My Little Baby M

Dear sweet little one,

I don't know hardly anything about you yet, but you were not supposed to happen. I guess I am foolish as an adult. So many people are confused why I wasn't expecting you.

I was on birth control and I trusted your daddy. He knows more about stuff than I do... a lot more about stuff than I do. And that was okay. I don't expect to know everything about things that I wasn't given much of a chance to explore. I never knew who to ask questions to - nor how to come up with the words to ask the questions.

The doctor was emphatic that I had to take the pill at the same time every day. I did it. It was the one thing I never was late on (despite the rest of my life being full of chaos!) because I knew that my life was too chaotic for me to have another baby. I was done having kids because I didn't want to be trapped again for 18 years. It didn't matter whether or not I thought that a guy would trap me, I simply didn't want to take the risk.

You were such a surprise and I wish that I could say that you were a happy surprise, but... you weren't a happy surprise. I choose to love you though. I would never get rid of you - it isn't your fault that this happened and I will do everything in my power to give you the best life that I can. I need to tell your daddy... and I have a good idea of what he will say, but I hope that I'm wrong because you are going to be a precious little bundle of joy.

I never want you to feel as though you were not one of the best things to happen to me - and I am terrified that I will fail you in that regard my sweet little one. You are a lot like your daddy already... you like intense and spicy foods. Well, that and ice cream. You have a sweet tooth. Maybe that was what your daddy liked in me - I keep getting told that I am sweet, but I don't feel very sweet!

I hope that you look like him. Sometimes I wonder if I want another boy or a girl, but I know that you will be perfect no matter what you are. I just have no idea how I am going to take care of you on top of everything else! I also have no idea on how I am going to tell your daddy, or your siblings, or... my family. Your uncle, grandfather, and grandmother know about you and they are surprised, but emphatic that you are already a member of our family! The rest of my family? I have no idea how they will feel about your existence. I was supposed to be "careful" - and I thought that I was, but... obviously not careful enough... I do hope that they won't hold that against you my sweet little one.

I shouldn't get attached. I know better. I have lost babies before. But, I feel so protective of you already. I am terrified, but no one will hurt you if I have anything to say about it. Sometimes, I think about how much easier it would be to make you go away... but I can't kill you. You are... mine. You are... a gift. You are... perfect until this world corrupts your innocence - and then, you are still a child of God worthy of love.

I am scared that this will mark the calendar as the stupidest thing that I have ever done, but... I can already think of far more dumb choices that I have made than the events that led to ... well, you! I feel overwhelmed and kinda want a really strong drink, but... I can't risk hurting you. I will protect you from even myself dear child... just like I have done my best to protect your siblings.

It needs to be a secret, but... I love you. I will do my best to do right by you. Including telling your daddy about you even though I am scared to... after what I've been through with your siblings, I don't want to have that repeated in your life. I keep wondering if I can hide your existence completely for 9 months... and then just never tell anyone who your daddy is. But, that isn't fair to you. Or to him. And it isn't right. So, I will do the right thing - even if I am terrified. Not of your daddy, but of history repeating itself in my life again. Not of your daddy, but how choices on both his end and my end will end up affecting you - and potentially, your siblings.

You, my child, are a very big responsibility. You are worth every piece of stress though and... I can promise you that I will do my best - even though I will not be perfect by any means.

You were not supposed to happen, but I will choose to accept that this was God's plan and you are a gift from Him. I told myself to not get attached, but... you are Baby M.

God, please help me to do right by this pregnancy and keep it (and myself) safe. Please help give me the words to communicate. And thank you for the people who are helping me through this... shock. Please take the pregnancy away in the next couple of weeks if this baby is not meant to stay with me - I don't want to be devastated. In Jesus' name, Amen.