My Little Baby M ... cubed

To Baby M (cubed),

I learned a lot more than I had expected to learn. I went to see someone about you because I bled and then I stopped and then I bled some more - and I told myself that I wouldn't get an ultrasound, but then I got scared for your wellbeing.

The pregnancy test strip still read positive - and the vomiting and nauseousness was still quite problematic unless I continued eating those awful chips you like: Doritos Spicy Sweet Chili! Yet, I bled and got scared that you were gone. One of you were leaving... vanishing twin syndrome the ultrasound person said. But, there weren't two little bodies on that ultrasound screen.

I was certain that she had to be wrong... the picture had to be wrong... but, there were three of you. I thought that she was kidding me at first... some kind of practical joke... and it wasn't funny but most jokes I don't find funny. But then she started using big words like "specialist" and telling me that midwife services wouldn't be an option for me anymore... and then I realized that she was being serious. This was actually happening.

No! This could not be happening! I came prepared to say goodbye to you. I came with all of the logic that this bleeding and lost pregnancy was for the best... this was simply going to close the door that was still cracked open.

I had told your daddy about your existence because it was the right thing to do. He reacted how I expected. I did not react how I expected. I cried for so many days & it was worse than when he said that we weren't even friends any more. That had been bad enough... and that part had been worse than the breakup itself.

The breakup had gone smoothly and I had only cried that one night. I did all of the steps that I had learned about making the process faster for me. I removed anything that smelled of your daddy, including purifying the house with essential oils; I removed the few photos I had of him - not entirely as I hardly ever go that far for anyone in my life, but removed them from where they'd be easily accessible; and then I let the pain engulf me with the darkness that night. I didn't run from it. I sat with it. And cried until the anger came.

I allowed the anger to fill me with rage and refused to turn it in on myself as I so often do to try to soften the intensity that other people have shown to be terrified of - even though I haven't physically hurt others. It just is so intense that most seem afraid of it. I sat with it - the fiery passion that allows me such clarity of thought. Maybe that is what scares some? That my anger isn't unpredictable: it is methodical and thorough. Especially when the offending individual choose to break the only thing that I told him to never break - to cross the line that I warned him never to cross.

It was nearly 3am when the flood of tears and the fiery anger had both ceased. The anger had turned slightly, when I had realized that anyone who says that emotions only last for 90 seconds had never met me. More like an hour to 3 hours for these intense emotions. Stupid imbeciles!

That was when it turned to me... the bargaining piece. What if I had been better? What if I had been too much? What if I had misunderstood everything? Maybe there was a fix... if only I could find the fix! I went over every memory and analyzed every touch, every word, every conversation... looking for where I had gone so wrong. I knew that I would be doing this later on with my professional supports too, but right now I needed to know for myself.

I fell asleep about 5am from exhaustion, but I had realized that the only way that I could have prevented this was when I first realized that he had broken through that wall I had erected. I could have stopped it then, but ... I had chosen not to. I had chosen to take a chance on new people. I had chosen to just let it be whatever it would be. I had decided that I could handle this if it happened... and I felt both proud of myself while also being angry at myself because hadn't people shown us enough to know to not trust them?

I know that I cried more in my sleep that morning because when my littles came to wake me up, I had so many crusty pieces on my cheeks, in my eyes, and my nose was plugged. I was tired... and numb. They wouldn't know about what he said... or what piece of me that he had shattered inside my heart. By the time 24 hours had passed, I was at acceptance of the break up... and needed clarification on what else had been meant.

The cycle of grief restarted on Christmas Eve as I discovered that I had understood correctly: that we were not going to be friends at all. Despite my hoping that I had misunderstood something, I was down to a single friend now. I don't make friends very easily and your daddy had been... well... I thought that he was one of those special friends that only happen once in a while even if he wasn't planning on staying in the midwest.

That was upgraded when I told him the news about his baby a few weeks later when it was clarified that I had never been a friend, simply a fun time. That was the hardest wave of grief, but I am not sure if I was devastated more because I am afraid of the future or because my heart ached as I tried to figure out what to tell you when you get older or because this ... heartbreaking devastation would have never happened if I had simply been aware that I was "just a fun time." I worried that my grief had injured you my darling little one... only no, the reason that everything (pregnancy test, morning sickness, etc.) was so early and so intense was because you were not simply... a baby.

I have since found a couple of more friends... maybe. But I have no anticipation that they will stick with me my sweet little Baby M^3. I have long known that I am different and right now I'm feeling like I can barely catch a break. I got blood-work back and have referrals for other health conditions; I am waiting on information on stuff with your siblings; I have been informed that I am malnourished and that it is negatively impacting you guys; and now I have to figure out what all I am going to do. These decisions are all on me.

I had plans: IF God let me keep you, I wanted a home birth with a midwife. It hadn't been allowed as an option to me the last couple of times. Your sibling's dad is posing problems and I am doing my best to try to help keep them safe too. Your brother is not sleeping and I am oh, so tired. But, the alternative is to let someone take your siblings overnight - and run all of the safety risks associated with that plan.

It is my job to keep all 5 of you as safe as possible... and I feel that, as we begin February, that I am failing so miserably at every aspect of that mission. My heart is broken in so many ways my sweet Baby M^3... and I have no idea who to trust or where to turn for help. I just... can't let it get to me. I feel myself pulling back into my shell and I'm fighting against the urge, but... where do I go from here?

My vehicle isn't large enough for 5 carseats.

I'm barely making ends meet & more bills are piling up.

I can't talk to anyone about what all is going on. It is simply too dangerous to share the full picture of my reality right now with anyone. I've shared pieces here and there with those who may need to know.

My voice is getting weaker as the stress keeps increasing. My body feels like I'm going to crash if I keep pushing myself, but I don't really have a choice. Everything is so intense and even journaling is stuck as I don't feel safe being completely honest anywhere.

I'll be alright though. I have to be okay. I have no other options.

I need help with so many things... and no one has any ideas. *sobs*

I am failing all of my children... and that makes me feel like I am failing at my biggest hope and dream. My heart is crushed into powder... so many questions that I don't have answers for... and the urge to go against everything I believe in and have an abortion is strong. But, I just can't do that.

I don't trust that your daddy will keep his word about you three. I just cannot trust him. I'm sorry. *cries* If I was just a fun time... all that time... I really am that stupid and naive. With your sibling's lives? I have also missed so much that maybe I shouldn't have missed.

I am not scared enough.

I am not angry enough.

I am not sad enough.

I am... collected and trying to stay calm no matter what. It makes me wonder if maybe I am the problem after all. I have testing that is coming up for an updated psyche evaluation... they will probably tell me that I do have one of the personality disorders - or all of them! I'm lying through my teeth to my support system... sort of... but, also not really. I am not feeling much other than the most intense waves of anger and sadness.

I am powerless.

I am alone.

Those that do know a bigger picture of my life, have no idea what to say or do. I need directions. Please someone send me directions so that I don't end up losing everything this time around...

Dear God, please... please send me help and tell me who I can trust.

Please don't let my entire world fall apart.

Thank you for having even my estranged family be supportive right now. I am trying to trust You with everything, but it is hard! I need sleep. My babies need nourishment and for my stress level to decrease. My son needs sleep and help with his anxiety. My daughter needs help with her hands and her emotions too.

I appreciate everything that you do. Oh, and God? Please protect my children and I from everyone that wishes us harm of any kind. Thank you. Amen

Do I tell your daddy that there are more than one of you... or not? I am so very conflicted in my morals/ethics and what the rest of humanity believes... I'm so lost! At least I'm almost done with the first trimester and I'm hoping the morning sickness will leave! *smile*