Emotional Abuse

Let's take a moment and think back to our childhood (speaking to those that are 30+ years old). We have all had our experiences. Domestic violence, Neglect, near perfect upbringing, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, you name it and someone has experienced it. Good or bad - it has happened to someone. But no one really talks about Emotional Abuse or the emotional scars we have endured. Now, this could be by the hands of anyone, but right now I would like to focus on the emotional wounds cause by parents.

Some would say that it is pure instinct that we protect our parents and love our parents no matter how they treated us. After all, for the majority of us, we had no choice but to rely on them for survival. So we say we love them and care for them on some level (varies from person to person). So what happens to us as we grow up? Well, that depends on many factors and varies from person to person. But when speaking of emotional abuse, emotional wounds...what happens? How will we turn out as adults in relationships? How will we be as parents? Will we repeat the cycle of emotional abuse? Do we even notice it as emotional abuse? Do we even think about how we would be as parents? Do we even know that emotional abuse is wrong?

I do not have the answers. But I can tell you about my story, my emotional wounds that stem from my parent/s.

Born to a single mother. I do not have any knowledge of my biological sperm donor. I have no knowledge of my mother's first husband. But her second husband...well he was just the perfect example of what a father should not be and should not do. But this is about emotional abuse so the focus is more on my mother. My mother never showed me affection. She never said "I love you" or "I am proud of you" Nothing wrong with that I suppose, if you live in a world with no emotions. Even as an adult my bubble remains small when it pertains to my mother. I did not and do not receive hugs from my mother unless my grandparents where around. On top of that, my mother never gave positive feedback or positive reinforcements. It was always "You can do better". As a kid I would ask myself, "What's better than straight A's?" As an adult I would ask myself "what's better than a graduate degree?" To this day, she won't say anything positive or nice. If I say "I love you" first, she will hesitate and stumble her wording as she replies to my words. I grew up not knowing what it felt like to be loved unconditionally. Everything I did had a price...if I wanted quality time just me and mother, I had to bribe her or settle for one of her boyfriends tagging along. When I started to date, I didn't know how to react to affections...dating was short lived and guys moved on to girls who would give affections (sex). I often felt unwanted by my mother. So as I was growing up I had difficulty expressing my feelings and was full of doubts about my acceptance in general. My mother never had anything good to say to me. No matter how good my grades were - not good enough. No matter how many promotions I got - not good enough. She would always tell me how I would fail. I ran away from home in my late teens and moved in with my God Mother. It was my God Mother that not only gave me but taught me and showed me emotions, love, unconditional love, affections...that's when I made the decision that if I had kids, I would tell them and show them how much I love them - I would not be like my biological mother. Fast forward to today...I have 2 kids now. I show them all the love, unconditional love and support, encourage them, positive reinforcements. All things I never received from my mother - I now I give to my kids. But I noticed one flaw in this....I still tell myself how I will fail, that I am not good enough, or that I am not worth it. I even question my parenting and abilities as their mom.

So did I break the cycle of emotional abuse? Some would say yes. But I still have cognitive errors that I must overcome. I may have broken the cycle when it come to how I raise my kids, what I give them, show them, teach them. But I am still very much part of the vicious emotional abuse cycle.

I have much work to do. I will stop doubting myself, questioning myself. I will love myself unconditionally just as I do my children. I will do this because I know I am worth it, I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I don't need to beat myself up - there was enough of that back then, I don't need it now.

Those are my emotional wounds.