Traumatized

Hi my name is Taniyah and this is story about life lessons I learned from my mom. Yes plural growing up my life wasn’t always rainbows and unicorns I had some Tsunami and hurricanes in there too. The lessons I learned from my mom is be better and greater than your parents, there is always another way to punish your kids, and make sure none of my kids feel left out treat them equally. When I was younger my mom worked at least 2 jobs. She also was in and out of school. At the time my mom had three kids and my grandmother would watch over us while my mom was gone. My grandmother did most of the raising. Me and my mom relationship wasn’t so great I disobeyed and I got beat for it. It’s so many details I want to put but I don’t know if it will fit all in just 6,000 words. Let’s just says it’s difference between whoops and beatings. Anyways I can’t act like a victim fully because I do admit I did do things I had no business doing but some of the things I acted under pressure, because other kids were doing it and I just wanted to fit in, or because I just wanted attention I just seeked it the wrong way. My mom wasn’t bad all the time we did have our laughs and the laughs I try to hold on to but the as is so dark that it covers the light and haunts me scaring making me distant from my mom. I love my mom with all my heart but there’s certain things I wish she did differently. Till this day I have bad anxiety I can’t be alone in the house, I don’t like the dark, I look over my shoulder often, and I don’t speak to my mom unless I need something which is sad also I do have flashbacks or images that come in my head and just breaks my heart. Some of this isn’t all my mom fault be are causes of her poor decisions. For example I got raped when I was 17 years old by my moms Boyfriend he was younger than my mom like no younger than 25 and no older than 30. She say they been dating for long than 3 months but he only been around me in my siblings for less than 1 month. Like I said I love my mom we had our laughs but the dark covers the light which distance me from her. Now that I’m older she helps me with my groceries even though I have to remind her I’m still grateful because she don’t have to do that. We use to go to family trips once a year she didn’t have to take me but she did. She did basic parental things even though she could have gave me away she didn’t she kept me fed me cloth me and loved me in her own way. One important lesson that I learn from my mom is some people just needed to be loved from distance. Me and my mom relationship is stronger than what it was before now that I moved out. There’s certain things I wasn’t prepared for that I wish she taught me that I had to learn from others but I thank her for still doing other things for me that I need help with. I opened up more to her not a lot but it’s baby steps can’t tape a vase back together and expect it to stand straight or look pretty like it did before. One thing I wish from my mom is for her to do more I don’t know I want more from her but it’s like I want from her but I’m not giving anything back. When I was younger I tried to build a strong or some type of relationship with my mom but it failed repeatedly to the point where I just gave up and stopped trying. Also another lesson I learned is when my kids try to have a serious conversation with me don’t go telling their business to the world if I need a advice seek advice don’t go gossiping to the family or friends and having the kids embarrassed. Certain information I don’t like to tell my mom because I don’t want her to judge or go back and tell people. When I was younger my mom told her friends everything that I did or what was going on with me I know parents need to vent to but there should be a line they shouldn’t crossed because of her telling a lot of my business to her friends or certain family members they would give me dirty looks and if I was my old self with bad tempers and going crazy I probably would have got little disrespectful. Growing up my mom taught me a lot of lessons that I will keep me forever because I want to be better do better and never have kids feeling so scared of me that they feel like they can only love me from a distance or not come to me when they are in trouble.