Dear Dad…

Dear Dad,

Thank you for choosing me. That’s exactly what you did. You chose me. You came into my life knowing that I was not your responsibility. You had no part in my genetic make up. Yet, you still chose me. You claimed me as your own, and you never once treated me differently. You were my dad by choice.

You always said that the first time you saw me I captured your heart. In the middle of target, I placed my little hand in yours, and you knew in that moment that, despite everything, I was your little girl.

You remained stead fast and true through ever storm that life threw our way. You loved me even when I fought against your love because I wanted the love of my biological father. You loved me when I was hateful and mean. You loved me through my teenage years. You held me when I cried over boys, movies, books, friendships, and everything in between.

You cheered me on through every trial and tribulation. You always believed in me.

As long as you could help it, you never missed an award ceremony, choir concert, birthday, or any other event. You always wore the biggest smile when I was presented with an award or sang my heart out on stage. You were proud of me despite my successes and failures.

Your love was UNCONDITIONAL.

I didn’t have to do anything to earn your love. It came freely. Even when you were angry, you loved me without pause.

The day you died, a piece of me died with you. I was lost. Most of the time, I’m still lost. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. It seemed impossible that you were really gone. I remember thinking that you were pulling a cruel joke on me because there was a smile on your face when I found you.

I miss you. Since you’ve been gone, there has been a giant hole in my heart, but I know you would be here if you could. You didn’t leave willingly.

The day we laid you to rest, I kept waiting for you to jump out to of the casket and tell us all that you weren’t actually dead. It never happens. Instead, I stood by you throughout the majority of the service and refused to let you go.

When we got home that night, it truly sank in that you were never coming home. I lost it. I cried. I screamed. I didn’t know how to process the wave of emotions that flooded my body.

I was heartbroken.

I was confused.

I was furious.

My heartbreak came from the absence of you. I couldn’t remember the last time I told you that I loved you. How could I forget such an important moment? What kind of daughter did that make me? Did you truly know how much I loved and appreciated you?

More heartbreak came from the knowledge of all that you would miss.

College graduation.

My first year of teaching.

Watching me fall in love.

Walking me down the isle.

The births of your grandchildren.

The realization that you couldn’t be there for any of those moments to come tore me to shreds. I needed you… I still need you…

My confusion came from a lack of understanding.

I didn’t understand what had taken you away from us. We didn’t know that you were sick. The doctors had said you were fine. So, what caused a seemingly healthy 48 year old male to pass away in his sleep?

I didn’t understand why God had taken you so soon. I had been given two fathers, but only one wanted me, and that was you. So, why did God take you, the father who wanted and loved me, and leave me with the father that wanted nothing to do with me?

I was furious for many reasons.

I was angry that God had taken you so soon. I had thought we had more time. We had plans. You were supposed to cheer me on at graduation next year. You were supposed to put the fear of God into any boys/men that were brave enough to want to date your little girl. You were supposed to walk me down the isle on my wedding day. You were supposed to play with your grandchildren. But, you were taken too soon.

I was angry at you for leaving us. I knew it wasn’t your fault, but that didn’t change the fact that you weren’t here.

I was angry with the paramedics for taking so long to get here when I called for help. If they had gotten here sooner, maybe there would have been more that they could have done to save you.

I was angry at the doctors. The doctors you had seen previously that told you nothing was wrong and the doctors that confirmed your death at the hospital. Why hadn’t they done more? Why hadn’t they tried harder? Why would they tell us that everything was fine and then bring us to a conference room to tell us that you had died? Why would they tell bring your parents and son to your body without telling them of your passing before hand? Why were they so heartlesss and cold?

Even now, months later, I’m still heartbroken, confused, and furious, but those emotions have evolved.

I vow to never forget you or the unconditional love you showed me. I will carry your memory with me everywhere I go.

I will ensure that awareness is brought to the cause of your death: a rare colon infection that spread through your organs over many years eventually causing sepsis and that is only identifiable through a CT scan that the doctors never thought to administer.

You will never be forgotten.

You will have a seat reserved at my wedding. I will still have our song played even though you won’t be there to dance with me.

Your grandchildren will know your name and hear about your goofy fun-loving character. They will know that their papal was an amazing man who loved unconditionally and would be with them if he could.

You will be with me everywhere I go tucked safely in my heart.

Thank you for being the man you didn’t have to be.

Love always and forever,

Your little girl