The Search for Fulfillment:

Blog Title: The Search for Fulfillment: Breaking Free from the Cycle of Loneliness and Self-Sabotage

We all have those moments of deep reflection when certain patterns and habits in our lives start to make sense, and we realize how much they’ve shaped us. I recently had one of those moments while talking to a friend. After a lot of soul-searching, I discovered something that was right in front of me but hadn’t been fully clear until now: I keep sabotaging my own success, and it all seems to come back to one thing—loneliness.

I know I’m smart, and getting a great job has never been the issue. In fact, I’ve had career opportunities that most people would envy. But no matter how much potential these roles had, I’ve always ended up walking away. I wasn’t fulfilled; I was empty. I didn’t have anyone to share it with, and the loneliness was almost deafening. It’s like I was always searching for something beyond the job or the paycheck, a connection that seemed to slip further away every time I tried to reach it.

As I thought about it more, I realized this feeling goes back to my childhood. For the first seven years of my life, I was an only child, and while I was a bit spoiled, it was just me, my mom, and my older cousin. I loved my mom deeply, and in my young mind, it felt like we were a team. But then, when I was around six or seven, everything changed. She started dating someone new and began spending more and more time at his place. That left me alone, and for the first time, I felt abandoned. It hurt, especially as a child, and that pain stayed with me. Even now, decades later, I can see how those early experiences have embedded a fear of abandonment deep within me.

This fear affects more than just my relationships. It affects my ability to succeed and stay grounded. Part of me holds back on purpose, almost subconsciously, because I want to be vulnerable enough that someone will reach out and help me. It’s like I equate that support with love, like if someone helps me when I’m down, it means they care. I thrive in those moments when someone steps in, when I feel like I’m not alone and that someone’s got my back. Those are the moments I feel most connected and alive, part of something bigger than myself.

But it’s a painful cycle. When I’m down and ask for help and don’t get it, it hurts even more. And still, the pattern repeats. I keep making choices that leave me in situations where I need rescuing, just so I can feel that fleeting sense of love and care. I know it doesn’t make sense, and it’s probably holding me back from real happiness. But awareness is the first step, right? Now that I see this pattern for what it is, I realize it’s time to break free and find fulfillment within myself, not through the validation or support of others.

Writing this feels cathartic. I’m hoping that by sharing it, I can not only hold myself accountable but also connect with others who may feel similarly. We all want to feel loved, and sometimes, that need can lead us to make choices that keep us from truly being at peace with ourselves. For me, this journey forward means learning to be whole on my own, to embrace my success without needing someone else to validate it, and to feel loved without having to be vulnerable to feel cared for.

It’s a process, and I’m still learning. But the future looks a little brighter now that I understand what’s been holding me back. Here’s to breaking old cycles and embracing a new kind of love—one that comes from within.