My Kids Break Everything!

As every father knows, having children is the gift that just keeps on giving. I would literally swim through volcanic lava to save them from life’s trials and tribulations (I would … honest!)

But if they continue to smash, scratch or damage any more of my personal belongings, I may have no other option but to cut their allowance for ever. I might even hire a lawyer!

The first incident happened when my son Isaac, learned to walk. One day, he was exploring our sitting room room with a jam sandwich, when for no particular reason, he decided to shove the lot inside the flap of my VHS player. It was ruined! 😭

Next it was my 3 year old daughter Zarah’s turn. I’d been working overtime to save up for a big flat screen TV. I’d never had one before and thought it would be a great way to save money on cinema trips. I was thrilled with it. Especially watching Star Wars!

Then just a few days later at work, I received an unexpected text message from my darling wife …

"You’re not going to like this I’m afraid!"

As I pondered the possible disaster that may have occurred, a picture message provided me the answer …

My beautiful TV had been completely smashed to smithereens. It looked like something from a crime scene!

Standing beside it, my daughter Zarah was holding her toy dinosaur with a satisfied smile on her face. She had hit my flat screen with it, then obviously decided it was fun to make pretty marks and just kept on going. It was demolished! 😭

My kids have destroyed so many things over the years, I have lost count. But this next episode almost finished me off …

As we all know, car lease companies take much pleasure in charging for the slightest hint of damage. My own car was coming towards the end of it’s lease period and I had been sure to keep it in pristine condition.

Then just a few days before collection, my 14 year old son Isaac (the one with the jam sandwich) decided to take his bike out for a spin in the park.

The funny thing about 14 year old boys, is their bizarre inability to think straight; likely due to video gaming and raging hormones! So when Isaac cycled past my car, I’m guessing his adolescent affliction must have made him unaware of his bike pedal scratching the shit out of the paintwork!

So after he grunted an apology, then made it sound as though it was probably my fault anyway (teenagers do this), I had no other choice but to pay a body shop four hundred quid to get it repaired (sadly his paperound wouldn't cover it!)

I’m sorry to report, there was more pain to come …

The day before the car was to be returned, my wife announced a funfair was in the next town and I should drive us there for a treat. I expressed some reservations as I didn't want to tempt fate, but she very kindly reassured me …

“What could possibly go wrong? We’re just parking up love, that’s all. Don’t be so bloody paranoid”

Of course, how silly of me!

But when we arrived at the location it was manic. Drivers were being directed down side streets to park and there was very little space. I was so paranoid about my car getting damaged again, I was physically shaking.

When I eventually managed to park without incident, I let out a huge sigh of relief. I decided when the fair was finished later, I would just wait until everyone left the area to avoid any further dangers. No problem.

But unknown to me, my beautiful daughter Zarah (yes, that one!) had seen all the fairground rides outside and was becoming desperate to get out of the car. …

I was just about to get out and open her door (as it’s on a child lock of course) when her cute little hand appeared over my shoulder with something shiny held inside.

“Daddy, look! This just happened.”

It was the inside door handle!

In her excitement to get out, she had forgotten about the child lock and yanked it so hard that it came off in her hand.

I was stunned into silence as my wife looked at me in the most pitiful way you can possibly imagine …

“Shall we go and get some hot dogs everyone?” she said.

I’ve never laughed so hard in all my life. I bloody love my family! I wouldn’t change them for the world 😂🤣

Thanks for reading

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Originally published at https://medium.com/never-stop-writing/my-kids-break-everything-7554fa078f09