Finding Me

On September 17th will be a day that will live in infamy for the rest of my life. My father-in-law passed away. He was always incredibly supportive of any project I was working on whether it be making a baby blanket for a friend or teaching my daughter how to sew two pieces of felt together. He would always have great words of encouragement and was willing to hear me talk about the intricacies of the project at hand. His eyes never glazed over, and he was always engaged in the conversation.

The last couple of years I have gotten away from my passions. I was promoted at work and trying to navigate the new normal has been a bit challenging. I stopped having things to talk to him about. I lost myself along the way. I felt like I was becoming a shell of a person working a nine to five. I would get up. Go to work. Come home. Purposefully watch something that would force me not to think. Go to bed. I would lather, rinse, repeat this cycle for some time. I was not only disconnected from myself, but my family. On my days off I could not motivate myself to clean my house let alone sit down and work on a project where I had to think.

When my father-in-law passed away, I was heartbroken. I decided to make memory quilts for my daughter as well as my nieces and nephews out of his old t-shirts. Grandpa always gave the best hugs. I wanted to ensure that if his grandbabies wanted to feel grandpa’s embrace all they had to do was wrap themselves in the blanket. There were not enough t-shirts to make 5 lap quilts to go around. I found John Wayne fabric for some of the squares and beautiful scenic pictures he would have enjoyed. I even found ticket stubs. Each one of his grandbabies has a great memory of Grandpa taking them out for the day to Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farm, or San Diego Zoo. The backing I found fabric of book covers which was very apropos. He was a great storyteller. I was happy to find material that encompassed who her was.

Working on this project reignited a lost passion and helped to heal my broken heart. As I was cutting the squares memories flooded back to me. When I was cutting the John Wayne fabric, I remember sitting in his basement watching movies as a family. As I was cutting the fabric with the ticket stubs I remember going to the zoo and a very specific memory came to mind where he was fighting with my then 3-year-old nephew who thought he was mister independent and did not need to hold anyone’s hand. When I was cutting the scenic fabric, I remember watching international cinema with him as well as him complaining about the gophers infiltrating his landscaped backyard. Why the second one I am not sure, but I giggled about how mad he would get.

Cutting his shirts were the hardest. Remembering him in each of those shirts now very simple blocks about to be connected with the memory of him was extremely difficult. He was a veteran of the Air Force and he had some incredible stories about Vietnam. He was tough as nails. His helicopter once crashed and caught on fire. He walked away just fine. He would talk about his time with the military with great respect. I am glad I was able to make the quilts. It helped me come to peace with the loss of a great man.

Participating in any hobby is different for everyone. I remembered while I was doing this project it helps to keep me centered and sane. It helps to release my manic thoughts and lets me sleep soundly at night.

I have since made a few other projects as well. I am glad I found me again.