Dealing With Loss

Pretty much all of us know how this feels. We get close to someone whether it be all our lives, within the past few years, or just recently. We get to know them, and they become a huge part of our every day lives. Then the inevitable occurs, and we aren't sure how to handle it.

That's how it was with my Grammy. She was around my entire life, but I didn't really get close to her until she told me she had cancer. Now I know that's a bit strange, considering most people are close to their grandparents! I didn't get to start my relationship with her until after I was able to break free from my mother's grasp of basically clouding my judgement to make my own decisions. That's how I ended up becoming my own person, and marrying the man of my dreams! (That's for another story).

Basically my mother had a hard life growing up with my Grammy, because she was an alcoholic, made bad boyfriend choices, and wasn't really there as a mom. So, she used that as a way to basically "protect" my sisters and I from her. The only thing about that, was that she changed from when my mom was a kid, to when us girls got older.

I even regret not allowing my Grammy at my High School Graduation because my mother said she would start drama and cause issues. Instead of going with my own decision, to spare her feelings, I told my grandmother that tickets were sold out for seats, and that she couldn't go. Her response was that she would stand if she had to, and her current boyfriend didn't have to go. She tried and tried to find a way to go, because all she wanted to do was be there. But I kept giving her reasons why she couldn't, if only I could take it all back....

Around July of 2019 she informed me that the doctor had given her news that she had cancer. Before then she had told people that she had had cancer a few different times, because she did have the tendency to lie to get attention. But I truly believe she had left all that behind and was really trying to change for the better. So at that point I believed her. I began spending lots of time with her. We'd go to Burger King once every couple of weeks, I took her to Applebee's for the first time in her life, we went to see Rocketman together, as she hadn't been to a movie theater for 10 years! We'd listen to music together, and she was even the first person to know once I was engaged, and she was so happy for me. She loved my husband too, and knew we were going to be happy forever. I'm so glad she was my Maid of Honor.

Then, because stress was getting the best of me, and I just wanted out of the situation I was in, I convinced my husband to go with me and move in with my dad in New York. I told him we'd have secured jobs, (which we did), because I couldn't take my mom starting drama all over town due to her inability to forgive people (aka my husband). My Grammy was so sad the day we left. She didn't want me to leave, and didn't want to stop hugging me once I said it was time for us to head out. I told her to stay strong, and that we'd be back to visit whenever we had a chance.

We ended up driving up in October to stay for a day or two, because we wanted to visit before snowfall hit for the season. While I visited I noticed a few changes. She seemed more tired, and not as enthusiastic to do things like she used to. Being to stubborn fool I am, I shrugged it off as she was just tired. I didn't think things would go downhill as fast as they did.

When November hit, I was at work one day when I got a phone call from my Aunt. She was in hysterics, saying that my Grammy was becoming lethargic, and that she was basically losing it. I started crying, and as soon as I got off the phone with her, I called my husband. I felt terrible, because he had just started a new job, and had only been there 3 days.

I only expected us to go up and visit, I never expected us to move back. But after going back to see her, and seeing my Aunt freaking out because she couldn't do it alone, I knew what needed to happen. I decided (and thankfully my husband was for it), that moving back to help take care of her was the best option. Since my Grammy would need to sleep downstairs in the living room, that left a spare room for us.

I won't go super into detail about everything, because that could take forever to type out. I will say though that taking care of someone with cancer can be tough work. Especially when it gets close to the end. They are constantly tired, have no desire to eat, and don't really feel like moving or doing anything. That's the body's way of saying it's shutting down. As things got worse, I got more stressed and freaked out, and I regret it to this day, but we left. I feel so terrible for doing that, because my Aunt really needed me.

Once things between my Aunt and I kind of calmed down, we were able to somewhat talk again, she called me saying that my Grammy had become unresponsive, and that if I wanted to see her and say goodbye, that would be a good time. So my Husband and I went over to see her. I wanted to stay there until she passed away, because her breathing was slowed, and she was struggling. It got to about 3 am, but I told them if she passed away in the night, to call so I could be over to help with anything.

About 7 am she called me saying she had passed on. We went over and spent time with everyone, and were there to support each other. The only thing that still upsets me to this day, is that my mom was not there. She didn't come see her once during the entire thing, and ignored my Grammy for 5 years before she passed. All because of childhood hatred. Now she regrets it all, but is trying to control the situation by choosing who can't be at the celebration of life for her.

My advice to anyone out there, forgive. Please. I know severe situations can make it hard, but please forgive people while they're still with us. Obviously forgetting is hard, but forgiveness can make you feel so much better in the long run. In this situation between my mom and Grammy I think of Bart Millard and his father. His father was abusive to him pretty much his whole life until he finally stood up for himself and left. After years he came back to a man that had changed, (and not to get preachy), because of Jesus Christ. He'd given up alcohol, and had changed his ways, but when Bart visited, he didn't believe it. That is until he found out his father had cancer. He spent more time with him, and got to know the new him, and forgave him! Once he passed away, he wrote the song, "I Can Only Imagine." It's a beautiful so, I highly suggest it.

I miss my Grammy every day, and think about what she would say if she were alive today. I hope she would be proud of me, and proud of the life I've been able to lead knowing that people can change. Dealing with loss is one of the hardest things to do, but only time can heal.