Being a mom is hard.

There's a saying along the lines of 'it takes a village to raise a child.' Well, where is mine?

O had his early intervention evaluation today. We already knew that he qualified for EI services because of his hearing loss. Today determined which services would benefit him. I expected the worst-case situation, like usual. But, actually hearing the words about his delays shattered me. I was instantly overwhelmed and couldn't even form a sentence. I blurted out something about his verbal communication not being a worry of mine! What I meant to say was that I understand that it is important but I don't want him to only be able to communicate verbally. I don't have answers about O's hearing loss. We might never get the answers we are looking for. There is a possibility of his hearing getting worse. By the sounds of it, it's permanent. With that in mind, I want him to also learn ASL. I am learning and trying to teach him but he's severely delayed in his communication development. It was to be expected. Have you ever tried to keep hearing aids on a one-year-old? Not an easy task. Some days he does great, other days not so much. But, we try every day.

Due to the pandemic, I am the only one who goes to all of O's doctor appointments. They only allow one support person. So that means I am the only one who has to sit through the heartbreak of watching your toddler not respond to noises that he should be responding to. That means that I am alone with the updates on his testing, our most recent test showed his hearing was getting worse. I explain this to my husband and my family. My husband kind of brushes it off, but he has difficulty showing his emotions. I think it's easier to not push the situation because I don't want him to close off completely. On the other hand, you have my parents. They have a hard time believing that he is hard of hearing. They have told me multiple times basically that the doctors are lying and he can hear fine. There is no way they could understand it because I don't understand it myself. They need to accept it if they plan to be a part of his life.

Today my heart broke. It broke for more reasons than one. It broke because I feel that I am failing my child. It broke because I have finally accepted that I am in this alone. I am the one fighting for O and I am the one supporting his every need. All I want is for my child to have a healthy, happy, passionate life. I listened to every word his evaluators said. Every. Single. Word. I remember none.

That village that everyone talks about. It doesn't exist for me, yet. I am not saying this to shame my husband in any way. He is a phenomenal father and goes above and beyond for our boys and me. He shows his love and affection in other ways and that's okay. I have never doubted his love for his kids and I have never doubted that he would be with us every step of this journey. I know that these kinds of situations make him uncomfortable because he doesn't know what to do or say. That is okay, I get that way too.

My parents are incapable of being open-minded. My dad tried to talk me out of getting O's hearing aids. I have a high-deductible insurance plan and we didn't meet it yet so, I would have had to pay $2500 out of pocket for his hearing aids. My dad tried to tell me it was a waste of money because what if he didn't need them in a couple of months? What if his hearing got better? I got the same response of "he can hear fine" from my parents, my grandmother, and my aunt. NONE of them are hearing specialists. Imagine that. As a parent, wouldn't you want to spend the money to get your child something that could help them, even if it was only temporary? Or am I one of a kind? I can't be, I know there are other moms and dads out there like that. After O's EI eval today I messaged my mom to give her an update on how it went. I got the typical 'every child is different and develops on their own, he'll get there' excuse that I get every time I mention a concern I have. I know every child is different, I don't need to be reminded every day when I talk about him. My parents are great at making you seem like you are going crazy. She didn't like my response that O is not the child that will "get there" on his own.

It would be nice to not be the only one involved in my child's learning obstacles and experiences. It would be nice to find my village. And, moms, always trust your intuition. Mine has never been wrong, not even when it came to my bonus boy. Mom's intuition is real and it's right.