Viorela Cilean

We turn inwards

Where do we turn when the old waves of our life are forcefully coming down on us uninvited with such a blunt force that we get swept off our feet and around us the flood is pouring down touching everything in its way and the scent and colors of old self are printed in every drop, staining even more our day to day lives. When this happened to me and is still draining the life out on me I shouldn't be so surprised that the old me is coming to the surface...All the ugly, messy, and hard to understand me raised much above the good, beautiful nice me. It always finds its way if the ugly gets repeated and never gets healed and dealt with. Even more from the beginning of this year in my conversations with God, or Creator you name it I repeatedly asked to be made and turn into something new and if insisted upon it trust me something new began to take place and form.Why this now, why something new ...Well to be honest the old me was not working anymore in anyone's favor and was just constantly adding more dirt and hurt anywhere was going and touching. Never blinked when the hatred, jealousy, envy, and greed were ruling me like I was a constant damaging machine that will get all of this in every direction. And trust me no one was spared by it. It was the only way I knew to function in life by pointing in every direction when things went wrong and always seeking gratification for every little or big favor I was doing . People that got the worst of me are the ones that loved me unconditionally, I was for sure traping them in emotional turmoil and if they didn't act accordingly I will reward them with the ultimate betrayal, but in the end, we breake ourselves and loneliness get cozy in our souls because we only learn the hard way what right and wrong. Being born a narcissist at its best person never helps either. A narcissist will get the attention so craved after in a way or another, at some point it wouldn't even matter if the attention created around us is negative or positive, the bigger impact the better no matter how to us. But to the people around us that get to see the pattern we implant matters and they start to protect themself from this everlasting behavior we give them every day and it always gets broken by reality. Broken and damaged by my own doing I'm sitting numb moved by the day to day life that pushes me along with the tides, the attention I wanted now is reflected on every bad aspect and bad deed and is piercing through my soul like is meant to leave me crushed forever and for some, this is called sweet revenge but who can blame them, they reflect every action and expectation of myself. Probably will leave me wandering forever how I got so oblivious in hurting others and trying to fix some of the damage. But those living souls just got the bad taste of my sad self and carried on ..so we turn INWARDS..to start the fixing !!