Loss Of My Grandma

I lost my Grandma earlier this week. It was unexpected as she wasn't sick, but she had an unknown tear in her intestines that turned septic. The doctors did everything they could, but it was to late. She was gone within 12 hours.

No one prepares you for the pain of never being able to see them again. I knew she was getting old, but I was not ready for her to just be gone. I guess you are never ready. I keep looking back on her life wondering if I could ever be half the women she is. She was so successful. She was a nurse for many years then began a business with my grandpa. Then she ended up going back to nursing while running the family business and what have I done? Not much. I bought a house and help people where I can. My grandma was the woman I have always wanted to be. I know we all have a path to walk and no two peoples are ever the same, but I can't help and wonder if I will ever be the woman that my kids and grandkids look up too.

After I pounder that the fear begins to creep in. The fear is indescribable. All I know is that I miss the lady who spent her not even a third of her life leading me down a path I can be proud of. I miss her so much. She spent all the years she knew me helping form a person that would carry her legacy.

"Legacy what is a legacy, its planting seeds in a garden that you never get to see." -Lin Manuel-Miranda

I began to ask myself what is my Grandma's legacy. She was a great women that raised her kids with pride and helped everyone she could. I started to wonder what could I carry on from her. I thought about everything she ever told me. The more I thought the more I realized that I already carried something that she would want for me more than anything. Faith. Faith in Jesus, faith that no matter how bad things get that there is always a light at the end in the tunnel. She always showed me how much we are loved by our creator. As the middle grandchild of 5, I always tried to show her how much I believed. Often my cousins who are arguably doing better in there endeavors then me always had her attention. I tried my best to show her, but I fear I will never get to show her how much she influenced my life. My cousins have different legacies from her.

That's when it hit me. No two people have the same view of the people around. I viewed my grandma as a strong yet gentle woman with a faith that could move anything she would come acrossed. My brother seen her as a women who would do anything for everyone. For anonymity reasons these are fake names. My cousin A seen her as a caring yet silly woman. Cousin S seen her as a crazy yet loving women who would do her best to keep up with everything you were doing. Cousin C sees her as the kindest woman with faith stronger that anything. Or maybe we all have pieces and parts that we chose to latch on to. Have you ever noticed that when people pass, seldomly do people ever talk about the bad? People reach out with a "I'm sorry, she was awesome and so kind." Rarely does anyone talk about how they were mean or a drunk. What has grief taught me?

It's not what you do for people or how negative the interactions can be. It's simple really. How did you love? What do I mean? I mean how did you show those around you that you loved them. How did you change the world around you. We often compare ourselves to those that are gone. Without asking why do we see them that way? How did they love? How did they help those around them? How can I pass along their legacy? How do I make sure there memory stays with me?

Authors Note: I miss my grandma and will carry her memory with me forever. Hug those you love a little tighter for me.

Matthew 5:4