Numb

After this weekend, I realize that while my heart cries out and my tears fall, I still am in disbelief that my Joey is gone. Memories, like the one above will never be made again....that, doesn't compute in my brain. As much as I KNOW these times are gone, my brain still refuses to accept it. Someone who recently lost their child asked me if the numbness is "normal?" Normal....what exactly is that? We wonder if we are grieving correctly... what is the "proper" way to grieve?

Yesterday, sitting on my deck, enjoying the sunshine, by myself and listening to music. As an old school, classic rock girl, I gave my children the gift of appreciating the music I listened to growing up, as a teenager, and into adulthood, my favorite band has always been REO Speedwagon....my children could sing REO before they could talk!!! One particular song that takes me back to a sweet, sweet time is "In My Dreams," if you haven't heard it, take a listen...it's a great song! I digress, My Joey, at age 4 could sing this song word for word and even made up words to coordinate with what he perceived the instruments to sound like! I smile at "BOOM, BOOM, PAP A MI CHEE" ...this, is what he heard. Yesterday, that song came on, and I remembered his 4 year old self singing his little heart out for me.... I smiled, but it was through the tears of grief and I realized, that while my head recognizes this loss, while my heart is shattered, I am still in a state of denial.

So am I grieving correctly? Am I "normal?" I experience the waves that I've written about previously, and they are intense and so very painful, but are those waves just glimpses of the pain that resides in me? Are they moments of time when the reality hits, and the numbness is eradicated for a moment?

I've never done this before, and I never want to do it again. Everyday is like walking through a mine field...will I be blown up today, or will I be able to push back the pain? Is it strength or denial when I am able to function? When I do fall apart, am I somehow less competent than someone who is able to move forward without falling to their knees and sobbing uncontrollably?

This journey is not one that offers a map or even an end...tip toeing through my life is how I live right now. Losing a part of yourself hurts; losing that part of yourself that helped define you forces you to defend your very being by denying that you have lost anything! That loss comes through though...no matter how hard you try to push it away and continue numbing yourself - it always breaks through and punishes me in a fiery way for denying myself the release...and after my punishment, I push the pain away for another day or two, and continue on my path of numbness and denial.

Grief, is not linear, grief is not timely....Grief is just overwhelming pain when you allow yourself to feel it.

This installment has taken me some time to compose, some days are better than others, but never do I stop missing my child. To make things worse (if that's possible) the police who were to investigate my son's death dropped the ball...in a big way. Had I not taken action and reached out to every possible agency I could, my son's death, like many other addicts deaths would be pushed aside and forgotten. That, is not okay - my son is important! My son meant something to me and countless others! He isn't "less than" because he used drugs! He is MY Son! He is a brother, an uncle, a nephew, a cousin, and a friend and he MEANS something to all of us! Why, has it become acceptable for society to see someone who is sick as less than human? Why do so many parents accept that their children are forgotten by those who we seek help in protecting them?

I am numb, but in my paralysis lies an anger that will not be quieted until there is justice for my baby.