Faux Pa

I was hesitating if I wanted to share my story with the world. I grew up an only child with a single mother. On Father’s day, I celebrated my mother because she played both roles in my life. The story I was told about my father was that he lived somewhere in Texas and did not want anything to do with us. My mother did such an amazing job raising me that I was never really curious about who he was. I did not want to go searching for someone that did not care about me. I also believe that I may learn things that I did not like and I was content with my life as it was. The downside is that I always wondered my true ethnic background, for I am mixed race. I even wondered if I had long lost siblings or cousins that I could have had in my life. So when I was about 25 years old I decided to do one of those DNA tests that tell you what parts of the world you are from. This test was fascinating because I was from so many unexpected countries. I felt a sense of clarity and thrill about knowing this information because I only knew about one side of my culture.

Time would pass and I would get the occasional email about a third or fourth cousin. Then, when I was 27 years old I got a message from a man online who had been trying to contact me. They said they were a friend of my mom’s. My initial thought was why he did not contact her directly. I even got a message from my job saying this person was looking for me. I guess keeping my LinkedIn profile active led to a way for him to contact me. When I finally responded to the call, I was told that we matched as parent/child on the DNA testing website. I had an initial shock that went through my entire body. I had so many thoughts and questions while still trying to digest this new information. This was pretty big news to get right before my French class and I was working 2 full-time jobs in that moment. One of the jobs was a 10-day film festival so I would work 7am-2:30pm and then 3pm-11pm. I never had a moment to process this information and I was extremely exhausted.

One of the hardest parts over the next few weeks was that I did not have the support of my mother. She is proud woman and I believe she did not want to appear like she was a liar or had an illicit tryst. So while I am adjusting to this new information, I am also receiving hateful texts from my mom. These texts were on the lines of how desperate I am to seek approval from a father figure. There was name calling and rage voicemails. Now mind you, we actually did do a legit court approved DNA test that came out saying he is my father. We even look alike and I look like his other children. So not being validated by the one person I wanted to share this experience with truly hurt me to the core. My mother and I are on good terms now, but we never speak about this topic. It sort of just got swept under the rug which is such a shame because I would love to know more from her perspective. Thankfully, my aunt, my cousins, my friends and my boyfriend were there for me and supported me in ways that I will always be grateful for.

So it turns out this new found family of mine is only a four hour drive away. We all met up a few times over the next few months to learn about each other. We were also trying to navigate a somewhat awkward yet exciting experience. For context, my biological father is married and has three other children. One of them is a year older than I am. The other two were about 15 and 17 years old at the time. I think the awkward part was not feeling welcomed by certain family members at times. To an extent, I can understand, you just learned about a 27 year old sibling and it adds a new dynamic to the family system. However, there were moments where I felt deeply hurt. I visited them during Thanksgiving a few years ago and they wanted to take a family photo. However, I was excluded from the photo and I was awkwardly sitting at the table desperately trying to fight back the tears. In that moment, I knew I wanted to go back home and I would not subject myself to this behavior.

This did not mean that I did not want any contact with them, however, I needed time to adjust and that was not respected. My bio dad told me he is an all-or-nothing type of person. In 2020, around the time of the election, I was basically given an ultimatum. He told me that I have to either be fully enmeshed into the family or he does not want any contact with me at all. He did not respect that I needed time and I cannot just jump into this close family dynamic when they are all practically strangers to me. Even when I tried to explain that, it was dismissed and he basically said this is the way he is and he is not going to change. So as difficult as this was, I had to opt out of the relationship. I did not want to commit to every birthday, holiday or family reunion when I was still getting used to the idea of having new people in my life. I would make the same decision all over again, however, it would have been nice if there was some flexibility on his end.

It has been almost 2 years since we last spoke. In some ways I feel a sense of relief because trying to juggle all of these new relationships was bogging me down. In other ways, I am very sad that I cannot develop a relationship with him or my siblings. They will never get to know me and see the fun adventurous parts of me. I will never get to know them and make up for lost time. I even sometimes wonder how my life would be if I fed into his demands. I would have those moments and experiences. However, I would not be true to myself and I would not be validating my own feelings.

I wish I had a moral to this story. I think that I genuinely wanted to participate in a writing piece where I am not straying away from the concept of fatherhood because it’s never applicable to me. I have had to do it every year for Father’s day my entire life. I have had to listen to friends talk about how much of a positive impact their fathers have on them. I have had to picture my future wedding knowing that I will not have a father walk me down the aisle or have a father-daughter dance. I have learned to adjust and be grateful for other people in my life that show up for me. Not everyone knows my story, but today I am confident enough to share my journey. I know that I am enough in this world. My hope for the future is that we can have another opportunity to get to know each other on terms that make everyone feel comfortable and accepted. I am happy that I now at least know the other half of my background that was missing my entire life. Ignorance is bliss but knowledge is power and I will gladly own that sentiment.