It takes a special person

My bonus boy is almost nine years old! Since he was three months old, I have been a part of his life. I have helped my husband raise this sensitive, loving, intelligent, curious, adventurous little boy. I have mended a heart that I didn't break more times than I can count. I have watched him struggle at his lowest point and helped raise him back up to the goofy, spunky boy that we know and love. I have kissed boo-boos and read bedtime stories. I ensured that he had a full belly and clean clothes before returning to his mom. I have gone above and beyond for this boy to be told, "you are not his mother."

I know that I am not his mother. I have never once tried to take his mother's place in his life. But I love him as if it was my blood flowing through his veins. He deserves all the love in this world, not just that of his bio parents.

As a mother myself, I can understand his mother's worries. I truly can. But, thinking as if it was my son in that position, if another woman were to love him and treat him as her own, I would be over the moon excited for the two of them. I understand that it can hurt a mother's feelings if their child wants to call someone else 'mom.' But I believe that that decision is up to the child; if they are comfortable enough, that is their choice. They are tiny people with their own big feelings.

My bonus boy was roughly five at the time. He talked to his mom about how it's like he has two moms. She immediately shut it down told him that I was not his mom and he was not to call me that. I can understand her to hurt. However, he didn't say he had two moms; he said it's LIKE he had two moms. Big difference, he knows I am not his mom but am a mother figure to him. He wasn't old enough to understand the point she was trying to make. However, she has destroyed his image of what his family is.

Things only got worse after that conversation with his mother about this situation. There is almost an eight-year age gap between him and my bio son. This child has to watch me with his brother every single day, then wonders why his mother is not the same with him. Over the years, his mom has had other children, and he has been pushed to the back. He has been put in numerous unsafe situations, and she has not learned her lesson since the most recent event happened this past weekend.

How do you explain to a young child that you love him like your own when his own mother doesn't? How do you get him to understand that although I am not his mom, he is still my son? I don't treat him any differently than my blood. But, because he was not allowed to make a correct observation about his life at such a young age, he thinks he is wrong with any thought about me being a 'mom' to him.

Now, I can handle the 'you are not my mom' comments. It's the truth, and it doesn't change the way I feel about him, and it doesn't change the way I treat him. I can't handle letting this child watch me love his brother (and him the same way) every day just for him to have thoughts like 'why can't she be my mom?' He has asked that one too many times, and I don't know how to answer it. Why does he have to deal with conflicting feelings/thoughts? Why did she cause him so much pain when he told her what his life was like for him?

Mom's do better. Do better with your bio children and do better with your bonus children. They only have one childhood, don't ruin it because of your feelings. I honestly believe that if his mother thought she was a good mother to him, she wouldn't have been so insecure when he made that comment. She is aware of the pain she has caused him, and instead of owning it and making changes to better herself and her children, mom continues to make bad choices every time she sees him. If you don't want him, that is all you have to say. Be honest. It doesn't mean you don't love him. But, it would stop him from hurting and being neglected. Sometimes, loving someone so much means setting them free.

I will continue to show up for E, every single day. For as long as I am alive. He will know that no matter what is going on his father and I are here. He will know that we can't always fix everything but, together we will take it one step at a time. Kids don't ask to be born, stop being selfish and love those littles the best you can!