The Papa You Could've Been

Oh, how I loved our times together at the park. Oh, how I loved our little ice-cream dates. Oh, how I loved our dress-up parties. Oh, how I loved the way you’d let me make your face colorful with my glitter makeup set. Oh, how I loved the way you’d push me on the swings while encouraging me to make airplane sounds each time I swung up. Oh, how I loved your piggyback rides in the living room while you *oinked* making mummy cry her eyes out from laughing so hard. Oh, how I loved your special star-shaped Sunday morning pancakes with their chocolate smiley face that you drew on with chocolate syrup and the forehead kiss that came along with it. Oh, how I loved the way you’d let mummy and me bury you at the beach in the sand, turning you into a sand mermaid. Oh, how I loved the way you’d pick me up out of the backseat after falling asleep from a long car ride home… Most of the time I was faking it just so you could carry me inside into my room. But Most importantly out of all the things I mentioned, I love how even though none of those things happened I can finally be at peace with not having the father figure I craved at the age of 22.

See… When I was younger I used to grow jealous of other little girls experiencing what it is to not have what society would consider a “Broken home”. There was even a time when I even ran to mummy crying about missing you. What's funny about that last statement is I never even got to experience you; so technically what was I missing? I guess younger Susane fantasized over the idea of having a papa for way too long that she couldn’t separate fantasy from reality anymore. I know mummy doesn't remember that day but I do and honestly wish that never happened. I can only imagine what kind of thoughts were racing through her mind at that time, knowing that no matter what she told her baby girl it wouldn't have made a difference. Poor mummy couldn't tell me that you not being around was a decision that she had to make but also you gave her no choice but to put us first. What younger Susane was too young to understand was that you not being around was actually for the best and that she probably wouldn't become who she is in the future had you been around. And I know papa, you’re fighting in a battle you don't even know that you’re in. A battle you’ll probably never realize you’re in. Not to be pessimistic by saying that, I just learned the lesson of not getting my hopes up at a young age and That's something I have to live my life pretending to be at peace with at the age of 22. I guess it just gets easier to deal with as the days go by.. but I'm still allowed to feel angry.

Papa I would like to ask you about some of your fondest childhood memories, tell me about your mom… You know? my granmè. Do you think I resemble her? Do I sound like her when I laugh? Is she stubborn like me too?.. Those are things I won’t ever be able to ask you, those are things I’m not even sure you’d be honest about. I can’t blame you. I mean I can but I shouldn't… it sure is easier to though.

Where you’re from time stands still… Actually no, it doesn’t stand still, it just feels like it. You’re from a country of less privilege so the people there are far behind on the time, the country is far behind but It's because they had metaphorically speaking their watch stolen, which set them back too many years to label so when they finally got their watch back they had to pay the person that stole it 21 billion in emotional damage. I know that seems a bit off-topic papa but I guess what I'm trying to say is your country didn’t and doesn't have the right kind of funds to support people like you. They don't have the funds to set up proper institutions to diagnose what people like you have. They don’t have a safe environment or healthy conversations publicly that would encourage people like you to come forward for help.

You have a mental illness, an undiagnosed mental illness. You don't seek help because you don't think you have it and that causes more harm than it allows you to recognize. It’s not your fault nor is it your country's fault but there’s got to be some part you’re able to take responsibility for.

Papa, Oh, How I would love the time you and my boyfriend became the best of friends, Oh, how I would love the time you approved of him as my future husband. Oh, how I would love being walked down the aisle by you, Oh, how I would love your reaction to a “Promoted to Grandpa” Tee that I got you to reveal my pregnancy, Oh, how I would love you falling asleep with your grandbaby in your hand on your pull out couch. Papa, thank you for the memories I could have had, thank you for the papa you could have been, I’m sure he would've been amazing… I'm sure he would’ve also been a great husband to mummy. I hope you win your battle one day and when you do I would love to hear all about whatever it is you would like to tell me.

One day it won't be the papa you could’ve been but the Papa you are.