Open Conversations With My Generation :: How I Tried to Have Them

Dear Reader,

I am in no way qualified to give parental advice to anyone, let alone am I able to do anything a counselor, psychologist, or any other type of therapist would do for you (the reader). All I can do is give you advice by sharing my story. I would like to start this by pasting a letter I wrote to my parents. This letter is addressed to anyone and I wrote it directed to the people who are willing to hear my story:

Dear Whomever is Willing to Read,

In my generation, I was raised spoiled and was handed everything and took everything I was handed for granted. I did not deserve anything I was given. For all three of my cars, I did not pay a single cent or tried to save money that could go towards getting those cars. I can agree with anyone’s opinion of me because it is true; I am a brat, I’m spoiled, entitled, demanding, bossy, a know-it-all, and I am selfish. What I am doing to my family is selfish, running away from a problem that I have full capability to solve with the skills I have gathered from college makes me a coward. In the position I am in now, I can not help my brother in any shape or form physically. All I can do is try to be a better sister as he goes through a time in his life this he will never forget.

Tyler (Not my brother's real name but one I will use for the sake of this story) may be smiling and laughing at the situation at hand but he is a very lonely child. I don’t think he talks to his friends anymore nor does he talk to any of his family members about what is going on in his head. A few weeks ago Tyler held a loaded gun to his head and wanted to kill himself. I was not there to witness the entire account, but I did receive a phone call that explained the situation in an uncaring manner. Despite having my own struggles in college, the only thing I thought about throughout the week of finals (which is the hardest time in the semester), was if my brother was in a comfortable environment. I imagined trying to do a twenty-page research paper in one month was stressful, but I was proven wrong anytime I thought about my brother. Our relationship is not like all brother-sister relationships I have seen in my friend's homes. Tyler and I are different, we are two different people that were raised in the same house but ending up on different paths.

Tyler is smart, he can crunch numbers in his head, knows how to take care of himself, and can analyze any given situation and develop an outcome that is either better for the situation or makes the situation worse. I know my brother has these skills because he learned them from our parents. During the times they thought he wasn’t listening Tyler was actually critically gathering information that he can use when it benefits him. In every situation, Tyler is always listening and always knows how to react at any given time. When I spoke with him the Friday (12/11) I came back from college, Tyler explained to me what he was thinking the night he held the gun to his head and wanted to end everything. He told me the only thing stopping him from pulling the trigger was him not knowing what would happen next. He was scared of what was on the other side, he didn't know if it would be completely dark or if he would feel anything. Since being kicked out of the house I lived in when I went to High school, I pray and thank every day, whatever God in the universe that sent the fear down to stop him, because if Tyler had not felt that fear in the moment it took for him to pull the trigger I would not have a little brother to be proud of anymore.

I am so proud to be his sister, he surprises me every day. Whether he gets good grades or wants to have a conversation with me, I am always proud of my brother because he has the potential to grow and develop into the next best Game Developer.

I’ve tried to have a conversation about college with him, but he never wants to open up about his future plans. This should have been the first warning. Tyler is a very introverted person and he likes to be alone the majority of the time. In college, I have met many introverted people that have led very excited and successful lives. It is not a bad thing to be introverted, or quiet, or wanting to be alone. What is bad about Tyler wanting to be alone is he thinks about situations that bring in bad thoughts. In our home, we don’t have structure, but we have the potential of having structure. In order to progress, we do not need to get rid of the dogs, or move to a different location, or tear down the house. What needs to happen is an open conversation about what we can improve and develop habits that will lead to progression.

A therapist is one way to get to the point of progression, but there are millions of ways to handle the situation at home and I failed the night I was kicked. I know I am not the greatest sister, but I am present for my brother when it matters. In this situation it matters, my parents may not have lost a son but they lost a daughter who knows how to develop these habits towards progression. I still love my parents, I don’t think I will ever say I hate my dad or mom. They are just people who don’t know what to do in this type of situation, but that’s why I went to college. I went to college to benefit my parents, I know how hard it is for them to pay the 2,000 dollar payments, I know I am a financial burden. I never wanted my brother to feel like that, to feel like he needs to be better and he needs to fix everything himself. That is my job as the first kid. I am supposed to exceed expectations, set limits, and be better so my parents have someone to brag about come the holiday season. I know I am childish to think this, and my actions have not shown my progression, but I do believe that doing cheer and theater and clubs and being a tomboy for my dad, showed that I tried to be the perfect child. I stayed away from dating, I stayed away from drugs, I made sure I never got a ticket or was arrested. I think doing that much I made my parents proud, and that is the only thing I live for. I live to see my dad smile at me and for my mom to think I am a grown woman she made. As cheesy as it sounds, I wish I can continue to make my parents proud.

Anyway, I think I rambled on long enough. I was always good about expressing my personality, but I was never good at expressing how I feel. So, whether it is Mom, Dad, Tyler, or another family member or stranger reading this, I hope my message is clear. Have an open conversation with the people around you and be aware mental health is not just for extreme cases. A good question to start with is: How do you feel today?

Sincerely,

Nice Try. But I’m not giving my real name

I know the letter might be too verbose and to the few who did read through the whole letter, thank you. Since going to college, I have learned a lot about topics related to mental health. I have written many papers regarding child development and I have attended seminars that discuss mental health and the effects. Reminder I am only an English and Theater major and I am currently working on my bachelor's in those two fields.

