trying to hold myself together from the crumbling effect that is shaping me now ...into something new putting down just the right words for the right reason and the right people..No more excuses, no more blaming others paths and ways and my dad gets the decent closure and forgiveness for his death and my mother gets to heal herself without me opening old wounds just for pleasure and trust me I'm limping and I stumble on my own insecurities but is worth it and no one gets dragged on this journey ....to be continued