I am not you.

I was doing to my child what you did to me. Although I never felt guilty for it until the universe was kind enough to present it in another way. I needed to see it a bit differently. I needed to see it from the eyes of the child you hurt. From the eyes of me, that little girl. The one who had to grow up faster then she should have. The one who needed a mom but she was never available and if she were; she was not emotionally or mentally able to be a mom. I had to become you to truly see that my version of you was just as bad as your version of you.

I was a great mom. I still am a great mom. My child is the reason I fight as hard as I do. My child is the reason I do not want to be you. My child is the reason I left you.

Alcohol took you from me to start. Then work and alcohol kept you from them, by then I was old enough to be alone, to fight for myself alone. You still should have been there. I tried my hardest to give them the love I lacked. I was a 16-year-old girl and it became too much. I never felt so alone. I have always felt alone. Then I had a child of my own and swore I would be different. I was different, and then I realized I wasn’t.

I worked too much, I took care of other kids for a living and was never able to take care of my own. My child was okay, my child had dad, technically step dad. Sound familiar? It wasn’t the same for me I thought. It wasn’t the same sadness as mine. I told myself it was okay; my child was okay. My child was still alone, alone the same way I was. I didn’t see this then.

I am about to shout this to the universe, something I am so ashamed of, something I need to let go. I started drinking, at first just to let go. To deal with the stress of being a newly divorced, single mom completely alone. I would drink, while we played. Toys, projects, cuddles and TV. It wasn’t until I was put in a position where you mom, you were there for my child, and to get back at you I let my drinking get out of hand. I let my need to get back at you get in the way of being the mom you never were. I started to put alcohol first. You did everything to shame me for this, but you never knew what was going on. Do you know why mom? Because you still have no idea what you did to me. You don’t see what you did, all you saw was what I was doing. I got so carried away doing to you what you did to me, I almost became you. You wanted to take my child from me. A child you hardly know anything about because she you have always been to dense to listen to me. That poor child had to save me from you. I saved you from you. I had to save you from yourself so many times as a child and now my child had to save me from you. My poor child, you don’t deserve my child that glorifies you. You don’t deserve me, but I still miss you. I still miss you yet I hardly even know you. You are the reason I cried, lied, and wanted to die.

I am forever grateful for what you put me through as a child, and when I was slowly becoming you. It showed me I don’t need you. I am sober mom, maybe not for long, but I see it clearly now. As a child I never felt like I had a home. I finally found my home mom and walking away from you showed me that home was never with you. Home is within me. Home is within myself because I am the reason I am still here. My child will always have a home with me.

What’s funny is you hardly reach out to me. I reach out to you, for my child or I suppose even sometimes for me. It is always the same disappointment it was. Life has always been about you. Thank you, mom, thank you for letting us go. Thank you for saying goodbye. Had you never said goodbye I would have never seen what I was doing. It was all the abuse that showed me the truth. I still struggle sometimes thinking love and hate are the same. Emotional abuse is sometimes okay, but mom just know all that pain taught me how to change. I let go of my mistakes, I let go of my shame. My life might not be what you think it should be, but I know my life is what I want it to be. I might be far away, but from here I have found a way to let go of the pain. From here I have found love. Not self-love because that’s all I’ve ever known. I found the love you took from me. While I miss you mom, just know I am now okay being alone, but also know my child will never have to know what it's like to be alone.

To my child I promise you this- I just want to give you the life I didn’t have. No one is going to hurt you like I was hurt. I didn’t see I was hurting you, but I promise you I see it clearly now. Fear not my darling the end is near, the end of sadness, the end of fear. I have you my baby love, I also do. I am fighting for a life for you. The life I never knew.