I Went Axe Throwing Today

I’m not normally one for volunteering, especially if it involves a bunch of hyperactive teenagers. But when my daughter’s Scout leader ‘Skip,’ announced on WhatsApp that he required an extra adult to help supervise the ‘Axe Throwing Event.’ I had a sudden change of heart!

On my arrival, Skip was busy setting up targets in one corner of the field while the scouts were running amok like pack animals at a rave. He opened a wooden box, took out some Angel Axes and Tomahawks, then laid them out in front of each target.

I was just about to shout, “excuse me Skip, but are you two sandwiches short of a picnic?” when he blew hard on his whistle and the scouts appeared like hyenas ready to tear open a giant Wildebeest.

“Right then you lot. Who’s up first!” Skip shouted over the teenage raucous.

As I tried to keep them all behind the safety line, a little Girl Scout with thick bottle lens glasses and pigtails in her hair, moved forwards and grabbed one of the Angel Axes!

“You need to hold it like this Florence,” Skip demonstrated. “Just like you hold on to the grip of a gun!”

“Jesus Christ!” I thought to myself, “he’ll be bringing out a Smith and Wesson next!”

Little Florence squinted at the target for a few seconds, then let loose with her silver angel. It clipped the top of the board and rebounded off at an angle. Skip shuffled back quickly to avoid certain castration, then said “Well done Flo! Almost. Try again!”

Within another couple of throws, she was hitting the target every single time. When she finally picked up the Tomahawk, the macabre grin on her face resembled that of Damien from the Omen when he knocked his mother over the balcony. Unfortunately she missed with the Tomahawk as it was a bit too heavy for her. But perhaps that was no bad thing!

“Right then. Let’s have a family challenge now shall we!” Skip looked over at me and my teenage daughter Zarah.

“Well, how hard can it be?” I thought, striding towards the targets confidently.

Zarah began throwing the Axe Angels at her target like she was defending herself from evil zombies. They would have had absolutely no chance! I, on the other hand, was really struggling to get the hang of it.

If you have ever tried to throw an Axe Angel (of course you have), then you will know that they are heavily weighted at the bottom. So if you throw them straight, they tend to veer straight down towards the ground. After three missed throws, I became the laughing stock of the Scout group. But then I picked up the Tomahawk!

Skip tied some bungee cord around my target, then strapped a rubber chicken in, so it hung directly over the centre. Still noticing the giggles of the scout troop behind, I raised the Tomahawk behind my head and launched it ferociously like Thor pissed off with his dry-cleaning bill.

It spun through the air like a Catherine wheel, then severed the chicken straight down the middle! The axe blade was imbedded so deeply into the target, the Incredible Hulk was required to pull it out again. I felt like a warrior!

I turned to the scout group with a proud sneer as they all gasped at my mighty effort!

“Not so crap after all then, you little fuckers,” I didn’t actually say this aloud by the way. That would not be accepted in current society, though I definitely meant it 🤣

So that was my first experience of Axe throwing with the Scouts. I hope you enjoyed it. I’m expecting a request from Skip imminently to help with the annual Bomb Disposal event. I‘ll let you know how that goes!

Thanks for reading.

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Originally published at https://medium.com/never-stop-writing/i-went-axe-throwing-today-b5cb06df69d2