Disfunctional family: forgiveness, healing, denial, and hate

There is not much I can say when it comes to my biological family. Strained is accurate yet doesn't quite stress the true distance between us over the last 20 years if not more. To briefly explain whyI say this: a parent’s perception of their own life and misfortunes can be transferred onto the child/children. My biological mother is the only one that recalls being abused as a child. Her abuse came in the form of having to care for younger siblings and help them with their homework. Mind you, raised by her dad and stepmother during the 60’s through late 70’s, she was oldest and made near perfect grades. Now I was raised (wasn’t blessed with siblings until after high school) as an only child and even I see this as a normal thing to ask of the oldest and smartest child.

That being said, it was no surprise that my biological mother offered no empathy .... Not even a drop of sympathy when I went through the most traumatic time of my life (2017-2021). Now, if you know me, then you know I cannot "hate" .... Dislike, yes, but hate is a very strong word and I choose to use it in only the most serious offenses. And you would also know that I always see and or find the good in everyone and that I am very understanding and forgiving. So the aftermath of my trauma is still very much disturbing. Honestly, some days I wish I could be a weaker person and just give up. But I cannot stop fighting for myself, for healing myself, for overcoming my obstacles....but never did I see the blessing coming today....never imagined it could happen...not by her...not my mother...

It was the last week of January 2020. I wasn’t expecting any calls, not really, due to my phone line being busy behind me hounding the case worker on my daughter’s case. My phone rang, mother, damn it's been almost a year since last we spoke and it was not all sunshine and roses. So at first I let it go to voicemail. This woman NEVER said she loved me as I grew up, but she said it in the message. She said “calling to check in on you and the kids. Call me back. Love you”

I am in my 40’s and just assumed mother was physically unable to say the word “love”, so with that little glimmer of hope, I excitedly call her back. I broke into tears as I dialed her number and could not breathe as I heard her say a few more simple words.....

Basically it was neither a good or bad conversation. My mother is surprisingly supportive in one way and is willing to help me carry this burden of mine and help me to fight back....or so it first seemed.

I am filled with joy and thankful for the chance to have her truly be a mom to me. I say a silent prayer to my God Mother Sheryl for encouraging me to never give up on mother. Then I whisper to my son, “It's never to late to try and repair something broken or dysfunctional..”

I become more emotional as I inform mother of the events that have come to pass. I tell her about the difficulties getting things done and to make change and how the system is so fucking flawed…..then I get a notification on my phone…..

I had not realized just how quiet mother was…had I imagined her supportiveness? Was I so desperate for a real mother/daughter connection with her that I have become delusional?all within a nano-second, rollecoaster of emotions and I felt like I was just throat punched. As I switch to speaker so I could examine the notification, which was a text from mother. Mother sent me a picture.

Now I just finished saying how I was getting fucked by the system and how long it had been since I seen my baby girl. That it was the first time in her whole life thatI was not there for Christmas or her birthday….and I see my baby girl in this picture with mother at a park!

My mind rewinds a few minutes when mother had said she would help me and if needed she would take my daughter in until the case is settled…..my mind spins again…..”hold up” I say to myself, “when? This woman lives in Florida, comes to Texas to see her granddaughter for the first time EVER and didn’t even inform me of her intent to see her?”

As heated as I am, I look to my son for strength before uttering the words “When did this take place?”

She replies “After your birthday and family court just before Christmas”

My son takes the phone from me and hangs up and sits with me reminding me to breathe.

December/January are busy months for me and my kids…In December we have my birthday on the 5th, then Christmas, then baby girl’s on the 26th which leads into New Years and my son’s birthday January 3rd. My mother has never called during holidays, not for anytone’s birthday, hell, the last time she saw her first grandchild (my son) was in 2009. Even then she was nonexistent as far as my son knew and the lack of memories of her. So for her to see my daughter ….I was beyond angry. I felt she was acting out of malice and trying to keep my daughter from me. My son being of 18 years of age had formed his own opinion of his nana based on his memories and experiences with my mother. He says “Family isn’t always bloods. Sometimes you can actually choose who you wants to be in your family. That woman has no idea what the word “family” means or what it looks like and i want nothing to do with her. And for your sake mom, you should close the door on her for good.”

The final court date for my daughters case was upon us. My mother was there. The judge ruled that my dadughter’s father have his rights removed and he is not allowed to have any kind of contact with her. The judge then speaks to me and tells me how unique this case was…believing for several months at the beginning of this case that I was dead (per ex’s testimony), how it took 5 months to find me and alive for that fact….my daughter being so traumatized from the brainwashing being made to think I died shortly after birthing her….

I was reminded of the day I got to visit my daughter, “my mommy is a zombie” her words echo in my head as the judge discusses with the counselor assigned to my daughter if i should lose my rights too.

I offer a solution, “judge if I may speak, Allow her to stay with the foster family while we all seek therapy. When her therapists sees that she is ready for me and her brother to be reunited, then we can slowly and at her pace increase our involvement in her life. Having her foster family and her brother and I working together to give her a better life would be beneficial for her and her wellbeing”

Then my mother chimes in “She is never going to be worth anything nor will she be a good mother. That child, that girl should go be with her father”

Those that followed the case and know what her father did to her, to us…they choked on air when they heard mother speak those words.

I was awarded limited contact that could potentially turn into more frequent contact on one condition….that her father never know of it, he cannot know anything about her. Cool. I leave court and i haven’t spoken to mother since.

Am I wrong? I may never know. But I know this :

Growing up she chose dick over me every time. Her 2nd hubby molested me and she knew about it! Opened my bedroom door for him! Only to testify in court that me a 5 year old seduced him. And then anyone who testified against him she cut out her life and for a while, out of my life as well. She blamed me for every failed relationship. Straight A’s were never good anough. She made other family member feel guilty for treating me nicely or spoiling me because they never did those things for her. She tried to raise me as racist as she is. Which is why she had nothing to do with my kids all these years (they are biracial). I surpassed her and her AA degree by obtaining my BA and MS but she still saw nothing but failure in me. Telling me I “might as well give up and marry a rich old man with a hear condition cause that’s all you are worth and will amount to” That is why I was estranged from her and kept my distance…..

Believe it or not but I could go on and on when it comes to mother’s infractions, manipulations, lies (or delusions) and lack of emotions or remorse. But as I sit and write this I still question…..is there goodness in her? She could care less if I forgave her and I know I could never have a healthy relationship with her until she deals with her own demons and forgives herself. But even then, after all she has done, should I let her into my world or my kids’ world? As for my kids, Iwill support what ever they choose to do or not do about their Nana. For me…..I don’t know. I mean I feel like what she did to me she was trying to do to my daughter when she told the judge she should be with her father..I’m struggling with forgiving her actions and words on that day.An ongoing debate is forever echoing in my head…what is unforgivable? Where is the line drawn on forgiveness? I mean she takes dysfunctional family to a whole new level.

I know I have some issues that stem from the lacking of the relationship between us. Especially trust issues with females. But I am actively working on that to help better myself . I honestly hope its not to late for me. I worked so hard to not be like her, to break the cycle….but i can also feel myself become jaded….wanting to just give up on her and the whole family. Besides all I need are my kids in my life…that’s my family.

Feel free to voice your thoughts and opinions. Most dysfunctional families are worth saving and putting in the work to repair the damage is rewarding within itself. But I just dont see mother and I fitting into that category anymore. Maybe I am just too tired of waiting for her to hold herself accountable all the while accusing me of being the source of her pain and sorrow.