Drowning in Grief

There are days; like today, when everything is fine, I've managed to move that pain that now lives in me to the back of my brain, to be picked up again at a later time (most likely when I try to go to sleep at night) and then, something triggers the wave - it pounds me into the ground, and threatens to drown me in my own pain. This wave is not something foreseeable, it's not something I can control. The very idea of being unable to control something that threatens my total destruction is unbelievably frightening to me.

Yes, I admit I am a self proclaimed control freak. I know it, I admit it, and I embrace it...for the most part. I think this control issue surfaced quite some time ago, when I recognized, that other people were deciding what was "best for me," without asking me what I thought was best for me! So, as a pre teen, I developed this need to have control of SOMETHING in my life! I realized quickly that the only thing I could control, were my reactions to things....I've always been a "heart on my sleeve" kind of person, and if I felt the need to yell, I yelled! If I felt the need to cry, I cried! I was in control of those emotions and reactions! I, have no control over these waves of pain. That fact, adds more stress and depression than the gigantic waves of grief provide alone.

One tiny little thing can trigger a grief tsunami of epic proportions, and that trigger can be something as small as a photo, a word or phrase my son used to say, or the glance at a gift he got for me for a holiday or my birthday. These triggers, are everywhere, and I am always blindsided when I come in contact with them and trigger these waves of crushing pain.

It's never just one thing alone, it's the trigger, then the thought process, then the realization...then I am literally taken to my knees in a sea of tears and unimaginable pain. This, is one of those days where understanding and hugs are the only thing that can help me make it through...

I often wonder how my grief is perceived by others...not that I care what anyone thinks about it - this pain is mine, I know that and regardless of others thoughts or feelings about it, I simply don't care if they approve or disapprove! I'm just curious what someone thinks when coming into contact with someone like me; someone who has been ripped to shreds, but continues walking; someone who cannot let go of the sadness and loss... There are some, who are willing to share the heaviness, but even these kind souls don't fully understand the all consuming pain that strikes like a lightening bolt leaving you weak and afraid. I, wouldn't want them to know...this is not a pain I would wish on anyone!!!!!

Calling grief an "emotion" is like calling the sea a stream. Grieving your child is a physical pain like nothing I've ever experienced, it tears the breath from your body, your chest becomes tight, your body shakes... it is as much a physical attack on your body as it is an emotional one. The only way to survive these waves, is to ride them out....so I ride them, and after I'm lying spent and bruised on the beach, I am left with a loneliness and despair that I must tuck away and hide.

After the wave has receded, I feel as if I've been on a drinking binge and the hangover is horrendous! My eyes are swollen and they hurt, my body aches with the trauma of losing one of the most precious things in my life, my stomach rolls and threatens to empty...

It's actually pretty damn amazing that I am able to continue on.... every fiber of my being aches with missing my son, yet, I've been given the task of continuing on without him and that job is sometimes more than I can, or want to bear.