My University has held many mental health seminars, being a private Christian university they are very accepting and open about a lot of topics that stereotypically people would assume a private Christian university wouldn’t be open to talking about. My private Christian university has surprised me in many ways on how accepting they are and their belief system is the Mennonite Brethren denomination.

Taking from my personal experience, starting these open conversations regarding either financials, mental health, sexuality, or other hard topics is not easy and I noticed that. It is especially hard on parents who are still figuring out what being a parent means. You could be on your first child or you're fifth and it is okay to not know what to do as a parent. To the kids of my generation, your parents don't know everything and you will never really see your parents as anything but parents until you start adulting. Once you start seeing your parents as not your parents, having an open conversation will be easier because they no longer need to protect you.

I hope my story will help whoever is reading. I was raised with both my parents working all my life, my mom and dad are financially placed in the tax bracket of the ‘well off middle class’. Both of them are managers at their own retail store.

A few weeks ago, before the start of my finals week, I received a phone call from my mom about how my brother tried to kill himself with the family gun. I freaked out and yelled at her, not only at the offhanded way she told me this story but also at the fact of how she handled the situation. I had a fight with my dad the Friday I came home from finals week for Christmas break and since last week I have now been kicked out for 12 days now.

Do not worry dear reader, I am comfortably staying with my aunt right now. My parents have tried every day this week to talk me into coming back home, but every time they try to persuade me I ask them how my little brother is doing and they stop all attempts. My dad and I talked Saturday and he said I am welcome home anytime, but the truth is I don’t want to go home. The way my parents are handling the situation with my brother is not fair. If it was me I know for a fact they would be more diligent in trying to help me, I went through something like this before in high school. (Also, my little brother is a Junior in high school).

When the “incident” happened, because that is what we are calling his suicide attempt, the story goes my mother sat with my brother in his room crying after my dad pried the gun away from his hands. This account is from my mom’s perspective, she told me this story as if the gun was loaded and cocked waiting to fire. On the Saturday conversation with my dad, he told me the gun my brother had was not loaded. My brother was just sitting with a bullet in his hand and the gun with an empty clip.

My little brother has yet to tell me about what happened, I did talk with him first when I came home. I have been talking with my brother every day on the phone, either asking about his day or asking him what games he is playing. His favorites right now are Dead By DayLight and Skyrim. I wish I could do more for him than these phone calls at night. I think my parents are helping him in their own way, but I feel like I am going crazy with worry every time he tells me he is alone in the house. My parents have worked every day since the pandemic broke out, being managers of their own stores they have to pick up hours their employees fail to fulfill.

I recognize they provide for us and their job gives us a roof over our head and food on the table, but when something like this happens to your son I assumed more would have been done. The day the incident happened, the next day my mom left my brother with the emergency suicidal hotline and went to work. I feel like they are taking a very careless approach to the self-named “incident”. My dad told me, on our Saturday talk, I will never understand until I have a child of my own. He also said he doesn't believe in my brother's suicide attempt, my dad said to me he only believes my brother feels these emotions 50 percent of the time, and the rest of the time my dad thinks my brother is using this as an excuse to get out of bad grades.

I do not believe this but what do you say to a father who thinks he knows everything about his kids. My brother is an introvert and he does not like attention as I do. He likes to keep to himself and never wants anything unless he absolutely needs something. Knowing this basic information about my brother, I don't understand why my dad thinks my brother is "lying" about his emotions.

My dad is right when he said I will never understand what it is like for a parent to see their son go through something like this despite doing everything for them. From family vacations to getting everything we always want, my brother and I have never heard a “no” to what we want. My parents always said words like “maybe” or “at some point”, but whenever I wanted something my parents always gave it to me. Hence why I describe myself as spoiled and selfish in my letter. I am seeking therapy right now to help correct that mindset.

Now here is my advice to you patient reader, the whole point of you hearing my story and letting me ramble on for a few hundred words. If you are a parent, guardian, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, or just a friend trying to help another friend. Learn how to be patient. It’s the basic advice I can tell anyone, be patient with the one you are most worried about.

Forcing them to open up about feelings they do not know how to describe themselves is hard. My brother is an introvert in the biggest way, he thrives on being alone and I have noticed at family functions that his social battery goes out fast. Patience is the key to opening up these conversations about mental health, financial stability, and sexual orientation. If you really need to research as much as you can and try to educate yourself to the best of your abilities.

As a 20-year-old about to be a 21-year-old in a few days who is just starting her adult life. I think I have the right to speak for my generation when I say; all we want is patience. We are going through so much hardship and we were raised in so much hardship. My dad says my generation is weak and full of a bunch of snowflakes, but I believe presenting yourself to the world is harder than anything.

The generation before taught us a lot but there is a lot my dad’s generation did not teach us. My dad says my generation was handed everything and I don’t know what it's like to work hard for something. My response to this is that my generation didn’t need to work hard, I have an entire slam poetry response to his talk about “my generation” that I’ll probably post in a while.

I hope my story helps someone out there and I hope people learn to be patient with others who don’t know how to process what they are feeling. You don’t need to baby them but show them you are present in the situation and that their feelings matter. A common phrase I use to end every conversation is "you are loved and appreciated", I feel in the times we are in now a little love and appreciation can go a long way in connecting people. Especially for the holidays.

Sincerely,

PenGwenie